Unsent reply
Dearest Dad,
I was afraid you’d say something like this, and now you’ve realized my fear.
"My career is not prestigious. So I owe Mom a pride which I can never give for the rest of my life. I hope my son can do that for me, at least before she loses her consciousness by age."
You have no idea how you hurt me by saying this. So, you can’t keep out the truth now, can you? You can’t continue to pretend that my job as a secondary school teacher is not one that you want, can you? All these years – they have meant nothing but fake praises and half-hearted approvals, haven’t they? You’re telling me that I’m really a SHAME of the family for being a lowly secondary school teacher in a non-descript school, aren’t you? My decision to stay in my career, which in my opinion is as noble as any other, has deeply hurt your PRIDE, hasn’t it?
"You have already had the qualifications, just what time are you willing to show them to a higher ranked potential employer?"
Maybe I’m stupid and naive, but I just don’t agree that a university ranks higher than a secondary school. The word "university" does sound more prestigious, but the comparison ends here. A university and a secondary school play different roles and require different skills, how can you compare their "status"? So what if I have the qualifications to apply for a position at a university? You’re saying I’m letting my knowledge go to waste by staying in my present teaching job. I’m telling you, this is not a fact, this is a state of mind. The academic qualifications I earned are never a waste, simply because I do not feel this way.
"Mom at the same time was doing very well in her employment in the private sector and started to earn higher salaries than me. As she climbed up her career ladder I began to feel guilty of not keeping up. She was disappointed, and she could not tell people proudly what her husband’s position was, I knew."
So it all boils down to money, prestige, and most of all, COMPARISON. You feel inadequate because Mom earned more money than you did. You feel guilty because Mom could not be proud of your career – which is ridiculous, you know why? Because you’re a Principal Valuation Officer – in Chinese, º®uª«·~¦ô»ù¥D¥ô – and that’s in the government, not just a blown-up title used by mosquito-sized companies. If Mom could not be proud of this, then there’s a problem with her, not you. Would you say the husband of ³¯¤è¦w¥Í should feel ashamed because his wife was much more "successful" than him?
It’s now apparent that you want me to fulfill your dream for you. I’m sorry but I can’t do that. You can call me selfish or even disrespectful, but I have my own dreams. My life is given by you, but my life is not lived for you.
"Piety to parents means more than just taking care of them."
Of course. Piety to parents also involves love, respect, devotion, time spent with them, etc. But does it include fulfilling every one of their wishes? What if your wish is a direct contradiction with mine? Does my own wish count in the least? I’m perfectly happy with my job, I’m doing my job right, I’m actually making my students enjoy learning, I earn an adequate salary, I send you allowances, I save up in case of emergencies so you need not worry, I will never leave you uncared for – what more do you want? As a parent, don’t you want your son to be happy? Won’t you be happy simply because your son is enjoying life and at the same time positively contributing to society?
Dad, I understand how you’re feeling, but I’m afraid that if I try to do what you want, I’ll have lost myself, and I’ll be perpetuating this vicious cycle of children fulfilling their parents’ dreams. I don’t think this is how life should be lived. I feel really sorry for not being "filial" to you, but there’s nothing I can do, or will do. But the last thing I want is more arguments with you, because there’s nothing more precious than a happy family. I know I can’t convince you to follow my line of argument, and you can’t make me do something I don’t believe in. I just want our relationship to remain harmonious and friendly, even if that means not opening up our hearts. We will continue to chat about other things, but I’m shutting myself off in this matter. We’ve been through too many arguments, I’ve heard you and you’ve heard me, and that’s quite enough.
That’s why I won’t send you this reply as this will just create more discord.
Take care, Dad.
envelope it, and send it on its way to your dad. he needs to hear the truth.
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You have your own heart to follow. One day your dad will realize that.
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I believe you are such a good seconday teacher.
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§A©Ò¸g¾úªº¥¿¬O§Ú®a¸Ì(dad and brother)±¹ïªº³B¹Ò¡C¤÷¿Ë¦³¥Lªº´Á±æ¡A¨à¤l¦³¥Lªº·Qªk¡C¤£n¥¢±æ¤£n©ñ±ó¡A¦]¬°¤j®a¤]¬O¥X©ó·R¡C……..cm
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So glad to see your new entry. 🙂 I imagine u must have been under a lot of pressure all along… my dad also wants/prefers me and my brother to be ‘scholars’ but it’s obvious that we’re heading to directions far from that. He doesnt’ talk about the subject anymore now, but i think in his heart he still minds.
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Your parents have every reason to be proud of u, because u’re a great teacher! Teaching, to u, is not merely a job, a means to earn a living, but a purpose in life, a passion that keeps u going and gives u satisfaction. U’re right, what more can one ask for? It’s definitely not easy to be able to do what one really wants to do in life. Hope that one day your dad will finally understand that.
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¦b§Aªº¦æ·~°µ¨ì³Ì¦n, §Aªº¤÷¿Ë·|¥H§A¦Û»¨ªº!
