Arriving at a Very Special Place
And by ‘Special Place’ I mean an anxiety ridden hell hole.
So, if you go back a couple of entries, you can read my Angry Accomplishments entry. (Yes, this is another fitness entry.) I can comfortably sit back and say, "I have accomplished much, and I am happy." Because the things that I have done so far are quite note-worthy, at least in my book. There is no doubting how far I’ve come.
Today, however – in the middle of a workout, no less – I had a thought. It was a scary thought. "What if I have done all of this for nothing? What if I get in the best shape of my life, and I can’t make it?"
We’re back to the mountain again, just so we’re all on the same page here.
It isn’t a question of whether or not I am physically able to do it. I am without a doubt in far better shape today than I was two years ago. Physically, I should have no problem climbing that beast and making it my bitch.
I still can’t traverse the goddamn monkey bars without making an ass of myself. And by ‘making an ass of myself,’ I definitely mean that I am visible shaking and near tears. And that’s just six feet. Even going back there multiple times during the week and successfully making it across the tops of those bars without falling, isn’t improving my mental state while doing it. I haven’t fallen yet. That should be fueling me and giving me confidence. Instead, my headspace is falling in on itself and I can’t deal.
In the middle of my workout today, I thought about it. I shouldn’t have thought about it. But I did. And I had to stop and go back to the workout twenty minutes later so I could get my breathing under control enough to finish out.
What I need is for something to click. Something needs to happen. I don’t know what it is yet. I don’t know when its going to come. But I know that there is something that is going to suddenly make this easier. I just hope it gets here before the end of August. 25 days left. We can do this, brain.
Maybe I just need to have a really good fall somewhere, realize it isn’t going to kill me, and get on with my life.
Who wants to push me off the monkey bars tomorrow?
ALW
This is NOT meant to sound unsupportive. But I’m going to share with you the way I get through things when I think “what if I can’t do it?” And that’s…imagine the worst possible outcome. And think about living after it. Because yes, it would suck, but that just means you’ll do it next time. And all of your exercise ISN’T for nothing. Look how happy you are with your body, (cont)
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look how much you’ve accomplished in the last few months. Katahdin may be your goal, but it doesn’t negate everything you’ve done for yourself. And I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that you will do it. I do believe that. Love,
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RYN: I, also, am sure that you are not going to fall off the mountain and die. FTR, because I am a nerd like that, I checked the fatality record on Katahdin and it is very, very low for a mountain of that height and scale. Your odds of falling off the mountain and dying are pretty low. And since you managed to avoid it last year, I have total faith that you will repeat avoiding it now 🙂 Love,
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