3/16/04

Yeah. I don’t know quite what I’m thinking. Maybe I’ll take a break from the whole diary scene. Yet this site is so addicting. I thrive on the notes, the other people’s diaries, the shared opinions, etc. Ryan and I were talking earlier. I miss seeing him. We’re more friends in memory and spirt than anything else. ::Sighs:: I’m like that with most of the people I know. I wish now I’d done things differently where my friends were concerned.

I’m not like how I used to be. I used to immediately go to anger at a person when I was hurt. Defense mechanism, I suppose. Even if they didn’t mean to, if they hurt me, I hurt them back before they can hurt me further. I was thinking about that after talking to Ryan, because he said something that hurt my feelings, that he meant as a joke. He didn’t know. And I was hurt, and just wanted to get off, but he asked if I was mad, and we talked it ou, and we’re okay now. I find that, when I look back on things that I wrote when I was pissed off, God . . . I mean, I don’t know how many people saw it, but Jill and I had cooked up a fake FOD war between us over something a bit ago, that we ended up not instating, but not before I had written the first entry. I read it over, and couldn’t help thinking to myself that yeah, it did sound like me a few years ago, but now . . . It didn’t. I wasn’t that person. Yeah, I’ll still get angry over things, but usually I just want to know why. I’ll be hurt more than anything, and I’ll try to find out why they’ve done said thing, rather than get angry. Because if I want to know why on something, what good does it do me to get pissed off? It’s weird. Because this observation doesn’t just apply to me, it applies to a lot of people. It seems that the older we get, the more our defenses go down, since the people around us grow up. At least most of them do. Yet, though our defenses go down, our sense of insecurity goes up.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand how someone can be so against someone else, and yet so for someone doing the exact same things. Well, not exact same things, but causing someone a similar amount of pain. Heck, worse, considering time span. I don’t understand how someone can be pulling away when I want to hear from him. I don’t understand how I can be so insecure about a best friend I supposedly have, but who apparently likes keeping me up in the air.

I honestly feel no obligation to go up there tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just stay home and leave him alone up there. I mean, why am I breaking my neck to get up there every week, when he can’t even E-mail me with the things he promises? Week after week, promises that are broken. See? Perfect example of something where I’m more hurt than angry.

And the worst part is, I don’t even know if he knows I feel this way. Oh, well. He will tomorrow.

–Notes–

I know that Jason is frustrating you right now, but don’t lash out against his current lack of consideration for your feelings by not visiting him. In my opinion that could escalate things. He is your best friend; talk it out in person. Stop with the letter & dairy note mumbo-jumbo. It can facilitate complication. My 2 cents; hope it helps 🙂 [Ruby*Tuesday]
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RYN: Nope, I’ve not been vegetarian for a long time. Certain meat dishes I grew up on…i couldn’t go without them! I just never eat meat at a restaurant, nor do I cook it for myself; but I will eat it in small amounts if it’s a kind I really really like. Or if it’s the only damn ting available in the art building cafe. [Ruby*Tuesday]
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eh you should just tell him…guys arent that smart you know [CoreanSurfer]
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ryn: sorry, that was a private entry for someone else. thats why it’s not public. [nornna2004]
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excuse me if my note sounded rude. :{ got to go for now. i’ll give you my sn name for aol later. not now, upset stomach. [nornna2004]
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You do realize that you don’t deserve this crap from Jason. But honestly..The way Jason acts with you..I get the same thing from Mike (the one I talked about in Art) He does the same thing..minus us having feelings for each other. At least you get to talk to Jason…I talk to Mike about once every two months. And just because Jason needs to be kicked badly doesn’t mean you should take a break from [SolarEclipse]
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writing. I love reading your entries…You are a really good writer. Plus, writing is good for the soul. You need to vent and express feelings in here. 🙂 Tell Jason to stop being a punk or I will tell him. And believe me…he doesn’t want me to tell him. *LOL* I hope everything works out for you. [SolarEclipse]