My Mom

So, I just got done with hell week at school today. I had two paprs due and a 10 minute presentation that I had to give. I’m so glad that this week is over!! It seems like my work is never done.

In other news my doctor said that I could have the baby at any time, since I’ve passed the 34 week mark if I were to go into labor she wouldn’t stop it. I think since I heard that I’ve been freaking out. It’s all happening so fast! I can’t believe that any day now I could be a mom. I don’t think it will set in until it actually happens, but when it does I hope that I get through it alright.

In a couple of weeks I will have my baby shower, I’m super excited about it. I’m sure that there aren’t going to be many people there but I really hope that most of my close family members and friends show up. My mother-in-law and my aunt have been planning it since my mom lives in Arizona.

Speaking of my mom, there’s just a lot that’s been on my mind lately. She totally flipped out during my wedding, and I’ve pretty much gotten over that, but she said something to me the other day that really hurt me. I told her how much I weighed and she was appalled that I weighed that much, I could hear my sister in the background say "I never gained that much weight even at 9 months along" and my mom pretty much told me that I should make sure my weight was "ok" and ask my doctor about it. I didn’t think that what she said would affect me so much. But after class one day one of my classmates said that I looked "so cute", and I totally snapped on her and said "yeah right, as I waddle around…". Since that incident I’ve been feeling really self-conscious about how I look and I’ve been depressed about my weight.

I know it’s wrong to think this way because everyone else but my mom thinks that my weight is fine and that I look really great. But it’s just really difficult because I value my mom’s opinion so much, and I really look up to her and respect her. Part of me feels as if she’s just upset because she lives so far away and can’t be a big part in my life, but I just wish that she didn’t take it out on me. It seems like all her attention is on my sister Nicole and her problems and issues and while we used to talk at least twice week I hardly hear from her anymore.

I also feel as if I’m losing out, because I don’t have my mom here, I feel this sense of deep loss. I know that she cares about me and that if I needed her I could call her…but it’s just not the same. I wish she was the one planning my baby shower, I wish she was the one holding my hand through all of this, but I think that she feels the need to "let go of me". Perhaps it’s because she feels guilty for not being there, or perhaps she’s upset that I’m not making her a bigger part of my life or calling her enough…or some other reason. I just feel lost….