Maybe it’s my seasonal depression

I’m always a little afraid to post things that are so personal like this because I’m always paranoid someone I know is going to find out, but this has kinda been bothering me and I just need to get it out. I guess.

Little backstory for anyone who might be interested enough to actually read this. I’ve never been a serious dater. I don’t like people, I don’t bother with them. Not that I’m afraid of being in love or being hurt or whatever, it’s just never been my thing and I find it hard to connect to people on that level. I’ve got a handful of good friends, both disposable and irreplaceable, and I’ve got my family, and my two dogs, it’s all I’ve needed, it’s all I’ve wanted.

At the beginning of the year an old coworker/friend of mine called me up begging that I go on a date with a fella he worked with who he promised he would try to set him up with someone. I kinda owed my ex coworker friend a favor so I agreed. Thinking one or two dates would be enough to keep him to his end of the deal and be done with it. And because life is apparently like the movies sometimes, I ended up actually really liking the guy.

This guy and I have been dating for the past few months and I love him, I can see myself marrying him however terrifying that idea may be. However, I have my doubts that he feels the same. You see, this guy has never had a girlfriend before, he’s never dated, he’s never had sex, he’s never even kissed anybody until me. Did i mention he’s in his thirties?

I don’t know sometimes the difference between my anxiety and real life. But, something tells me I’m not making this all up in my head and I should just go ahead and bow out gracefully before it’s too late.

Whats making me feel this way, tonight at least, is that he’s constantly talking to my two best friends on Facebook. These girls are amazing, they are smart, beautiful, caring women, much better than I am and probably much better suited for him. These girls would never do anything to break my trust or hurt me, and I don’t think this boy will either (mostly because i don’t think he would know how to and because he just genuinely is a good person).  But it seems that he’s talking to them more than me, he gives them full sentence replies where most of the time i get an emoji. It makes me feel like he would rather be talking and hanging out with them than me, and to be fair as I said before, they seem to be better suited for him so it would make sense.

I’m not anymore experienced in dating than he is, but I just feel like there are warning signs all over the place that this isn’t going to work. He never seems to want to do anything just the two of us, it’s always plans with friends, or going out to eat, or something. It’s never just come over and spend quality time just the two of us. I’m starting think he’s maybe just settling for the first thing to come around and just wants to show everyone “see I can get a girlfriend.”

Does that make sense? Probably not. I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling.

I’m sad and it could just be because it’s been raining all day and I’ve been trapped inside my parents house. I just love this boy, I never thought that would happen, I guess I just want him to love me back.