You’re not gunna like this entry…
You know what frustrates the fuck out of me? The fact that I get tested regularly at the sexual health clinic, and I put myself out there and be vulnerable by letting out my most intimate thoughts here in my diary, and I get notes telling me to be more careful.
Now as much as I appreciate support and constructive criticism, some things don’t sit right with me.
Ummm okay. I don’t know how much more careful I can be than using condoms on the rare occasions I do actually fuck a guy in the arse.
There are tons of guys (and girls) out there inseminating the community at free-will, and yet when I let people know I’ve had an HIV scare, I’m the one who is called (however subtly) irresponsible and/or careless.
Pretty sure I’m the one who drags my arse off to the sexual health clinic once a year, even when there’s nothing wrong with me/no symptoms, and have done so for the past six years of my life. Sure, this year I went earlier than I wanted to go, for reasons most of you already know. When someone I’ve been with sexually – in any way – tells me they have contracted HIV, I sure as hell wanna know if I have it also. A million questions run through my mind – Did they give me it? Did I give them it?
Pretty sure I don’t even fuck most of the guys I get with. Guys ask me if I’m a top or a bottom and my answer to them is usually ‘Neither’. My answer is only ‘top’ because I know I’m not a ‘bottom’. The confused look on their face at my answer just annoys me further. The stereotypical answer is one or the other – not me sweetheart.
The fact of the matter is that a person who knows they are HIV+ is not going to tell you that they are. If they did, they feel they’d never get any action. The last time I had this scare, they guy did not tell me. Those of you who read me back then know how much I was freaking out when I was told by somebody else and not the direct person. I was in hysterics! This time however, my friend did the right and sensible thing, and told me as soon as he knew.
So you tell me OD’ers – the fact that millions of people that have active sex lives (girls on the pill, gays doing bareback, straight guys ‘pulling out)’ have never once had a sexual health checkup and are probably spreading every STI on the planet without even realising it, is okay with you?
That’s what this seems like.
Put yourself in my shoes for five fucking minutes. Forget the fact that I’m gay. Or, if you have issues with your own sexuality, I’ll rephrase that for you – forget the fact that I’m a faggot or a poofter. How would you feel if what has happened to me, twice need I remind you, happened to you? Huh? Huh?
I get pretty pissed off when I’m singled out for something that I feel is showing responsibility. I can honestly tell a guy what my HIV-status is because I get tested regularly. When I learn that my status may have changed, I wanna fucking know! The nurse looking at my records even praised me for my regular checkups and told me to keep at it, that she didn’t think I’d have a problem (from when I told her why I was there during the initial consultation each time I go). Even if I had returned with a + result, at least I would at least know and could tell people and act accordingly. She also asked me how my friend was coping.
My friend has now lived with the news for over a week. I feel like it has been the toughest week of his life and I’m not even in his shoes. He is so afraid of being deported from this country after all the hard work he has put it to be where he is today. I didn’t spend all Monday night text-tennis’ing with him trying to calm him down for nothing. I do care. I let him know my result yesterday. I did the responsible thing and now he can at least cross me off his list and try to track down the guy who did give it to him, and hopefully that guy at least KNOWS about his own status, because THAT my friend is what pisses me off. People who don’t even realise they are spreading STI’s. I could name a few people who should be being blasted, but not me.
When I told him I was HIV-negative, his response to me was, "Lucky you."
Lucky you.
Wow. I didn’t even know how to respond to that. His answer alone spelt out exactly how remorseful he still probably feels.
If I have anyone, anyone at ALL who has internalised or expressive homophobia reading my diary – call yourself out on it to me. I not only don’t want you reading my diary or interacting with me, but I’ll hate you back just as equally. I have every right to. And on the rare occasion I do manage to hate someone, it’s pretty fucking fire-y.
So I guess I need to end this on a positive note. If you are sexually active, please go and get yourself tested. I can’t express this enough. I initially was only going to get tested for what I was worried about. I’m glad I didn’t and had the full test done. A lot of STI’s do not even have symptoms.
I got home today, and my housemate breathed a sigh of relief, ‘Oh thank God!’
It really makes me think – about my friend I was with and my two other friends who I know who have HIV. One doesn’t know who he got it from (yet), one got it from his boyfriend who was cheating (so sad) and the third got it because he was a slut and didn’t know any better. They are amazing people in different ways. The fact that I probably have many more friends who may have an STI of any kind who don’t even realise it, is what worries me.
Thankyou to those who have given me support and have actually read my entries. Taking bits and pieces and then giving me your opinion? Thanks but no thanks.
I already told my other housemate that I’m never having sex again.
We all know that’s not true, but at least I can do the right thing and be sensible about it.
Hit me with your best shot.
I’m totally with you. The point of these diaries is not to get judged by random internet people!
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Some people are so fucking judgmental. Too bad there are so many idiots over the internet who will judge and assume untrue things- imho, people like that are pathetic. ♥
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Alot of righteous anger there towards people who should know their bodies better. I dont know you, but i respect your stance on this! People should know what’s going on with themselves, for other’s safety.
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That must be terrifying. It’s good that you take care of yourself and know what’s going on with your health. <3
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I’m sorry you got so many remarks in a negative way on this. After the first paragraph or two, I had to go check to see how I repsonded, and while I didn’t point blank blame you for it, I wanted to tell you from myside only that I wasn’t saying you’re not careful. I didn’t mean it in a negative way at all, because since I’ve been reading you for a couple months now, I have listened to you talk about precautions and how you care. So I appologize if my comment struck a cord with you. I will try to watch how I say things in the future.. And yes, I do know this wasn’t directed just at me, cuz I just read some of the other ocmments now. Once again.. I’m sorry…
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RYN: awwww thanks honey 🙂 – I’m glad you’ve blocked them! 🙂 if you ever need to talk you know where I am! I’m constantly being judged and what not…so I know how it feels! Xxx
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Being more careful would entail being acquainted with your partner enough to trust that they have been tested recently, and are disease-free. I certainly don’t always live by that rule, but it’s the ideal in my opinion.
