closure

It’s been almost exactly 16 months since my dad died.  Grieving is a long and arduous process even if everything else in your life is running smoothly.  Well my life has been full of rough road patches, bumps and hills and when I have had a minute to try and catch my breath I would be ambushed by grief.  I was also angry and dissatisfied by some of what went on while my dad was in the hospital.  An ICU death is not an easy death.  My husband encouraged me to write a letter to the hospital ombudsperson.  I considered it very seriously but my mother didn’t share my feelings and my brother wasn’t there most of the time as he doesn’t live nearby, so I never actually wrote the letter but still had the intention to do so.  But time went on and life kept handing out huge challenges and i was busy just trying to get through the days and keep other family members fed and in some cases alive:(  I kept hearing about the topic of dealing with the health issues and death of elderly/ill parents.  I am far from the only boomer in this situation.  I read a few books, some of them spoke a little to me some did not.  Then a couple of weeks ago I heard a woman interviewed on the radio.  Her name is Katy Butler, and she wrote a book called Knocking on Heaven’s door:  the path to a better way of death.  Her books is a blend of memoir and investigative reporting.  It is very well written and speaks very directly to me.  I got it from the library yesterday.  I have been skimming through it.  Last night I read one of the final chapters, I wept and felt a huge weight lifting off of me.  I was able to close the door on my father’s death, to forgive myself for not making the whole hospitalization and death different (the actual final minutes when he died were very quick and painless).  I am now able to forgive the hospital for not doing a better job for not figuring it out sooner and for making him suffer needlessly.  Now I can get on with the quiet long term ongoing grieving process without any barriers in my heart and mind.  I am also a more informed consumer and better prepared for the next time I deal with death.

Here is the quote from her book:

"Most people I know who’ve helped their parents through the final passage regret having done too much or too little, or are haunted by their parents’ suffering during deaths that came too soon or too late.  Please forgive yourself.  You’ve done your best.  Do not be tyrannized by the notion of the Good Death."