A Lot More Than I Realized . . .

This title answers a question I voiced back at the beginning of this diary. I read your latest entry, Dolly, and . . . I don’t even know.

I can’t defend what I may or may not have done as a child. I don’t remember you coming down that often. I know you did, but when I was ever conscious of it was that summer when I came to your birthday party, and then you came down for the weekend, and I got you into the Beatles. I know I probably teased you, along with James. I was an idiot back then, and I thought I was in love with him, so of course, I was going to agree with him no matter what. I had never learned back then how to interact with more than one person without making fun of the other one, because that was what I was taught. I was always the victim of insults when James, me, and Corey would hang out. They’d gang up on me, and usually, I’d end up in tears. Not in front of them, though. Never in front of them.

Okay, now it’s time for my side of a part of this whole thing. I didn’t yell at you for not telling me about your friend dying, or . . . (what do you mean sexual abuse as a child???? You told me something about a truth or dare game, and being afraid of what your dad could do, and it going way out of hand, or something . . . I can’t quite remember.) I was hurt and shocked that you hadn’t said anything, especially about a friend dying. I mean, we’d professed to being best friends since before I can remember, best friends who told one another everything, best friends who had no secrets, etc. And yet, you tell me, out of the blue pretty much, that a friend of yours not only died of leukemia, but had been dead for a number of years. And then, with whatever it was that you’d told me concerning your dad, (which is the thing I can’t quite remember,) I was hurt that you admitted you’d told Grace, but kept it from me, because you didn’t think I’d understand. I couldn’t help thinking what wouldn’t I understand? Maybe I’d never gone through it, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t listen and be supportive. You want to know what happened when I found out you were in a psych ward? That was my senior year, keep in mind. When I never felt fully comfortable talking to you after that phone call in September. Mike, Shannon, and I had gone ice skating that morning, and we were all in really good moods when we came back to my house to hang out. I walked in the door, and there’s my dad, saying that he has some bad news. He tells me that he’d just talked to Nana, and that she told him that your mom told her you’d been admitted to the psychiatric ward. My good mood melted away right there, and I swear, my heart turned to ice. That day was the closest Shannon has ever come to seeing me cry, because for the rest of the day, I just wanted to be alone. But Shannon and Mike were there. I ended up crying on his shoulder for a good deal of time. Not to mention that no one informed me when you got out of there. I didn’t know when to call. I didn’t know when I could call. I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me. I mean, in case you hadn’t noticed, I sort of avoided you that entire year. I didn’t know what to think. You’d changed, and it scared me. You used to be the person I thought I knew better than anyone else, but that year . . . everything changed. First, you’re calling me up telling me our friendship is caput, next thing I know you’re in the psych ward, and then you’re going out with someone who cheated one a friend of yours to go out with Grace, and you’re trying to get pregnant with his kid!! I had no idea what to think.

I never thought I was better than you, you know. I never knew you guys were poor. I mean, you guys lived right next to Nana’s. I knew your house was usually a mess, but then, I thought that was cool, compared to how neat Nana’s always was. Admittedly, I considered myself the leader of the two of us, mostly because I was older, but “older” doesn’t equate to “better.”

“Now it comes to it.” The reason for our chasms all the time. Why I always felt we were separating from each other. We were never that close to begin with! I understand what you’re saying about Grace, about the soulmate thing, but not being lesbian or bi. I’m not jealous, or anything, just so you know.

I have more I want to say, and just so you know, I’m not angry. But I have to go.