When The Sacred Is Torn

Held – Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

I only downloaded this song because it had entered the USA Christian charts at number 20, just scraping in, and as soon as I started listening to it, I knew I’d heard it somewhere before.  That familiar feeling you get when you know you’ve heard it.  It is a beautiful song, and very different to ‘What Are You Waiting For?’  I didn’t even realise she was a Christian singer, but then again The Fray are like number 6 on the Christian music chart in the USA.  Either way she’s great, two songs I’ve heard by her and love them both.  That’s usually the good books for me.  Unlike Justin fucking Timberlake, 3 releases and they’ve all sucked ass.  Sorry if you disagree.

It’s only this week I’m doing 5 Midnight finishes.  Next week and the weeks there-on, It’ll be Midnight finishes 4 nights a week.  Tuesdays I’ll get some reprieve by doing a 4-9pm shift.  Still sucky, and yeah I still miss prime time television, but hey, someone’s gotta do it.  And I get my weekends off woo.  Only thing that’s pissing me off work-wise is the fact I KNOW I’m owed a day off for working a tues-sat shift, then a monday-friday shift, so I only had the Sunday off that week.  My manager was making up all the most pathetic excuses under the sun as to why I couldn’t have it, such as ‘when you first started nearly 5 years ago…’ yeh fucking right, as if they woulda known i was going to be owed a day five years down the track – Christ, do I really look that stupid?  only reason he’s not giving it to me, is basically, there’s no-one to cover my shift.  What a surprise.  He’s fucked the first time I happen to be sick and have to call in to say I won’t be there.  Then what’s he gunna do?

I did receive some rather sad news at work today.  A customer came in (who I used to work with at Milton FFL) and said that Phil Gonchee, who is an old store manager of mine, has cancer of the pancreas, and has around 11 months left to live.  I was like ‘holy shit!’ in front of her two kids, and apologised for saying it 🙂  FUCKING Cancer!  What DOESN’T give you cancer these days?  This manager is one of the best I ever had, and when I worked for him you could pretty much get away with blue bloody murder (as my ex-workmate put it).  I barely remember him but the more I think about him the more that comes back to me, and the more that sets in that this damn disease got a hold of him.  God I hope they find a cure soon.  Something like 8 billion people in the world, surely 1 of those can create a cure.  Same goes to show abou AIDS too I guess.  It’s such a shame.  He was a really nice manager and he taught me a lot. 

As I was doing my markdowns, my store manager was filling a display next to me and I asked him if he knew Phil well.  He came over to where I was and knelt beside me, saying he barely knew the guy, but had heard the bad news, and informed me that even when he was told he had cancer, all Phil was concerned about was that there would be therapy readily available to those who loved him most, such as his wife and kids and anyone in the company I work for, which has it’s own helpline for such matters.  My manager said that even though he doesn’t really know who he is, hearing him say that makes him wonder the type of person Phil really is.  He then added that life is short, so go out and make the most of it!

I guess that the cancer’s too far spread to be treated, especially if he’s only got 2007 to live through.  That’s terrible – I hate that, the whole ticking timebomb thing.  GOD.  Especially when you know it’s coming.  I mean eventually we’ll all pass away, but that – god.  I gotta stop thinking about this, but it shocked me more as the day progressed.  I’ve asked my manager to keep me informed as to how he’s going.  He said he will, and I’m not the only one who’s asked.

I was invited out tonight by my ex, but am still a little worried about money.  I’ve done well this week.  I counted out my small change and all and managed to buy a loaf of bread, a packet of pepperoni and a packet of cheese, to last me my lunchbreaks wednesday – friday.  I’m pretty proud of myself for that.  Now as long as somehow over this weekend, I hardly touch it, I’ll be really happy.  God I hate working my ass off and being paid shit, but then I think of all my workmates and all the others around Australia – they are earning no more than me right.  People who earn a shitload and do fuck all to get it, really shit me.  I really feel I fit the Aussie-Battler stereotype these days. 

I think I’m building a small goal though.  I never can seem to make big goals so when I think of a small one I try and grasp it.  I wanna go back to casual at my work one day.  That way, I may even be able to work two jobs, provided I get another one haha.  My mate reckons in Darwin when you want a job, you just wander in and ask.  Here, there’s friggin cover-letters and resumes and

experience.  I wish it was like that, and not so anally-retentive.  Haha I just wanted to fit that word in this entry somewhere!   The only job I’ve wandered in and asked if there were positions available, was when I first moved to Brissy, and it was an icecream place at Ashgrove.  Haha.  Unfortunately he’d just hired someone, so I was out of luck! 🙂  I think I’m gunna sell some more of my stuff on ebay soon too – that’ll help temporarily and make me feel better, provided they sell 🙂  At the moment I just keep telling myself that I have a full-time job, and friends, just no social life during the weeknights anymore hahaha.  I miss my Pancake Manor outings and fun times with friends at late nights.  All I get now is friends telling me ‘nah sorry can’t do it, it’s too late, i need sleep, uni/work in the morning.’  It’s quite depressing.  Surely in a big city like this, there must be SOME people besides me who want to hang out post-midnight?  It doesn’t make sense, where are they all?  Surely everyone doesn’t have the beauty of an 8-4 monday-friday, in bed by 11, working week?

Maybe I should spend more time in the 7-Elevens, Night Owls, and 24 hr servos, and ask the people behind the counter if they wanna hang out.

🙁