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a common and longlasting tension between parents and children nothing can be done except shutting off from any argument…sigh…
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so happy to read your new entry. have been looking forward to it. you’re a wonderful teacher. i think you can be proud of yourself… i think one day, when your father knows how brilliant you are as a teacher, he will be proud of you. take care!!
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hm… er… ¥[ªo¡I
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Sometimes parents’ expectations of us might be unrealistic or even unreasonable, but at the end of the day, they just want the best for us. Your Dad might be looking in terms of the prestige or even salary you will get being a Uni lecturer, and think that it is the best for you. I think you ought to let him understand your point of view. Dun be too upset. *pat pat*
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¦pªG¨S¦³¤¤¾Ç±Ð®v, ¦ó¨Ó¦³¤j¾Ç¥Í©O? §Ú¤£»{¬°¤¤¾Ç¦Ñ®v«K¤ñ¤j¾Ç¦Ñ®v®t, ¥L̪º¤u§@¶q¤ÎÀ£¤O¬O¨º»ò«, §ÚÌÀ³¸Ó¨ØªA©O. ÁöµM§Ú¤£¬O¤@ӦѮv, ¦ý§ÚÁ`ı±o¦¨¬°¤@ӦѮv¬O¼F®`ªº°Ú. §Æ±æ§Aªºª¨ª¨·|©ú¥Õ§Aªº¤ß±¡, ¤£n©ñ±ó°Ú, Ä~Äò¨«§A·Q¨«ªº¸ô~ ¥[ªo°Ú¦Ñ®v~
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I’d say, it’s not a problem of your job/career. It’s the “problem” of traditional Chinese family. Take care, kkbb. You know your parents the best, and you know what is the best act. ^^
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¦Ñ®v¬O¤@Ó¼F®`ªº¦æ·~¡C¤j¾Ç¡B¤¤¾Ç¡B¤p¾Ç¡B¥®¸X¶é³£¤@¼Ë¡A³d¥ô«¤j¡C
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Cheers~ Gd Luck your work and life!
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perhaps there’s nothing more powerful than listening… take care.
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Parents cannot be expected understand the intricacies in their offsprings’career choices, but they have *their* own wishes to fullfil – they may want a bigger allowance, or the ability to brag about their kids accomplishments. So of course they would use any arsenal at their disposal to help make ¥ª¥k their offsprings decisions.
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But, using your *mom* as an excuse – that’s just… low, but not entirely unexpected. Don’t take it too personally. Now – this is out of curiousity – why don’t you want to teach at a University?
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((hugs))
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We are by your side, buddy.
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RYN: Wow… thanks for your multiple notes. 🙂 kkbb we all know u’re a very busy person, so please please don’t feel obliged to go back to my old entries if u really don’t want to/feel tired… it’s enough to know that u’re my good friend on OD already. 🙂
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¥[ªo!!!! ¤÷¥À¹ï¤l¤kªº´Á±æ¬O¥²µMªº ¦ý§Ú»{¬°§A¬O¤@Ó¦n¦Ñ®v!!! ¤@®a¤H¹À!!! §Ú¬Û«H¥L¬O¥H§A¬°ºaªº!
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Cheer up! =) What’s wrong of being a teacher??? I think your dad is very snobbish about ‘family pride’!
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life is always like that. I understand how you feel. And I understand how your dad feels also. hmm.
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Yeah.. don’t give up. I understnad your feeling. You know what I mean. You have us here. Your OD fans. :o)
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re: ³Þ³Þ¦Ñ®v, §Öd¥ð®§°Õ, ¦n©]°Õ, Å¥¤éø°÷ºë¯«ªð¾Ç, ¦P¾Ç¥J´Nø¶}¤ß¬[°Õ. =p
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i can feel your pain. firstly it’s your dad’s own perception of himself, sounds a bit inferior and he projects his expectation of himself on u, of which “teacher” is something not good enough… at least i’m glad that u have your faith and u know what u r doing. u r not giving up though your family has such impressive background (though u didn’t mention your mom’s exact title/ job).
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…..this is not easy. right, be yourself. work can’t be always easy and pleasant so it’s important for u to do what u really like. i’m not sure if one day your dad will understand and really “appreciate” it..but don’t let it ruin the relationships between u two. good that u write it here though it’s unsent. btw, i’m really so glad that u r back to the OD. longing for more entries from u sheep
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Thanks for sharing this unsent letter with us. It serves as a reminder for me as a parent, how we should be careful of what our expectations for our children. I am glad your purpose and your determination in life hasn’t changed because of father. You are an admirable person. Continue your path with courage. May God lead your way, always!
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Thanks for your note. Yes, you are right. I have problemson OD. 1. Cannot have both Chinese and English on the same OD page. 2. cannot leave note to you at home. hehehe I can only do it in office. Hahaha. Let you update… I have joint the Church Choir lately. Hahahaha..Maybe I will sacre some people away from Church. Hahaha :o)
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At least your dad was more subtle about it. I’m just starting off in the career world and he won’t help pay for my college tuition unless I agree NOT to take a degree in English and literature.
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