De-Stressed?

Since I’ve last posted (and I admit it has been quite some time since that has happened) I feel like everything has been… a complete whirlwind.

I did end up getting some help on the mental health front. I had several sessions with a lovely woman and she helped me through a lot of the anxiety I was having over the whole Carissa situation. I don’t know if it helped in the way I really wanted it to. More on that later.

September mostly came and went. Sam and I went on vacation up to Maine. We stayed with Sam’s parents. Sam’s Nana, Grumpa, Aunt Jeanne, and Uncle Brian all came up with us. (On his mother’s side.) Nana, Grumpa, and Sam’s parent’s stayed in the house, Jeanne and Brian stayed at a hotel, and Sam and I camped out in the backyard. It was a little chilly, being the middle of September. But we had a great time.

While we were up there, we had gotten several views of Mount Katahdin. I’m still a little put-out over my first attempt to climb that mountain. We didn’t end up making it. I got above the tree-line, and just lost it. I kept pushing myself to try and make it further, but the further up we went, the more far gone I became. It was a terrible defeat. That was the year before. 2011.

But when I saw that mountain in the distance…. I know I’m going to be up there. I’m going to make it to the top of that mountain. We’re planning to try again next year, end of August. Christopher is going to come with us. He’s always supported me in ways that nobody else does. He’s that person I need to just say, "Andrea. You can do this." And then just step back and not do anything else. Plus, now that I’ve been up there once, I kind of know what I’m up against. I know what I face, and I think I can mentally prepare myself for another go at it. And I know I can do it.

Katahdin in the distance!

  

Me and Sam by the river behind his parent’s house

Panoramic view of Snow Isand in the middle of the river his parent’s house is on. (I love this picture!)

Jess and I helped a lot with painting down at the Haunted Graveyard in September. She and I both work there, wearing multiple Job Hats while we’re at it. I would like to say that we had a great season. We only missed one day due to weather. Which was fine by me. We hadn’t really wanted to go in that day due to exhaustion anyway, so it worked out well. Jess and I even got to take a day off from working at the Graveyard (It was Mr. J’s 50th Birthday!) and had the opportunity to walk through and see the show. You know in all of the years I’ve worked there, I have never actually walked through and seen the show? As in, when the actors are still in there and actually scaring people? It was really awesome. I even got Sam to come down and check out where I work! Not while the show was open, but after we all got out. He doesn’t like to be surprised/scared, so I could never get him to come through on his own. But the last weekend, he and Mike Smith came by after the show and I got to show them all of my cool things. I couldn’t have been more excited.

AND – this is a big AND- Jess and I didn’t have to work in Witches this year! That was a huge deal for us. After we first got put in Witches, it was a good time. We rolled with it, we owned it. We were fabulous as Witches, and were even promoted to Feature Actors in the show. But after doing it for four years straight, it gets a little old. Almost to the point where I seriously considered not coming back if we got put in Witches again this year. Which we had been, at the start of the season. That first weekend, I was (I’m using this word because its true) bitching to Dave about how we hated being Witches again, about how they literally stuck 10 actors in that house (when the ideal number of actors for that house is 4), about how the actors sucked and there was very little room to actually do what we wanted in terms of scaring people, etc. And he mentioned that he was short actors up in Trail 2 ( also know as ‘Hell Holler’ or better known as ‘Hillbillies.’) It wasn’t my ideal place to work in, but anything would have been better than Witches. And we convinced Walter to let both Jess and I to go up there.

It was a freaking blast. We were up in the Saw Mill. There’s a table in there, has a little hollow for a person to lay down in. And a circular saw above it. I was under the saw, and Jess was killing me. It was the best time ever. We had this whole hilbilly routine going. I called Jess Purvis and she called me Sissuh. And, "Purvis, I ain’t wanna play this game wit you no more! This ain’t funny! I’mma get Paw and you’s gonna get whupped!" "Oh Sissuh you just sit right thar! It ain’t only gunna hurt fer a second! Paw said I could!" We had an awesome back and forth going on that, and while people were distracted by us causing a scene, Brian would come up behind them with the chainsaw and scare living daylights out of them.

When we weren’t doing that, I was crying and screaming my head off, "Please! Just let me go!" "It ain’t only gunna hurt fer a second! Then yer gonna be dead!" Reaching out to people as they walk by asking them to help me. Being killed is always exhausting. When we took breaks from the Saw Mill I walked up and down the trail getting real close to people and sniffing them right in their ears. "*snnnniiiiifff* Huh-huh! Ya’lls smells purdy! Gonna put ya’ll in muh people gar-din! Keep ya here fer ever!" And then one of the chainsaw people would scare the crap out of them.

 

Definitely one of my favorite years for the Haunted Graveyard.

No longer Feature Actors, but it was what we needed to renew our lov

e for the job.

