20/02/2023

I am seeing my Psychiatrist tomorrow and it is way overdue. I don’t think my meds are working for me anymore. I am tired all the time. I sleep so much during the day and then cannot sleep at night. Its a vicious cycle. I have no energy or motivation for anything and I am supposed to be looking for a job. Its not going very well and finances are slowly running out. I try to keep myself busy by doing things around the house but its a real struggle to find the motivation. So we shall chat to him tomorrow and see what he says.

What’s really been on my mind lately is the amount of anger i still have towards my previous employee. I mean i gave them 21 years of my life, for nothing. In 21 years i never asked for an increase. More and more and more work gets handed to you with the same pay and not to mention the fact that you are lucky if you get an annual increase. I didn’t complain to them about it. I was always silent in my protests. When  had my nervous breakdown in 2020 and ended up in the clinic, it was there that i discovered my worth and the fact that their treatment of me was unfair. Always passed up for promotions, always handed more work, never any thanks or praise. Nothing! No record of discipline on my file. They were lucky to have me. always met my targets, exceeded them in numerous occasions. Always did what was asked of me. and when i finally did stand up for myself and told them that i had enough and would not take on anymore work without fair compensation, I was let go like an illness! Yes it makes me angry as hell. I know I am supposed to let go of it, but perhaps this is one of the steps of grieving. It was a big loss, it was 21 years of my life. I hope to never work for a large corporate organization again where all you end up being is a branded piece of beef with no purpose but to feed the masses. But a job is a job I guess.

It also bugs me that some of those people were so immoral and dirty, and yet they prosper, like evil triumphs over good. Why is that the good people always finish last. Should I become a bastard son-of-a-bitch like some of the people I know that seem to get everything they want. I am not feeling sorry for myself but this has always been the story of my life. Always try to the right thing and get nailed in the ass for it.

I guess somethings will not be answered in this lifetime.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.