400th Entry — And Again With The Rain!!!

I knew that we hadn’t reached the climax yet. I’d say that happened today. Okay, I slept downstairs, as I’ve been doing the past three or four nights, and at about 11 something, I hear the familiar patterned knocking and door bell ring. I shambled off the couch, and up to the door, my wits so severely not about me. I opened it, and of course, it was Jason. So, I said something like, “So, you actually came.” And just kind of turned away from the door, knowing that he’d step in.

When I came back down into the living room, (I needed to brush my teeth, and my mouth was all yucky tasting,) I could hear Mike and Jason talking about Magic upstairs. I just sat down in the living room, freezing and shivering. I don’t know why it was so cold this morning. Well, morning being relative. Anyway, they came down, and we started talking. I told Jason that since he broke that promise to me, I didn’t feel I could trust him, and didn’t want to be around someone I couldn’t trust. Long story short, it turned into a whole discussion with me, Mike, and Jason there, with me and Mike doing most of the talking. And I didn’t like that. I didn’t want that. Jason’s enough of a clam as it is, and most of the time, I wished Mike had just shut up and let Jason speak for himself. Though it’s not like he did once Mike did put a clamp on his mouth. All in all, it amounted to little more than nothing. Jason had that indifferent air about him, and I’d gotten myself angrier at what he did say, angry at the situation, frustrated at Mike for being there, annoyed that he was doing a good deal of the talking that Jason should have been doing…

All in all, it wasn’t good for my mood. It wasn’t good for anyone’s mood. And it finally culminated when Mike said that he had to go to work soon, and left the room to get food, his clothes together, etc. Jason stood up, started putting the Magic cards that he’d brought back in his coat pockets, and put his coat on. He said that since this was getting all of us nowhere, he wanted to leave before he overstayed his friendship. If he hadn’t already. I was just sitting on the couch, glaring at him, thinking to myself that he already had, and something else that I can’t quite remember. We exchanged a few more words, but finally, he did something that I didn’t expect, and it shocked the Hell out of me. He took something out of his coat pocket, laid it on my journal that’s on the hope chest, and said, “Here. You should give this to someone more deserving of it.” I followed his hand the entire way. It was the key that I’d bought, years ago, after we first reconciled. I believe I gave it to him that December, along with the black teddy bear he keeps in his car.

I gave him that key, in symbolism of a key chain I got from my Nana years ago. Two key chains, actually. One was a heart shaped lock, the other, a key. On the lock, it read, “He who holds the key can open my heart.” That key, I’d given to Mike exactly a week before we became a couple. Ironic, I know, but considering that period of time, I think he needed it. Anyway, though, when I was at a store nearby me, I saw different necklaces hanging off of this thing from the ceiling. And one cord had a key hanging from it. So, I bought it, figuring that people had many different facets, and could definitely have more than one key to their heart. Well, I watched as he left the living room, and went into the laundry room to leave. Then my eyes fell on the key. I let out these– how do I describe this?– dry sobs, I suppose? They were sobs, but no tears came. And then one thought tore through my head. “NO!!!!” I got up, picked up the key in my left hand, jumped up the three stairs into the dining room, saw my sneakers, shoved my feet into them, and ran past Mike and out the door.

Jason was barely leaving the driveway, as I ran out the door and up to him. It was raining, and he had his hood up, and I was in this pair of jeans, a blue tank top, and my white sneakers that are really bad to wear hen it’s wet out. I grabbed his arm, and forced him to turn around, saying, “No, you are NOT doing this to me again!!” I don’t remember everything that was said, but he kept trying to step past me. After a minute or so, I grabbed his sleeve, and he looked at me with the closest thing I’ve seen to a glare on his face, and said “Let go.” I just looked at him, and said, “No.” At some point later, he’d said, “In every sense of the word, I’m telling you to let me go.” I wouldn’t.

