last.

Keith called at 4:40 yesterday afternoon.  They had just heard how long Granny had.  A few days.  So soon, I can’t believe how quick it’s all happening.

He asked if I’d like to come to the hospital to visit after work.  Well, he said I could if I wanted to.  Just in case that meant "I’d really like you to come" I said of course.  Truth be told, hospitals scare me and death scares me most.  But I did want to say goodbye.  She was a sweet lady and her never failing patience with Keith’s grandfather was something I always watched with rapt attention, just in case Keith turns into that same old man one day.  He’s not bad, just teases.  She would roll her eyes, but when he had crossed a line she’d sigh loudly and go "PAT! For goodness sake!" and we’d all laugh.  It was like a game, how long it would take him to get her to the breaking point.  She’d always smile after and shake her head.

We walked in to the dim hospital room and I almost gasped.  She was so small, so frail.  Unrecognizable, really.  This woman never left the house without her hair just so and her make-up applied.  They told a story of how she had once had an accident in the kitchen: she had made a double boiler and it had blown up and hurt her.  Her mother was ready to rush her to the hospital but Sheila said she had to do her face before going.  Hilarious.  She didn’t win that fight, of course.  Imagine telling your mother to hold on, mascara needs to be applied, while you’re injured and need medical attention.

I felt awkward in that room, taking up a space when I wasn’t really family.  I had to fight that feeling, though, because I will be in a little over three months, and this family immediately accepts whoever anybody brings into their lives.  I knew they would want me to be a part of this, to feel welcome, and that it would probably offend or confuse if I were to say no thank you.  So we sat on either side of the bed, our hands taking over for the hands that were holding hers before us.  So frail.  So boney.  She held my hand and they told her who was beside her and she squeezed and stroked my fingers with her thumb.  I looked at Keith and he looked back.  We just don’t know how to be in this place, I thought.  Nothing on our faces.  Nothing doing, I guess.  All we can do is be here.

She had two moments where she opened her eyes and seemed to really recognize and react to what was happening around her.  I think she got it the whole time, but in these two moments she was able to look around and she seemed to smile.  Once when I was holding her hand and she opened her eyes suddenly and looked straight at me.  I held her gaze because I didn’t know what to say.  Keith’s aunt was explaining to her that "Kaitlin’s here to visit you mom, you know Kaitlin, she’s marrying Keith.  And they’re going to make you some great grandchildren mom.  Isn’t that wonderful?"  And she just stared.  She looked confused at first, like who is this holding my hand I don’t know her.  And then when it was explained she seemed to relax and then when kids were mentioned, she looked a little happy.  It’s so hard to tell when she can hardly move, and maybe I was imagining it, but Keith’s aunt said so too and so that’s what I believe.

We held it together until it was time for Keith and I to leave.  He leaned over his Granny and said, "Bye Granny, Kaitlin and I have to get going for today."  She opened her eyes and looked straight at him.  It was one of those rare moments when you know she’s listening and so he told her, "Granny I don’t know if you heard before when I told you, but I started a new job today.  It was pretty fun and I think I’m going to like it."  She did her little half smile and breathed out and "Oh!" and Keith’s aunt said, "Keith, do you want us to leave?"  Her voice cracked on ‘leave’.  No no, he said, and I shook my head too.  Keith’s cousin Shannon grabbed a tissue and covertly dabbed her eyes, but I saw.  Keith said bye and she closed her eyes again, clearly exhausted.  I said Bye Sheila, it was so nice to see you, and I touched her hand, but she didn’t react, and I’m ashamed to say I was relieved.  This was Keith’s goodbye, and she reacted the best for him, and that’s what’s right.  When there are so few moments of eye contact and last words left, I don’t want to take any of those away from the people who loved her most.

We left and walked outside and Keith said "Thank you for coming" and he hugged me.  We made plans to see each other the next night and got in our cars and drove away.  I made it to the onramp of the highway before completely blubbering up.  Just the saddest thing, all this.  And I had to fight the urge to go straight to my grandparents house and hug my gramma forever.

We’re so fortunate, really.  Surrounded by so many family members and sharing so much love.  I’m so grateful.