Abortion

I found out that I was pregnant on Friday. I want to say that I don’t know what I’m going to do but it has been pretty much decided.
And before anyone says anything negative, I know. This is all my fault. About five months ago, I started having severe panic attacks about getting a blood clot (my cousin died of a pulmonary embolism and I have been scared ever since) so I decided to stop taking my birth control because I thought that would just add to my risk. Every time I’ve been to the gynecologist, I have asked about getting a tubal ligation and they have turned me down due to being under 30 and having only one child even though I have asked at EVERY appointment since my daughter was born 8 years ago.
So at that point, I was having unprotected sex. I know.

As I said, I already have an eight year old daughter and she’s very set on not having a sibling. Her father and I tried telling her that I was pregnant because we would, in the pits of our stomach, like to keep the baby. She has ALWAYS been very clear on never ever wanting a sibling. So when we told her she totally flipped out and was hysterically crying and asking why we wanted anyone but her. She said she wanted things to stay how they were and that she’s happy with it being the three of us. It was out of control. So I just told her it was a joke and laughed it off because I couldn’t deal with that. I could see the horror in her eyes and it’s not fair to completely change her life.
And no, my daughter is not one to flip out whatsoever. She is the sweetest child, extremely emotionally intelligent, and just all-around kind. Her behavior is exceptional. So I guess that makes me take her reaction so much more seriously.

Other than my daughter’s reaction, I wouldn’t really be thrilled about totally starting over again. We’d also have to get a bigger place immediately, redo a lot of our budgeting, etc. But I will say that if my daughter’s reaction was happy then I would probably keep the baby.

I have never had an abortion. I’m very scared and I’m angry. I feel anger deep inside and I don’t know what to do with it. My boyfriend pisses me off because I feel like he doesn’t have to go through anything – because he TRULY doesn’t. He doesn’t know what it will feel like. He doesn’t understand this fucking waiting time from now to then and what I feel like knowing that I have something inside of me that I can’t meet or care about. I feel like a horrible person. I’m not a religious person but I feel like bad juju will be put upon me for doing this but I see no other option. I really don’t. And I know a lot of people will say to just let my daughter get over it and that she will adjust. But I know she won’t. I can’t live with myself changing HER life when she has always said she didn’t want that to happen. I would feel terrible. It could change her personality forever if I just force her to live with something.

My appointment is on Saturday to get the abortion so I called the office so that they could verify my insurance. It was verified but I also let them know that I had lost my physical insurance card and they said that it would be a problem but they’ll let me know before Saturday if they can make an exception. Like what the fuck. I have a replacement coming but the estimated time of arrival is September 20th-25th. By then, I’ll be at the 10 week mark (unless I’m further than calculated, I used an LMP calculator) so then I wouldn’t be able to do the abortion pill at that point. I can’t get the other procedure….it will be disgusting. I can’t. Planned Parenthood is only open during the week so I also can’t do that because WORK. So that whole situation is awesome.

Idk, I’m just feeling kind of hopeless and pissed off right now.