Heartbreaking

 I’m a shy girl.  I don’t know how to talk to a guy when I like him because I get nervous and I can’t talk around him then I blush  very badly  so everyone gets to know I like the guy so every thing gets screwed.  People pick on me a lot, I don’t know why maybe it is because its easy to pick  on me since I don’t defend myself well.  I read books to hide in my fantasy world but it doesn’t stop me from my self hate.  I’m in love with this great guy.  He is show offy and a flirt but I fell in love with him.  He is a farmer and  lives out of town and during the summer it is rare to see him since he lives so far away.  I make silly hopes for myself that I will lose weight and all of the suden become unshy but I know I can’t just become unshy in a flash and ask this guy to dance.  Even if I don’t like a guy I can’t ask him to dance or talk to him because I’m shy and I repeat myself.  I need a life.  I have two minds and they conflict wich is sad for me, for the intelligent me who is serious and knows whats true but the fantistical me says mean things and adds a lot of self critism to me which hurts my poor fragill soul.  I’m kind-hearted and easily hurt and to loyal to people who will abuse me.  I used to live in a small town and I would be isolated like I am now but it would be different because I would isolate myself without seeming to.  I went to a Junior High dance tonight.  It was 6-8 and held by some school group so a lot of 9th graders were there.  At most dances I set high goals for myself to become unshy but they never work.  I always get heart-broken like today.  I saw my love at the dance but he was dancing with many girls and I knew I wouldn’t fit in his dance group.  I watched him while my heart was breaking wondering if I could get the nerve to ask him to dance and that he would say yes, which i tought he wouldn’t say if I asked because I thought he wouldn’t want to for he would be made fun of  because I would be dancing with him and my face very red.  In my mind I see every girl he danced with and I want to be like them so the guy will like me and dance with me.   I think I’m to fat so no one likes but my other mind says people tell you you aren’t fat so you must not be fat.  It is an on going conflict that never leaves.  I mask my face well by my eyes will give anything away if you watch my emotions in them.  Then another girl came to the dance, a few weeks ago she had said the guy I’m in love with was a fairy but she danced with him and grinded which made me mad, but what can I do if I don’t ever speak to him?  I wanted to cry but I had to mask my face to a hatish type face, which, I think is one of my most common faces.  Then a friend of this girl who liked the guy told him to go dance with her.  Then when I saw, I saw one of  the sides of him that makes me love him, and I knew if a friend of mine told him I liked him a lot and to go dance with me he would but I couln’t get the nerve.  Everyone thinks this guy is hott and one of the many who do but I love him also so does that mean I should get more of a chance at him? But when I see him dancing with the girls I feel hate and heartbreak which I feel at every dance he is at that I happen to be at.  Someday maybe I will ask him to dance with me and maybe I will become unshy.  But  I’m still depressed and heartbroken…..I think I will go cry now that all of this is out.