I packed up all his stuff

I have had no contact with TOH now for close to a week .. today I packed his stuff in a box ..

A few shirts he’s left in the wardrobe, razors , toothbrush, photos his Mum told to share with me , books on the bedside table, Presents he got for Christmas from a friend that were rude and he didn’t want to have to explain them to his kids so they sat in my room.. all in the box.

I text and asked what time he was going back to the Naki.. .. thinking he’d have to pass by here and could pick them up .. we were going away for the day ..

He replied 3am tomorrow..

So I text back .. ok will drop stuff to your Mum and the boys birthday presents.

Then he sent back .. ta .. and waffled on about how he took a day off work to sort out his accommodation , his dog and blah blah how she is in Pup and he needs a whelping box etc..

Again with the bloody dog.. would never take a day off work for me..

I was pissed.. later in the day we were at the beach and I just wrote out a text of things to say as I had all week but never sent them, just added them to Draft copies.. well I pushed send and then the kids asked me something .. I took my eyes of the phone and pushed send again not save .. opps .. buggar.

Everyone says his loss , you better off without him , my head agrees but my heart says otherwise, no matter where I go no matter what I do , you are there with me and I cry ova and ova.

he replied pretty quick .. ..and is such a hard ass.

Everyone saying that can die a fkn painful one, maybe we can try again down the track and remain fbs and m8s but for now we want different things x

I just want to shake him .. I want to slap him upside the head and say .. what about me .. what about my feelings .. .

I know .. we have issuescan they be resolved? will you come see me ? I am prepared to move on if I have to.

Dunno, you got the issues, I trying to pay the bills, and my kids always get 1st place end of story wont take bs from anyone for that, Might see you next weekend , not this trip.

kids are #1 I get that, My issue is commitment to me , contact for me and not being under the dog. If i can not get that from you than we wont be able to resolve anything

I never heard back

kids come first and always will and he wont stand for BS from anyone about that .. I never  wanted to come before the kids .. that was something I truly admired about him .. his love and devotion to the kids.

I have had a miserable weekend .. scattered with fine patches.. I think I need a hypno session to remove these feelings .. at some stages throughout the day I think if he walked in here right now I;d hug him cry and make out .. have him without a second thought ..

then other times I am so hacked off with him I look at myself and say .. why would you let him say that to you , do that to you , how come he has this huge hold over you .. you can get on with life without him ..

Then I cry and cry and I think I am scared ..

I thought today .. what the hell have I down with my life …

A failed marriage .. 5 wonderful kids (greif and all ) .. a lost soul mate .. and now this

Surely it has to get better , surely I can do this .. hell what was my mantra again ..

Guys are Buzzards

I had a call from a mate of a mate .. he heard that I was on my own now .. did I want to hang out ? .. ohhh nice … yeah right .. he thought I’d be desperate .. gagging for it.   he didn’t want to be my friend. he wanted me to jump into bed with him , said hey no need for BAS to know .. I said there is nothing to Tell .. and nor will there be .. thanks for the coffee.   Buzzard

I don’t know ..

Guess I should just go to bed , but I lay there awake and tears stream silently down my cheeks and into my ears.

I am so so torn apart.

TTFN..xox