542 – Why Does He Do This To Me?

Real Love
By:
John Lennon

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dreams
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for love

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love, it’s real
Yes, it’s real love, it’s real

From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love

Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It’s real love, it’s real
Yes, it’s real love, it’s real

Thought I’d been in love before
But in my heart, I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
Don’t need to be alone

It’s real love, it’s real
It’s real love, it’s real
Yes, it’s real love, it’s real
It’s real love, it’s real

Why does he do this to me???

Last night, I went over to Game Factory a little after eight at the hopes that he would still be there.  He was.  I recognize his car.  Well, when it’s in the parking lot of Game Fcatory, or in his driveway, anyway.  So, anyway, I must have sat outside on one of those cement planter things they put in for about an hour.  On the upside, I talked to Dolly on my cell phone for most of that time.  (And I know, I forgot to call you back.  I’m sorry!!!  Call me, if you can, Monday, Wednesday, or Saturday afternoon/evening, okay?)

I walked back to my house, though, thinking to myself that as far as someone I like, I haven’t changed that much from middle school.  I still have the stupid ‘be around them but don’t talk to them’ things.  You know, instead of just directly talking to a guy, I do stupid litle things, (or sometimes stupid big things,) in a vain attempt to get his attention, and have him talk to me.

And I hate that I do that.  I can *usually* stop myself from doing that stuff now.  Or at the very least, I realize I’m doing it, and just hole myself away in a corner.

This sucks, though.  I mean, I like him, but I can’t even say for sure that we’re friends!  I think that I’m crazy for throwing this party, because knowing my luck he’ll hate it, and consequently me, for going against his wishes of just letting his birthday pass as ‘just another day.’  Yet I’m firmly convinced that even though he says he’s not a party person, he deserves at least ONE birthday that he can look back on and think, “Damn.  That really was a good day.”

I want him to enjoy himself.  I wnat him to kow that at least one person cares enough about him to risk him hating a day like that, and plan it for him anyway.  I want him to know that I want to see him happy.  That I wish some of that sadness could disappear from his eyes.  Honestly, his are the saddest I have ever seen.  And I hate that.  I can’t stand that whatever he’s been dealt in life has left him with eyes and mindsets like the ones he has.

I want to see him smile.  I want to see him laugh.  And not just because he’s won at a card game, or outsmarter his opponent, or seen them make an amatuer move.  But because he’s actually happy.  I want to see his eyes light up because he’s enjoying himself, and not because he sees a weakness in his opponent, where he can strike.  I want to see him be able to trust someone, whether or not that person is me.

I swear, if I discovered he was reading this . . .

Heh . . . Well, I would ask what he thought of everythng I was writing.  After I peeled myself off the floor and turned back from the reddest red of emarrassment . . .

The party’s in exactly two weeks, and I’m nervous.  I have no idea what to expect, and I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing.  Yeah, I know, have faith, blah, blah, blah.  I’m trying.  It’s somewhat working, but I’m not going to ve satisfied that he’s liked what I’ve planned until I see his reaction on the 24th.  Crap!!!  I need to get off that day!  Okay, no biggie, I’ll put in a request for it, on Monday.  I don’t think I’ll ask for Halloween off, though.  I want to dress up for work.  Heck, I’m gonna do a different costume from the 25th through the 31st.  This’ll be fun . . .

I don’t know that I love him, but this song seems to eeriely parallel what I’m going through.  I think I am over Jason in a romantic sense.  I get the little twinges when he talks about other girls, but I think even that’ll pass, given enough time.  I’m going up there this Tuesday to see him.  Again, knowing my luck, it’ll be for the last time for a long time.  ::Sighs::  I don’t want to lose him.  But whether temporarily or permanently, I’m afraid I will.

I just can’t help wondering . . . I have thought I was in love before.  What more was it that I wanted?  What more do I want now?

Maybe I’m not a coward, but I wonder.  Am I something better, or worse?