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Muggles Matt,I think your doing the best you can to be safe..You get tested and thats about all you can do..Like that say YOLO!! Your more careful then me I have never been tested and I use anything most of the time..Muggle s suck and you just got to over look them!! NOH8
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I find it so offensive when people jump on the judge-wagon like that. FFS, go somewhere else if you don’t like what you’re reading. I can barely tolerate that sort of condescension from a friend, let alone a stranger… I admire you for taking care of yourself, and I’m glad you’re okay, and I hope that comes off as sincere and not condescending!
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I saw those first couple of notes on your previous entry and prickled a bit at them too. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with self-righteous douchebags. *hug*
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I applaud you for being pro-active in your testing and concerns, and feel that more people can do that. I have several + friends, and even with todays medicine and stuff, it still isn’t easy. Everyone should know their status, not only on HIV, but any communicable disease. Sure, there is going to be the occasional hiccup, as we can’t test everyday, but shit… Even I breathed a sigh of relief 4 u.
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xoxo
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RYN: HAHAHA touche’!! Yes, does your rent include water, electricity, internet etc??
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I wasn’t being judgemental, I was just showing concern but you can take it as judgement if you want. My best friend is gay and he has had a scare too and I gave him the exact same advice to be more careful and he is a lot more careful now. The only difference is the guy who caused his scare was his boyfriend who he found was cheating on him only when he caught something. xxx
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People are idiots. You were responsible and did the right thing.
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I know I don’t note often but I stand by you and this entry!
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*hugs* people are assholes.
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I hope my note was not one of those that came across self-righteous and insensitive. If so, I whole-heartedly apologise. Your responsibility in managing your health is applaudable; my concern as I remember it was soley in the anxiety your feel at times like this. I so hope that you are able to find a partner that enables you (for want of a better word) settle and enjoy life to its fullest. –
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You are 100% right in this. I never got tested for anything when I was young. I don’t think any of my friends did, either and a lot of them were super promiscuous. I did, later in life, have an STD scare and got tested. Turned out to be nothing (and I think the guy was just trying to freak me out for dumping him) but it was the scariest time of my life. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Evenso, I’d rather know than not.
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i can so relate to this in a diff way.. ive gotten tested..its now because i have an immune system issue from chemo and radiation (but i did b4 too) ..well i mentioned to a group of friends (while drinking..these were close friends..not casual friends really) that i was relived everything came back fine..and that every year I feel the same sense of relief when I get these test results. Well, one friend starts going off about how if i was more careful i wouldnt ‘need’ to take these tests and that she doesnt have to because she practices safe sex. I actually had to STOP her in the middle of her smug self righteous tirade to tell her that I get these tests (along with MANY others) because my immune system is screwed up and that even though I DO practice safe sex, the only SAFE sex is no sex..and that I felt she was pretty fucking ridiculous to think that getting tested was a bad idea for ANYONE who is sexually active. Just an ignorant bitch. I was so mad at her self righteous crap. She is no longer a friend really.. OH OH …AND..this same woman has 2 “accidental” children with her husband. yeah..real ‘safe’.. SO i say YAY2 us and our responsibility to ourselves and i
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AMEN! I am so glad you put this into words… <3 loved the entry no joke. People will point fingers and judge all they want. You wrote this wonderfully. People should not be able to do THINGS until they are able to DEAL WITH the consequences such as ACTUALLY going into the clinic and getting tested. It doesnt matter if you go for girls or guys or if you are a girl or guy. Get tested.
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I am glad you’re all clear!! Every day Dave leaves for work I say, “I love you. Be safe!” because what he does has risks and I care about him and that’s just my fear for him. It doesn’t imply he is irresponsible or I think he is an idiot. I imagine notes about being careful were said from a place of caring about you.
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I don’t comment often but I do still read you. I commend you for getting tested like you do. I hate that people are telling you to be more careful. You seem pretty damn careful to me. I’m a straight girl who has only been with two guys in my life. My first boyfriend when I was 16… we were both virgins. And my current boyfriend who I’ve been with for 8.5 years. He’s been around and was never tested. He never had any symptoms and he infected me with herpes. Me… who’s only been with TWO men has herpes because one of them was never tested. I totally understand and again… kudos on getting yourself checked out!
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If you’re satisfied with yourself and taking care of yourself, that’s what counts, Matt. Anyone who has a problem with it…I don’t know…my first impulse is to say ignore them, but could I? As for HIV…THANK GOD you don’t have it! I admire you so much for the way you love others and yourself, yet you never love yourself at anyone else’s expense.
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When I said THANK GOD, there was an implied “I” in front of it! If you do, I’m happy, though! 😉
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I admire someone like you who is so responsible and cares so for others. I am straight but I have fought against homophobia every time it is put in front of me and often when it is just implied. Thanks for your note. RYN: it takes some getting used to living in the states and California is a jungle. sometimes it feels good to stand out a bit. Scott
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this is *your* diary; you shouldn’t have to worry about being judged here. people are lame sometimes. I know WAY MORE slutty, unsafe heteros than I do homos. like I said, people are lame.
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