When you can’t hold a dump

I think the absolute worst thing about working by myself, on graveyards shifts, is when you gotta go.  When nature calls and you just can’t hold it any longer.  Of course, there can’t be any customers in the store when that feeling of ‘Get your ass to the bathroom or risk shitting your pants’ occurs.  If there are, I have to serve them and get them out as quickly as possible so I can go and do my business.  Of course, this is usually the time when I get the browse-every-aisle-undecisive customer in the store.  And it hits me suddenly – not a gradual realisation where I can time myself to go to the bathroom, but moreso when I realise I shouldn’t have mixed that Rocky Road slice with the chilli pie I’d consumed an hour or so earlier. 

This has happened a few times since I started working at my workplace.  I know I can’t go when there are customers in the store, and I can’t go when there are people fuelling up outside in the forecourt (hello free fuel!) because they can a) take off without paying and b) are unable to come inside TO pay as I’ve locked the door so that no customers can come inside and flog shit, whilst I’m hurling a log into the fire, so to speak 😀

Yes I’m charming, I realise this 🙂

But yes (or should that be ‘butt’ yes – *ba-boomboomtish*), not a good feeling when I’m busting to go and I’m unable to.  I can only go during a quiet period, but I can’t time when my bowel-contents are going to try to push themselves beyond the cavity of my intestine can I?  So yes, last night, as soon as I got rid of Mr customer-who-couldn’t-decide-what-cigarettes-he-wanted, I locked the door and ran to the bathroom.  That poor toilet didn’t know what hit it.  Once twas white, then not so bright 😀

When customers pull up to a bowser and lift the nozzle, an alarm goes off inside on the computer, which I then have to authorise before they can get fuel.  This is usually when I notice who it is, what type of fuel they are getting, and look to see if they are dodgy so take note of details.  When I go to the bathroom, the forecourt is usually empty.  If someone pulls up, I’ll generally hold on until they have got their fuel and are on their way, and just hope no-one else drives in in the meantime.  So when I am in the bathroom, of course, that’s when I’ll hear the alarm go off.

When I first started working there, it used to worry me.  Like I’d think ‘SHIT I have to hurry up my shit so they can get their fuel’, and I used to force my shit out as quickly as I could, wipe, flush, use the toilet brush (I ALWAYS use the toilet brush out of curteousy of using shared bathrooms anywhere I go – it’s just gross how disgusting some customers really are), pull up pants, get re-arranged, wash hands and rush to the counter (other end of the store to the bathroom) to authorise their pump.  Now, if anyone has ever had to force-rush a turd before, you’ll know it is not a comfortable experience on your asshole.  For me anyway.  It’s like the anus has just been raped or something and is trying to recover.  Thankfully it does after a while and i feel normal again, but when I’m so used to dropping the kids off at the pool at a leisurely pace, and then that happens, it doesn’t end too well. 

Nowadays I don’t care so much.  I’m like ‘They can fucking wait if they want their fuel’.  I’m there by myself, what else can I do?’  The door is locked, the alarms are going off.  i can hear them, I know people are waiting, but I don’t care.  I do a bit, but not as much.  I’ll do my business and then tend to them.  Of course, this is when I hear a second alarm, and that is the door ring which is like a long ‘BEEEEEEEEEEEP’ sound when people get under the sensor of the front door.  I hear this noise a lot during the graveyard shift, as I try to keep the door locked when no-one is around.  So I’m in the crapper, with alarms and bells going off.  Sometimes the alarms go for ages, and I hear them stop, as people think the pump isn’t working.  Sometimes I’ll hear that alarm stop and then here the ‘BEEEEEP’ as the customer is coming to yell at me because they think there’s something wrong with their pump.  Oh it’s working people – I just need to authorise it before you can get any.  There is also another noise when customers hang up their pump nozzle.  This is to let me know they are done and for security reasons.  It’s funny though because that noise scares a lot of people who are already inside the store and they look around wondering where the sound came from.  This is why when you pull up to a servo and lift the bowser nozzle, that there is no reaction from it at first – unless I’m standing right there and can authorise it right away.  At nighttime I can’t always do that – if I’m just filling drinks it’s easy for me to go up there and authorise it, but if I’m reliving that morning’s Indian, then you may have to wait a little while longer.  I mean, before I started working there, I didn’t realize that.

I can’t think of anything worse than if I happened to shit my pants at work.  Like, who would I even call?  My housemate with a car I spose, not like there’s anyone else.  I’d die of shame I think.  Lock the door and not let anyone in during my whole shift.  I’ve heard of it happening to other graveyarders at servos who didn’t quite make it.  My store can be busy, but I dunno how they’d do it at the stores that are busy all the time.  I guess you’d have to time your bathroom breaks around your work hours, like force yourself to go before you start.  I did that for a while, but you can’t force out something that’s not there.

Anyway, that’s all i wanted to say.

Good news is that we are apparently finally getting permanent rosters!  I’ll be able to actually make long-term plans, rather than having to wait week-to-week to find out what nights I’m working.  YAY!  I’ve got tonight and tomorrow night to get through, then one night off, then on Mon, Tues and Wed.  Ergh.  Full-time hours this week though – I had to cover for the other night guy last night, for some reason.  Dunno why.  Oh well, money’s good 🙂  Must attempt to get that camera on Sunday and hope that Moe’s free.  I’ll get it eventually and then when I figure the camera out I’ll make the video entry.

Thanks for all your questions guys!  I still want more though! 🙂  So bring em on!