Theme of the Week – Nobody Knows That I…

Initially I was convinced there’s somebody who knows at least some of every little bit about me…

No, that’s not true.

Maybe it’s some sort of variant of the false consensus bias… I think or feel or do a thing and then BAM everyone knows! That’s not really how it works. Communication is normally a big problem in relationships for me (wait, isn’t it a big problem for everyone though?) because I go on about my day as if the people around me are clued in on what’s going on in my mind.

Not so much as of late. I’ve just been getting things done and then onto the next thing and onto the next. Really don’t feel like sharing my thoughts and feelings, there are objectives waiting to be completed — and if I’m not completing an objective, then I’m trying to take a load off and sharing my thoughts and feelings doesn’t come across as a calming activity for me.

One of the reasons I’m so excited to be back here. I don’t know why, but it’s okay here.

But what is it that people don’t know about me? Still a difficult question.

There’s one thought that I’ve had multiple times over the past few weeks that I don’t think I’ve ever verbalized:

Nobody knows that I really want to take a vacation – on my own – where I just go off and cry. Days. Days and days of different levels of sobbing and sniffling and maybe even some wailing. Watching heart-wrenching movies. Doing… whatever other thing it is people do where it’s okay to cry. I don’t want anyone to rush in to try and comfort me, I just want to cry. Get it all out. All by myself.

I guess I feel like if I do that some realization will come to me. I’m not sure why I even need a realization. What, like some thought that will fix all of the problems? Ha, right.

It just sounds nice though. A crycation. A sadventure. There’s nothing wrong with it, is there? I just want full permission and ability to just wallow and hide.

I really can’t think of anything to do to induce the tears besides watch sad movies though….