confessions

Its been 7 years ..(sounds like the begining of a confession..father forgive my sins)

7 years ago when our computer was new and we ventured onto the web .. my husband at the time entered a chat room while i was at work and met a few interesting people from around the world. I joined in and we would sit there at night ater the kids had gone to bed and chat .. then slowly we would venture in by ourselves..

We made really good friends with 4-5 people and to this day are still in contact* with 2 of them and another occasionally.

*well I am in contact with them as Ian and I are no longer together.

Our relationship was on the verge of imploding.. we had had several seperation periods, and he had had an affair. I tried to talk to my husband, I tried to initiate all sorts of rekindling stuff, I took more care of what I wore, how I looked, how I treated him with his moods. He worked 4 days on 4 days off and on his days off would drive 2 hours away to help a friend who had openedup a small bussiness at a beach side town and was struggling to keep up but could not yet employ anyone. meanwhile I was left at home with the 5 kids and was working also. I hardly saw him and what I did see i didn’t like very much anymore. i still loved him but not because i was in love with him .. he was the father of my kids and he also was a 17 year old habit.

I was not happy , I had been depressed and I had gained some weight(slight understatement) I was not being a good mother and felt that I had given all I was capable of.. that i had reached burn out. I wanted out. I had no support, I had no one to talk to. Except my friends online.

Anyway after some time..6 months or more ..I had started to develop strong feelings for one of the group we talked to online. A married man with one child and one on the way. My behaviour was irratic, my moods up and down. This man was listening to me , talking to me , making me laugh when all about me seemed to be falling apart. what i lacked in my marriage I got online… and it was a mutual feeling.

I spoke online one day and said i was sorry that my friendship had crossed the line .. that i felt I had slipped off the friends path and onto the lovers path with him.. his answer was of surprise .. and relief. He thought it was just him that felt that way and so never said anything. At this stage we have known each other for nearly 18mths. talked online and the phone plus through msn voice.

My marriage was over. I was going through the motions and didn’t hide anything.

The oppotunity came up for us to meet face to face. Some of the chat room folk were having a get to gether in California and although he was not from there he was visiting an uncle about the same time in that state and could swing by for a few days.

I, of course was in little old New Zealand with a family and a nearly maxed out credit card. I did some searches, found cheap fares, talked about it with the others about food and accommodation as money would be tight. I asked ian if I could go .. he said "Yes why not" ..of course it was in a sarcastic voice that meant "no" .. but I went ahead and booked the tickets. This was thursday I left the following wednesday.

Before I left Ian told me not to come back.. that this was the end. Really thats what I had been planning .. I just needed a way out. He wrote to me while I was in the States and said that he was staying in the house and keeping the children with him.. that i could find somewhere else to live. I didn’t argue and although I was torn by thought of not having the children with me , I revelled in the thought of some ME time .. and getting to know me again.

Anyway I meet my friends and spent a wonderful 2 weeks with Panz , and the 4 days that Blue was able to be there. Everything we had spoken about online, everything we had felt was true and we realised it was for real.

We finished each others thoughts , felt the same things at the same time even online or miles away. I had never thought about soulmates much but this started to go round in my head .. while at the markets one day i found some little stones with "soulmate " printed on them.. while Blue was with his Uncle he found something with the same words.. we bought them on the same day to give to each other .. without really speaking to much about soulmates previous. weird things .. maybe seen as coinsidence… we felt it was something else.

So .. we stay in touch. occasionally now* , nothing is about to happen while we both have young families. Plus the fact that he is married ( i know I know.. I don’t want to be that woman either, but my heart is his forever and for always. I am nothing more than a lady in NZ that chats occasionally.)

 *We used to speak weekly sometimes bi weekly, sometimes daily… online , phone  emails etc. but work commitments and the fact his pc blew up have changed that.

 I have since been living on my own for the last 5 years or so. I was in my 2 bedroom flat alone for 3 months before I had my daughter Allycat dropped off to me by her Dad.. then 3 months later Dino ran away and a year after that the 3 younger boys dropped off also .. without warning or consultation from Dad. Just dumped on the roadside outside my house  with 11 black rubbish bags or so of belongings.

Relationshipwise … my heart was involved with Blue.. but I needed someone here to hang out with .. I needed new friends , I needed to get out and live again.. I mainly did this in the first year of my separation .. where I got to know me again. Was able to spend time on me and what I wanted to do and not have to put the family first. Well untill they all came back that was ..  

I joined a dating site to find friends male and female.. mainly i wanted people to talk to at night .. adult company. I meet some really awesome people once I learned to weed out the rats.

The first thing I told them all was I am not interested in having a relationship all I want is someone to call on and go to the movies .. or if I’m invited to a party and I need a date. it was funny but many of the guys that I told this too agreed that that was an awesome idea .. no pressure no strings, no sex.

It worked so well that I am still in touch with 4 of the 8 finalists. heehee. The other 4 friendships went belly up when they realised that i was serious about the no relationship thing .. or they got girlfriends and I was seen as an evil predator. How could I be his friend and not want anything. How could we hang out with out sleeping together, how can I not want him for  myself.. How sad.. I lost a mate.

Of the 4 left .. I spend most of my time with one in particular.. TOH. he is a father of 4.. married once .. burnt twice.  We go on weekend trips with and without the kids. We have matching vans and go in convoy ,as between us there are 9 children .. lol mine of course are older and not always into co

ming with us now.  In recent months even this relationship has been up and down… like it needs to move on or needs to end. I’m not sure either of us have the Love feelings for each other  , but there is something there.. we click. But there are far to many irritating things with him that i just could not live with. Sheesh. a few days a week are just fine.

Thing is .. I am now at the stage where I want something else. I want … hell what do i want.

Cuddles

hand holding walks

sympathy when I have a bad day.

someone to talk to at night before i go to sleep

Someone to lavish over .. cook for .. clean for .. make stuff for.

to have some one love me , love me as much as I loved them, and to be here with me.

I want to make plans for the future.

Plan holidays , plant trees, buy furniture , plan retirement trips , save money for rainy days.

Ideally I want this with Blue

My heart still aches for my sweetheart in the States.  Can I wait another 7 years? 

 

Ohhh that was a long entry. If you made it this far .. thanks. Its something i need to get off my chest.