Like I said, I don’t recall everything that was said. I wish I did, but oh well. Little pieces’ll come back to me when I think on it later. He had said something like that he was going back to– He’d said did I know how much of his perception he’d lost, in being friends with me, and that he was going back to how he used to be. He was pushing on my arms then, and I was pushing back on his. We wound up going across the cul-de-sac much like that. Pushing or pulling, or me grabbing on his sleeves, not letting him go. We finally wound up next to the fence across the street, closer to the back of the bowling alley. I asked him why, when he knew how much pain it had caused me and Dolly six years ago, was he willing to lose me now? I repeated it, I’m not sure how many times, and he finally said something like was I discounting what he had been put through back then. I said that no, but I really didn’t know what he’d been through because he had never told me. Then I said that if he was willing to let me go now, it was his choice, and whatever happened to him, whatever he felt, it would be on his head. And I repeated, “Why, since you know losing you did to me and Dolly six years ao, are you willing to turn away from me now?” Or something like that. Once again, he tried to walk away, and I grabbed his sleeves, and yelled, “Goddamnit, TELL ME WHY!!!” He looked at me then, and said there was no reason for profanity.

Just feeling sarcastic, and hurt, and everything, I said, “Fine. Golly-gosh-darn, tell me why!!” That’s when he started laughing. I let go of his sleeves, and we stood there, both of us laughing, rain still falling, soaking me, and getting his coat more wet. We talked a bit more calmly then, when he could finally speak without laughing. He said that he’d make the attempt to see what he could do about his parents, him, and me sitting down and talking. And I don’t remember what led to it, but not too much after that, or maybe it was before it, he leaned forward, and just hugged me. He told me I was a true best friend. I walked him out to his car a few minutes later, and noticed that the rain was finally letting up. Not like it mattered. I was soaked, and a bit cold by then.

Before, when we’d been arguing in the cul-de-sac, he’d held up his hand in front of my arm, because he honestly saw like, smoke vapors coming from what he thought was his hand. Turned out it was my arm. I’m figuring warm skin, cold rain, same sort of effect as warm pavement getting hit by cold rain. Anyway, though, we went to his car, and he got in, and just when he was about to leave, I took his hand, held it in mine, and put the key into his palm, closing his fingers around it. I told him again, before I closed the car door that I told him Wednesday he wasn’t going to lose me that easily. And that that still holds.

Wrapping up, I have the feeling that things still aren’t over. There’s more to

go through, thick as quicksand or thin as melted butter. But I can do it. Heh. Best friends or not, I’ll go through it, because I’m sure as golly-gosh-darn, that I’m not letting him go back to how he was before I came into his life. But then, I don’t think we’ll be anything but best friends as long as we’re in the other’s life. I don’t know what the future holds, but somehow, I’m gonna face it with him as my best friend. Mike made me come to one realization, after I was back in the house and drying off. That, while I’d come to a decision on what to do, that I’d resigned myself to the fact that I was going to lose Jason in the process, and was . . . almost pushing him away. Mike was right. I was doing that, hoping that in the process, it would hurt a bit less. As anyone can tell, it didn’t work. I’m just not build that way.

Well, I guess I better really wrap this up since I’m trying to read Dolly’s writing, and IMing Mike’s dad, and he’s waiting to read this whole thing.

On a last note, I just have one last question. Why do I always wind up doing these things, having these main conflict/solution things with Jason in the rain???

–Notes–

oh wow… you changed your name… long entry ,so i’ll get to read this tomorrow… hi ho, hi ho…. off to bed i go…. 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
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Wow…that was definitely interesting. I can’t even imagine going through all of that, but I definitely knew you had the strength in you. I’m sure it took alot of strength to handle that situation. You and Jason have an amazing friendship, keep fighting for it. He’s apparently worth it. *lol* Even though he still needs to be kicked in the shins (Just Because) [SolarEclipse]
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Kate, I hope this works out for the best. Good luck and keep us posted 🙂 [Champagne*Supernova]
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😀 just as a little add on…seems paul had a bit to say on the matter as well 😛 *looks up*, thanks paul:) [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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I knew it! I knew things would turn for the better! Just have faith! You’re awesome and don’t forget it! [Angel Knight]