it does my head in

For years I have been on here .. reading all about your lives .. writing about mine .. but not the truth ..

you can’t handle the truth.

Yes I have had a troublesome child.. Sparky did my head in .. but he has come out the other side a and man is he ever a wicked kid .. I always loved him .. even if I didn’t like him very much..

The others are all cool .. a pain sometimes and we argue  and I need to bring them back into line occaionally .. but good upstanding kids. with greta work ethics , manners and kindness towards my care kids.. sometimes my heart melts at the things they do and say .. especially S .. a 15 year old boy .. playing blocks witha 2 yr old and being supprised when the blocks fall.. or Maxi  13 reading "fox in socks" with great expression and laughing when he gets tongue tied..

I left my husband .. and have been lost ever since ..

I have bounced around… without purpose.

My dream was and still is to have a horde of grandkids bouncing on my knee and for Ian and I to look after them and be sitting on the front porch in rockers with a huge yard filled with kids and toys … manicured lawns .. a tyre swing .. and a house bus up the drive ..

Even now when I think of Allycat getting married or having kids I see Ian and I together .. that dream will never be a reality .. and it breaks my heart. I did the right thing for the family and me leaving that relationship I know that .. and I thought for a moment that I could find that again…find happiness and love, someone to fill that place beside me , a life partner that totally completed me.. I had that for a few years .. but have no idea what happened.. and so i sit in limbo. Not wanting to go forward .. but desperatly needing to. .

Ba Humbug…

It will all be better in the morning..

What a bum mood