I freaking love Halloween. It was bonus that we didn’t get snow this year. Last year we got that freak October snowstorm and it snowed out the entire last weekend. That was awful. This year we did get that hurricane- Sandy – but luckily it was after we had closed up for the season.

The girls and I have been having a Weekly Knit Night. (I didn’t go back and read any of my past entries, so I don’t know if I mentioned that we started this up or not.) We do a rota for who hosts every week so no one person is caught having to drive out the farthest every week, and we all get a chance to host. I have to say, starting this weekly event is the best thing we’ve ever done. We get to see each other at least once a week, and we get to catch up on everything going on in each other’s lives, and knit. Our weekly get-togethers keep me sane. It gives me something to look forward to every week, and that does wonders for my mood like you wouldn’t believe.

Last night was supposed to be my night to host, but I inadvertanty double booked myself. The girls ended up meeting at Jess’ place, and I had my day-trip with Miss Amy, Danielle, and a few ladies they are both acqainted with. We went up to Woodstock to a place called Mrs. Bridges Tea House for afternoon tea/lunch. If you’ve never been there, I highly reccommend it. The food was amazing, the tea was delicious, and everything was very reasonably priced. It is run by a little British lady and her family. Everything is fresh made. And although the place is incredibly small, the atmosphere is wonderful. Definitely a place I would go back to!

After tea, we shopped in the area a bit, then ended up going to the Buckland Hills area. I got a new pair of heels at DSW for less than 30$! They were on clearance with an additional discount. Plus they are cute and comfy as all get-out. I couldn’t pass it up.

After we dropped people back off at their cars, I went over to Jess’ and met up with the Knit Night. It was a short visit for me, but we got to watch ‘Warlock.’ So it was totally worth it.

And you know the Big Red Blanket? FINISHED. OH YEAH. Got that bad boy done this morning! Pics will come a little later. I’m just thrilled for it to be finally finished!! I think I’m going to add tassles in the corner so I don’t have to weave in the ends on the corners. Yeah. I think that is a good plan.

So…Back to Carissa, I guess. Ever since she moved in with Sam and I, I think things have been moving towards this final outcome. I think it was inevitable, given how things happened while she and David lived with us. But she’s finally defriended me from Facebook. (OH NO! The Be-All and End-All of things she could have done!) I honestly think this whole thing is stupid and ridiculous. But  my meaning here is that I can take a hint without it being thrown in my face.

Basically, in addition to going all Bride-zilla with her wedding (because she swears up and down that no one cared and no one gave a shit even though everyone pretty much dropped everything that they were doing to help her put the damned rag-tag thing together) she is now also pregnant. And it is the same thing with this as it was with her wedding. If you don’t drop everything 24/7 and aren’t ripping your skin off because you can’t contain your joy every time she brings up her (not even three months pregnant) ‘baby bump,’ then you aren’t really happy for her. And then she mounts a Facebook campain with the slogan, "When you’re going through a hard time you really know who your REAL friends are."

Since her wedding, I’ve made the decision to just not speak to her unless she speaks to me first. And even then, only saying what needs to be said. I got tired of her biting my head off at every turn for every little thing. I had been hoping that if I gave her whatever space she needed and didn’t instigate or say anything that could possibly be misinterpretted (which in all honesty is what happened 90% of the time and is why things got so out of control so quickly) that things would cool off and just go back to normal. (Hey- it worked for Meg and I.) But then she got pregnant and it is clearly going to be a nine-month-long continuation of her wedding.

It is completely tiring, and I fully believe she is off her gourd.I honestly cannot wrap my head around the fact that she just can’t let people be happy for her. If someone says they’re happy for you, then just let it be.

But in the past few weeks, things have gotten completely out of control. In her latest "…You know who your REAL friends are" campaign, one of our mutal friends sent Carissa an email. She asked Carissa how she would feel if This Person was going through This Equally Hard Time and Person B just had This Horrible Thing happen to them, and would it change how she felt about her current feelings of being ignored.  And Carissa’s response to that had been, "Well I pretty much figured that out." 

Paraphrasing heavily on that. But basically, she was aware of how much shit everyone else around her is going through, and is still selfish enough to sit there and say, "Well, people should still be paying more attention to me." And trust me when I say, I know some of the things that our other friends are going through, and they more than trump Carissa’s need to be an attention whore. That isn’t to say that those people are not happy for Carissa (wedding, baby, starting her family) because they are. But no matter how much attention Carissa receieves, it will never be enough.

And that isn’t even including anything she’s done to me, personally. In addition to the bullshit going on before we wedding :

Just a refresher, here. Telling me the only reason why I was still in her wedding was because she wanted Sam in her wedding. Telling me that I didn’t have to attend the rehearsal for her wedding because my presence there (as her ‘MOH’) wasn’t important because I wasn’t speaking. But Sam had to be there. That’s important. My wedding gift to her was going to be making her wedding cake. And just a few days before the wedding decided she didn’t want me making her cake, and her fiance’s (now husband’s) sister is going to be making the cake. (It collapsed.) Telling me she didn’t consider me as a friend, but I should be lucky she’s allowing me to be in her wedding. She doesn’t consider me to be a friend, but I still expect you get all of the music ready for my wedding and for the entire reception. And speaking of the reception? I’m not going to have you and Sam sit near each other. I hope its okay, but I’m going to put Sam on my side of the table. (Glad her mother had more sense than that when she was setting the name cards at the head table.)

