through closed doors.

How many times have I closed the door to you

how many times have I hid behind fake smiles

sometimes I feel like I am back in higschool…the drama, the giddiness and the fact that I feel so lonely sometimes…

now the doors that I closed so many times to so many people are hard to open, and although the friendships are there, I am excluded by default, they know I am not one to seek their company…

but I hunger for the intimate chats and the laughter and the bonds, I am sick of hiding, of excluding myself.

And I look at the ones I love, to all the ones I love, and how independent they all are, how free and how growing…I feel left behind, forgotten, childish and arrogant.

depresion has been eating at me lately.

I miss home, I feel vague and lost and stupid.

I am burning out on myself, and I am back in the past 6 years ago, in forgeign land, full of anger and hate, full of sadness and I wonder what all these years have been for.