2013 : Year of Cleansing *

There are a lot of things that I have done in my life that I am not proud of. There are a lot of people that I have wronged. A lot of people that, at the time, I thought it was somehow easier to walk away from, rather than apologize to. There are a lot of things that I have done in the past that I still look upon today and I ask myself, "Why did you do that? What were you thinking?" And I know I can’t take it back. I can’t wave a magic wand and wish it away, act like it never happened.

There are a lot of people that I know who call me heartless. Mean. A very hard person on the inside.

Most of the time, I humor them and I tell them that they’re right. Because sometimes, that is easier. And I let people think that I am this hard-hearted person who doesn’t care about others.

I am not that way, though. I put on a good show, sure. But every time I decide that a person is no longer good for me, and I have one of my ‘notorious’ confrontations with people, I never forget it. And it bothers me. For a really long time. I regret 95% of all the things I have said to people in those confrontations. Sometimes I can’t help myself. In the heat of the moment, I just want to get it all out. And then I wish I hadn’t.

Or even worse, because caught out in something that I have done wrong. Apologizing for something that I have done wrong has never been a strong suit of mine. In the past, instead of apologizing, I just walked away. And I walked away from some really, really good friendships. And for what? Because I too ‘proud’ to say I was a fuck up? (Because that is something I want to be proud of, right there.) 

Its been roughly seven years since I walked away from K and M. My friendship with them ended terribly. I lied about things that weren’t even worth lying about. I wronged them, and couldn’t even work up the courage to apologize. I have never forgotten what I did. I don’t think I ever will. Nor will I ever forget all of the kind and generous things they had done for me in the past. Them, and their families.

Its because of them that I am the person that I am today, though. It makes me sick to my stomach to lie. Even a little white lie. I can’t do it. I am brutally honest. I couldn’t deceive someone even if I tried. Everyone knows exactly where they stand with me, and everyone knows everything about me. It is written on my face. You can read it in the way I act.

I am not the same person that I used to be. Even now, when I am no longer friends with them, K and M are still making me a better person. I just wish I could have treated them as better friends when I had them in my life.

This year is going to be really tough. I’m going to make it my year of cleansing. My year of apologies. And my year to strive to be a better person.

I wrote M a letter today, and sent it to her via Facebook. I don’t have any other means of contacting her. I feel like it is a little bit cowardly to send her a message on FB, but the things I wrote to her needed to be said. And she needed to hear them. Even if ‘hearing’ is really ‘reading.’K is going to be getting a letter too. She was my closest friend growing up. And I can’t even begin to think of how to put into words how I feel about everything. But I’ll give it time.

I already sent out one to M. And I can’t take it back now. So its time to hold on to your butts! 2013 is going to be a wild ride!

ALW

*About twenty minutes after I sent M my message, I got the notification that she read it. (I both love and hate that Facebook does that now.) I had a mini panic attack about it, and then I told myself that what was done was done. I said what was needed to be said. And if she responds, great. If she doesn’t, then that’s fine too.

Two hours after that, she sent me a response back. Saying (much more eloquently than I did, I might add) everything that I was feeling myself. She says that for as much as I blamed myself for our friendship going south, she blamed herself in equal parts. And I’m actually astounded and almost at a loss for words at finding out just how much she’s beaten herself up over the whole ordeal. She actually asked me if I could forgive her. And I had no idea that she had done anything wrong.

She even asked me if I would meet her for coffee sometime and catch up. I said I would. We haven’t made a definite plan yet, but I’m looking forward to it. I feel like I should have sent her a message sooner. Then we may have not missed out on so much.

ALW