Not to mention how she and Dave literally packed up one day and left without telling us they were moving out and leaving the room they stayed in completely trashed. (Literally, there was food and garbage everywhere.) I’ll spare you the refresher on all of the disprespect she dished out while she was living here. Nor am I going to

mention how she got pregnant in our house when, up until the day she and Dave packed up and left, they had no prospects of leaving and had asked us to stay longer than they originally anticipated. We won’t mention that.

Are we going to discuss how I dropped everything going on in my life when this guy dumped her to go back to his baby’s mother? After he and Carissa had been dating for only seven months? And I dropped everything to make sure she didn’t kill herself? Because that was a thing. No. I won’t bring that up either. That was AGES ago. Hardly worth mentioning. It was a whole year ago. Why bring up all that old stuff? Water under the bridge and all that.

But in addition to all of that, which happened before her wedding, after the wedding she apparently went to all of my friends (our mutual friends) and tried to get them to hate me because "Drea is such a terrible person, the things she’s done to me." (I won’t pretend I was the perfect person to live with. I know I wasn’t.) I opened my heart and my home to her when she needed it the most, and all she did was shit all over that. I have literally sat here the past two months and watched her undo herself completely with no results on trying to make anyone hate me.

Do you want to know what made her defriend me on Facebook? The Last Straw for her, so to speak? (I can only assume that this is what it was, because it is the only thing I’ve said to her without promt since her wedding.)

She is a part of Game Night, in addition to seven others (including myself.) We get together when we can and we play Dungeons and Dragons, with Sam as the DM. (DM meaning Dungeon Master for those who don’t play the game. The DM is the person that runs the campaign.) Because there are so many of us, it is easier for us to have a thread on Facebook. One of us (Usually Jess) asks if we want to try for game this week, and we all respond with our availablity.

I got tired people saying, "Do you want to try for game this week?" And having her say, "I’m down for anything, but I’m not going to W-bury." And then not show up. Or having Dan say, "We can have it my place," and having her say, "I can do game tonight, but not W-bury," as a response. After no one freaking brings up W-bury. Ever. Sam and I have both gotten tired of her doing this. ("I’m down for whatever, but I’m not going to W-bury.") It is incredibly rude. Especially when she has no cause to say it. So I sent a message to the group that said, "Sam and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided that our place will no longer be available for hosting DnD. Please do not include W-bury as a potential meeting place when figuring out where to game. Unless, of course, Ron or Aric wish to host at some point."

Its unfortunate because we took away a convenience for half of the players. Half of us come from W-bury, and half of us are in the Tville area. So it is a little unfortunate in that respect, but I can’t handle how rude she is. And not just to me personally, but to me and Sam publicly.

But after I sent that message, she read it, and then must have decided that was ‘too much for her to handle,’ and defriended me. Only me. Not Sam. My only saving grace is that Sam is finally getting on the same page as I am, and is really seeing all the the bullshit she is pulling. There really is only so long that you can say, "She’s pregnant, so it really isn’t her fault. She’s just hormonal." 

It is really unfortunate that this how things have turned out. I have no intention of trying to repair this friendship. Her rudeness far outweighs any amount of comaraderie I may have felt towards her. Its like Meg said (If I may) "I can forgive her, but I won’t ever forget what she has said or done." Everything that has happened will alway be lingering there in the back of mind and I’m going to always wonder if she was really being my friend or if she is being just as two-faced as she claims everyone else in her life is.

But I’m finished. I’ve thrown in my towel, you can stick a fork in me, I am done.

I just re-read everything that I just wrote in that last segment. I think I may still have feelings of hostility towards her and anger over everything that has happened. I don’t know if that is healthy or not, but I feel a lot better for writing it out and putting it out there. Basically what happened in therapy was I stopped beating myself up over everything that was happening, and I stopped having anxiety attacks everytime something happened. Instead, I let the anxiety go, and in its place there was only anger. Personally, I would much rather be angry than having an anxiety attack. I can rage over something for a few while and then let it go, and it doesn’t make me feel as sick as I do as when I’m breaking down with anxiety.

Eventually, I know the anger will fade, too. And I’ll just not be friends with her, instead of actively disliking her. I actively dislike her right now. I know this because I laughed hysterically and then told everyone that would laugh with me about it when I realized she de-friended me. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have done that.

One day it will be just a bad memory of a bad time and terrible things we’ve said and done to each other. And I won’t care anymore .

ALW