budget.

I am working no more than ten hours a week.  It’s troubling, that.  How am I to pay the bills?  It makes me sad to accept money from others trying to help out.  I have to consciously swallow my pride and remind myself I need to do this.  Actually need.  And then that I would do the exact same thing for them, so why the resistance?  Yucky, money.

This morning the fellow woke me up on the phone.  It was a happy thing, to answer that call and hear his voice first thing.  But then the talk of money came and the wedding and budget and how we both feel badly and yet also thankful that our parents are spending so much on our wedding.  But then the guilt came and I felt so sad.  Sadder than I have felt in quite some time.  I don’t know how to express that I can’t make the price of things less than they are and that suggesting plastic cutlery is not funny to me.  I feel that if our families made the guest list 90 people more than we intended, then why should I feel so guilty when they are surprised it costs 90 people more?  I expressed these things when they were adding them, so I don’t feel I should be responsible for this nonsense.

You want to feed 240 people then feed them.  I just want to get married.

We’ve decided to talk to those who don’t have significant others and explain that we’d really like them not to bring a date.  We could cut a ton of plates out this way, and people really shouldn’t be bringing a date they aren’t actually in a relationship anyway.  But just because I know that doesn’t mean they will, so we need to ask them not to.  Them’s the breaks I guess.

I felt my first stress about this thing today.  Wish we’d gotten married last summer.  Blech.