I feel the need to write

 

Anger , explicit sexual reference and swearing… warning towards the end..

 

Its been months since I was here ,

We have a laptop now and hardly use the desk top computer , and I actually find it hard to write on this new machine .. well I thought it was going to be hard , its not to bad now that I am used to the Laptop.

Its 3 months till the wedding , December seems to be looming up really fast.

I have my dress, ( no shoes), I have a cake topper , we have booked the celebrant, buses , photographer, venue and won 2 hours with a photo booth. I printed off the invite photos , now to write the invite and print that and stick it all together.

We have been buying bottles of spirits duty free when friends and family travelled. This week we buy the mixers.

I have a layby for my flowers , they are red leather..

Yesterday I paid off the rings.

TOH and I are writing vows , we are writing the whole ceremony, letters to each other and a story of our lives together, and before we met.

cutting the guest list is proving hard, Allycat was here yesterday and she said it looks like you have put everyone on there so you don’t hurt their feelings .. Mum you need to only invite those people that you actually want there…

Jesus Christ ( forgive my blasphemy) if that was the case I would cut out my sisters husband.. and how can I do that and not upset her..

Can I invite my sister and leave him off the invite?

I am a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of my Brother in law, I say survivor , but that is broad.. yes I am still alive .. but it haunts me.. not daily .. maybe every second day .. more and more now that I am worried about him being at my wedding.

I am getting myself into a real tizz about this ..

For years it was my secret .. it was horrible .. he was my baby sitter with my sister when my parents were away .. they married and lived with us while their house was being built..They moved into my room, I had to move into the sun room of the house and that meant walking through their room to get to and from the sun room. It was a scary walk for me ..

He was not my first abuser, but the first man was told in no uncertain terms by my Father to leave and never come back or he would be dead.. and I vaguely remember that as I was pre 4 years old. and it was only the one time we think.

David’s abuse of me was from the age of 7 through to 12. I think… it may have been earlier. I know it stopped at 12 as I was coming into puberty and I was at intermediate school.

The whole "coming out" to my parents and family was a horrendous time , and then there was counselling and confrontation , needless to say he denied anything happened and my sister accused me of making it all up.

there was a period where I had nothing to do with him and would hardly see my sister , we never spoke ..he would be in the same room as me and I would walk passed .. ignore him and he would call my name and say hello , I’d be polite sometimes and say hello back or I would look at him and roll my eyes.  that was sad… I was being polite for other family members sake. I never wanted to enter into a conversation with him. 

slowly it was just forgotten and I’d visit her or she would come here .. we invited her to events .. he sometimes just turned up as he’d heard of events but he was never invited to family birthdays as she is a JW and does not believe in birthdays so never got invited, that was easy .. although he was at funerals and weddings and Mums birthdays.

Fast forward to the last 7 years. I hate him , I want nothing to do with him , I don’t want to hear what he’s been up to and when Mum mentions he lost his job , he’s been sick or anything else has failed in his life I have said .. oh too bad .. karma is a bitch!!!

I have had little day dreams where I call him and say I am over this bullshit .. that he knows what he did was wrong .. stop denying it , I am inviting M and you to the wedding, but you will not come.. .. if you turn up you WILL be removed .. All my friends know what you have done and have no problem in removing you . If you want to fight this I will take it further and go to the police.

******Anger, explicit sexual content and swearing warning *********

 

I was not the only one in my family to be affected by him .. my older sister BG was raped by him after sexual abuse,, my younger sister was also touched but as she was younger she is not very clear about what happened and thinks that it may have been a  once only event. BG and I talk about it often and council each other.. she is struggling with a very sick partner and problems at work and is having her own therapy sessions and has some very good stratagies she is sharing .. 

 

What totally pisses me off is the fact that his actions have ruined my life .. I was promiscuous as a teen .. I enjoed sexual encounters often.. sadly I  found it hard to not think of men wanting me is one way of being their friend.. all they want is sex. if I sleep with him he will like me , he will be kind to me. 

many many of my sexual encounters have been marred by his interference with me, intimate genital touching is a turn off and freezes me up.. many times he popped into my mind and the whole image of my innocent child is played in my head..

I struggled to stay on task when making love and I found that I just want my partner to get it over with and stop touching me there..

I found it hard to tell them what I want or that what they are doing to me is not working .. infact what they are doing is making me sad , sick . 

I thought I was over this , but the fear of him being at my wedding is whats been playing on my mind and how do I just invite M and not him.

I need to talk to my family and see how they feel .. I am scared to talk to my mother about it as it puts her in the middle. . M and Mum have a close relationship, and David does alot of work about Mums home , I see it as greasing.. the thought  of him makes me sick .. his name , his ugly face .. 

I just want him to die …. I wont have to worry about running into him .. 

 

I can’t write anymore. 

 

 

TTFN..xox