fighting my demons

 

Over the last week .. TOH has text me a number of times..

just odd stuff that he has been doing , plans that he is making .. where he will live .. (camp ground in a tent with the dog)

Nothing about us ..

I text a few times back .. asked a few questions .. answers came late or the next day .. reason given was lack of coverage as he is on a remote coast.

One text I sent mid afternoon asking when the results were back from his drug test , and when could he call?

He text back the next morning .. was at a mates had no coverage .. said he’;d call that night ..

I looked forward to hearing from him.. he doesn’t talk much on the phone .. but can be quite informative. And I wanted to hear more about things he had done , what it was like .. etc.

10pm and still no call .. so I text ..

Thanks for the call ..

He text straight back .. "Am in NP.. was meant to text you and change till tomorrow night .. nearly out of credit .. sorry"

I was flaming mad .. I had waited passed my bedtime , was sitting around waiting for him and he was off visiting .. without a second thought .. so I let him have it ..its been like that for ages .. no thought for me ..

the reply was .. I am not getting into a text war .. I will call tomorrow .

Don’t bother.. I was excited for today .. now I am mad and I can not fake my excitement tomorrow ..

This morning he said … lets call it a day and salvage what little friendship we still have.

Are you sure ?

Yes I am done.

Thats all , I never text him back and I never replied to the email he sent. I still haven’t.

But I am fighting with myself .. part of me wants to justify how I feel .. part of me says he can jump in the lake .. he decided to move hours away, to treat me with little consideration.

He told me over and over how he loved me .. really loved me .. I find it hard to fathem how ? 

How can a relationship work on 1 day week seeing each other , no phone calls and  half a dozen text messages.

I have a new higher opinion of myself and I deserve more .. I deserve better.. I will not be considered in any relationship after the dog.. kids i understand but the dog .. Not any more.

How did I let him do that to me ? How did I let myself ………

Tears …

Anger….

Confusion….

New Mantra .. I can do this .. I can get over this .. I am better than that .. I deserve more. Smile.. Chin up. 

 

TTFN..xox