trying.

I know I promised I’d be more delightful, but I’m not feeling delightful these days.

I am truly unhappy at work.  I know this happens every time but I haven’t felt this much like I need out since gordongroup.  I was awful there.  I would come home and start yelling at my roommate for being messy and I would lose it and vacuum obsessively… I just wasn’t happy.  Today I come home and I just feel so trapped.  I’m trying to figure out how to get out of this one without upsetting anyone and without letting anyone down.  

The trouble right now especially is that I am feeling quite let down by how this summer went.  I feel like I did not get the work experience that I was told I was buying into.  When it comes down to it, I feel a little bit like I was duped.  That sounds awful when you think about it, but I don’t think it’s ever done out of malice with these people.  I don’t mean to call anyone a liar.  But I can’t help but feel so disappointed in how things are and how they have been over the last few months.

I’m in an especially awkward situation because though I very much want to go find another job, I wonder if these people are going to be upset if I go out and search for another job.  I feel like they will feel betrayed if I do that.  On the other hand, I really would like to have the winter off, which is what I would have if I stay.  So, either I go ahead and take the winter off and get paid, and then do this garbage all over again next year, and be miserable again, or I can take the winter off and then find a new job and feel like they will feel used over my getting paid by them to not work all winter.

I don’t know.

I think this is all coming to a head right now because I’m also sans a roommate.  I’m in quite a tight financial position at the moment.  I’m figuring it out and surviving, and frankly losing weight because of the very limited grocery money, so it’s not all bad, but it’s stressful.  And I think this may be contributing to my growing resentment for my employer.

That and I threw out my back a few weeks back and still can’t afford to go to the chiropractor and have my rib popped back in place.  I’m in a general state of pain and it’s got to be taking its toll.  I’ve finally made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and God help my VISA.  Plus, now that I’ve waited this long, I’m sure I’ll have to go back at least once.  The muscles around the rib are hugely knotted, so it might be impossible to get the rib back to normal in one visit.

Well, that’s quite enough complaining for today I think.  I just needed to get it all out, you know?  These are my struggles right now.  This is my life!