breathe.

I’m feeling pensive.  At rest.  Observant.

I feel like right now I’m coasting along.  I can usually feel when something big is going to thrust upon us, but I don’t feel that now.  This is everyday.  Life.  Right now is just normal.

It’s kind of freeing.  Relaxing.

Content.

I’m the type of person who achieves a goal and promptly makes another one.  The ‘what’s next’ is always on my mind.  I’m continually looking forward to something.  Usually chatting about how relaxed we’ll finally be when this or that or the other thing is over and done.  But when I get there, alas, I need to look forward to the next thing instead.

I’m trying to take time.

I’m trying to look around and actually enjoy this time that is after the big goal.  To not set bigger finish lines.  To enjoy some moments here, where we are.

It’s hard for me.

I often spend time looking at houses on the internet, despite the fact that we have a lovely condo and it deserves some enjoying and are at least two years from buying a new home.  I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about having babies and what I’ll name them and what high school I want them to go to and how I’ll announce I’m pregnant and how I’ll do their hair and tattoo their sweet names on myself.  No, today’s not that day.

In due time.  What’s my hurry?

I once noticed this trait in myself and asked a friend why I couldn’t be content with what I had.  Why must I always have to be striving for the next thing?

He told me, "But that’s you.  It’s what makes you Kaitlin.  If you didn’t do that all the time, I wouldn’t know who you were."

It kind of made me feel warm and special.  That someone would notice and accept and appreciate something that made me so me.  But still, I think it’s important to slow down.

I always have goals.  I’ve been writing them down since I was a child.  I find it therapeutic to have somewhere to go.  Something guiding my decisions.  I need to know why I’m doing something in order to actually do it.  There needs to be a reason for everything in my world.  Even if the reason is ‘because I need to appreciate this beautiful place I find myself in’.  So I’m taking time.  I’m trying to observe.  Relax.  Take it all in.

Life will change soon enough.  And we have our goals.  We have timelines worked out and we’ll get there.  But not today.  Today is just Tuesday.  Today I work at my desk.  I eat a sandwich.  I visit the gym.  I write some addresses on some envelopes and cross something off my ‘to-do’.  And it’ll just be another day, probably.

For that, I am grateful.