All Right, That’s IT . . .

“Kate, I never abandoned yoiu or betrayed you and I’m really getting sick of you describing things as if I had. You told me not to try talking to you ever again and went so far as to block me from IMing you and then set Jason on me. You said any letters I sent would go into the trash unopened. The real prob was that you expected everyone to behave as you, to like the same things, believe the same things, or you just couldn’t believe they were real friends. I voiced my change in religious views, you learned I’d smoked, and I was pregnant at 18. ANd because they weren’t YOUR choices, you threw me away like a defective toy. You shouldn’t need to be perfect to be loved or accepted, Kate. I shouldn’t need to be to stay friends with someone who was like family, my own godsister.” –Dolly’s note on my last entry.

Okay. I promised myself I was going to be honest this time around, so you know what? I am. These notes pissed me off, and here’s why. Dolly, find for me in the previous entry where I specifically said that YOU abandoned/betrayed me. I mentioned that our friendship was the one rock solid thing I thought I had, and that I was WRONG. That is ALL. Yes, I felt abandoned by you back then, but that was because I felt abandoned by EVERYONE back then! I have never described it as if you were this horrible person I had to purge myself of, and frankly, I’M sick of YOU making it seem like I always am! I never blocked you from IMing me. I never blocked you from E-mailing me. After that conversation at the beginning of November, I told Jason about our IM, and he said he would talk to you. I DID NOT “set Jason on you.” He E-mailed you of his own volition, and I didn’t even know what he’d said on my behalf until YOU sent ME an E-mail, saying how dare I tell Jason that stuff. I wrote back saying that I had never told him to say anything of the sort, and if you accused me of it again, I would block you. You never responded, I never blocked you. Proof that I didn’t? I received your “I’m the proud mother of a baby boy” E-mail in December. Not to mention that we never talked about snail mail letters, so why would I have said they’d go in the trash?? I never threatened something like that, and I DON’T expect everyone to have the same views and/or beliefs as me. I KNOW people are all different, and I NEVER said that everyone had to be like me. Yeah, you gave me your whole “I’m psychic” act and all of that, going into Wiccan, and AOL “personalized horoscopes.” For someone who was such a staunch Lutheran, how the HELL was I supposed to deal with that big of a change, when you never told me how it happened? All I heard was suddenly, you’re doing conjurings and trying to curse people, when the summer before, you’d been having a theological debate with Ryan, and claiming that you’d read the Bible, for enjoyment!, cover to cover six times!!! I did NOT “throw you away like a defective toy.” If anything, YOU threw ME away, just because I didn’t automatically love Eric, and agree with you dropping out of high school, or becoming pregnant, and just blindly believe that you were “seeing ghosts,” that a dead friend of yours was a spirit in Satan’s Palace, and that you were “psychic.” No, a person shouldn’t have to be “perfect” to be loved and accepted. But you know what? I’m sick of you saying that it’s all my fault that we didn’t speak for two years. YOU’VE admitted that the way you went about things was a mistake, and have implied that if you could do it over again, you’d do things differently. Well, I’m sure as Hell not gonna take all the fault in this. Yes, I could have been more understanding. Yes, probably could have been more open-minded. Yes, maybe I could have weathered things out, and seen what happened in those two years, but you know what?? WE WEREN’T BEST FREINDS. WE HADN’T BEEN BEST FRIENDS SINCE THE DAY BEFORE MY SENIOR YEAR WHEN YOU TOLD ME OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS KAPUT!!! AND BACK THEN, I FELT IF WE WEREN’T BEST FRIENDS, WE WERE NOTHING. I didn’t know how to deal with the decisions you were making, and seemed perfectly happy to screw over your life in the making. And you can’t say that that’s me throwing something in your face because you’ve admitted your life has been screwed over to whatever degree. That money is scarce, and all of this stuff. I’m sorry that you can’t accept that smoking disgusts me. I feel so sorry for you that it doesn’t disgust you. I’m sorry that teenage pregnancies make me sick. I’m sorry that you apparently think I need “perfect” friends around me in order to be happy. I’m sorry that you can’t accept that I respect myself enough to not be curious enough to have sex and risk getting pregnant long before I’m ready, emotionally, financially, or physically. I was happy that I was talking to you again. I thought we were understanding one another better. I see now that I was wrong. Because despite what you think, I have not been continually throwing things back in your face. I don’t know why you’re seeing it that way. But these notes are proof that YOU are throwing my past back in MY face, and you know what? I don’t have to put up with it. I’ve changed over the past two years. No, I’m not going to block you, or start some immature diary war with you. I’m just simply going to say, learn what I’m talking about before you decide to throw your version of the past back in my face. Heck, I’ll make one thing perfectly clear right now. You insist you’ve grown up, and have matured so much since giving birth to your son? Then why, if you think I’m being so immature and “throwing things back in your face” from years past, are you doing the exact same thing you accuse me of?

–Notes–

It’s good to get stuff like this off your chest. Kudos to you for being strong, and I know what it’s like to have people throw themselves at you without knowing your side! Be strong, and I’m proud of you that you’re going to stand strong! [Angel Knight]
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*sigh* as if the day didn’t go badly enough for me… All I have to say is this—> both of you need to learn how to swallow a bit of your pride and open your eyes to what one or the other is saying. That said, I’m staying out of this, best of luck to you both on the matter. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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btw, an odd thing happened to me, I had to retake my drug test, b/c they said something wierd happened to my blood and they couldn’t get any reading out of the first one, so I had to redo the blood and urine *cries*(and after all the work it took me the first time.) but I was talking to a girl I knew in Brookdale. She is still a wiccan, I can’t remember her name though…I told her I was feeling a [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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bit down. but on my way out to my car, she was out there…she sprayed me with somethin and said something I can’t remember for the life of me…said it was for luck. was a wierd experience…but whatever, I don’t care much for luck. oh well, ttyl. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]