What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

I dunno what’s gunna happen.  Last night and this morning (after hanging out with my mate and some of his friends last night) have been difficult.  I couldn’t even look at my housemate while I made a cup of milo and toast around him.  Luckily he was watching something on his laptop, but it was all me.  I’d woken up and my thoughts went into immediate depression.  Especially staying up last night filling in another application for a job and feeling happy with what I’d put in, and then this morning getting an email from them saying they’ve withdrawn the position and apologising to me for the inconvenience.  
Guess I shoulda seen that coming.

I won’t be surprised if no-one reads my entries for the next few weeks.  I pretty much just need somewhere to vent this shit and this is the only place I know of.  Two of my besties keep trying to get out of me what’s wrong, and even my housemate is being nice, coming in to give me hugs every so often.  Maybe he thinks I’m angry at him.  Maybe he even reads my depression  I recluse myself a lot and whenever my housemates call me out on it, it just makes me back further into my shell.  I’m a scared little turtle.  today I’m not leaving the house because it’s not getting over 16 degrees and the weather is just depressing and raining!  it matches my mood.  But I know I need to leave to get food – dammit.  I like being warm thanks.

But, soldier on as they say.  Sure I may be unemployed with money-dwindling.  Sure I may be HIV+ when I get my results back next week.  Sure I may not be able to apply for centrelink because I still have some liquid assets.  My friend Ben said I should give my money to someone I can trust to hold onto so that Centrelink can’t track it, but I’ve never been one to be dishonest like that.  Damn being raised morally religious.  
I’m pretty much down to half the savings I have to what i had back at the end of March.  It scares me how I can spend so much in three months, when I know I’m pretty sensible with money.  It’s moreso I’ve always had the backup in case something happens to me, medically etc, and the fact I’m digging into that is terrifying me.  My next rent payment will be the first rent-rise one.  I feel like I’ve now applied for many jobs, but to no avail, and it depresses me because I’ve never really had that much trouble in the past.  Not to mention the fact I can’t even score a shit-kicker job.  If only that one I did get the interview for was in a better location.  That’s all that held me back from going for it.  I saw they re-advertised that same ad last night.

I had a thought that crossed my mind this morning that didn’t help.  That guy I went drinking with a few weeks ago, Paul.  I wondered what he was thinking as he was walking toward the Storey Bridge.  What he was thinking as he climbed up over the railing.  Did he throw himself over?  Did he let himself fall?  Either way, I wondered what finally concluded him to go through with it.  Then I pictured myself up on the railing, too wuss-y to let myself fall to my death.  Fuck I hate thoughts like that creeping into my head.

Yeah, charming thoughts hey?  I thought to myself "Maybe I do need to check myself in for depression at the doctors", but I always fight through it.  I’m just in another one of life’s fucked-up ruts and I’m trying to figure out how to get around it.  I know a job is what will help me, but even that’s getting me down.  And what happens if I do get to the stage where my savings have diminished completely?  At least then i could qualify for Centrelink I guess.  Haha.  Awesome.  Proud me at 28 having never wanted or needed social security, lining up with the housos and abbo’s in the Centrelink queue.  Yeah, sounds reaalll appealing.  Oh wait, that sounded racist.  Meh, couldn’t care less right now.  How.to.get.out.of.this.rut…. Hmmmmm.

So yeah, another exciting entry from Matt – go team!

The good thing about applying for that job is that it has determined me in some fucked-up small little way.  I finally paid for that RSA course I did months ago, and it was cheaper than it was back when I did it.  So I know have a qualified certificate for that.  I’m also considering doing the gambling one, just to add to my resume and give me some more options.  I need to re-do my first aid because that is out of date, so I need to look into that again.
I also updated my resume again into a contemporary format, and it isn’t all over the place now.  It’s now back to 2 pages from the previous 3 and original 4.
I’m also taking a chance on a Spreets offer that came in my email a few days ago.  When I first looked at it, it appealed to me, but I wasn’t sure.  I have since seen that 45 others have taken up the offer.  It is an IT course, allowing students to learn 21 different courses (from HTML, CSS and Photoshop eg) in their own time for $149.  Normally the course is $1300 so they are advertising at 90% off.   I decided to give it a go.  After I paid for it, I get this email saying I’ll get a voucher when the promotional period is over.  They do that because they can only offer the deal if a certain amount of people sign up to it.  I know they only needed 10, so I know it’s going ahead, and it doesn’t seem dodgy because it is a Yahoo7 company.  I have always wanted to create my own website for a few crazy ideas I have floating around in that fogged-up head of mine, and knowing how to properly do it would most certainly help.  The only issue is that the course is online, so I’d have to probably leave the house to use wi-fi somewhere, but at least in that case I could feel like I’m actually out studying somewhere, like if I use my laptop on a campus or the library or something.  I guess they probably make their money because people would give up on trying to learn 21 different IT courses over 12 months or however long it takes, but still, I wanna give it a go and I need to do something more productive with my time than watching repeats of Kath & Kim.  Yesterday I watched Rugrats In Paris, and Mean Girls for about the umpteeth time – oh God help me cruel world!

My music charts keep me somewhat entertained.  I’m happy I may have my very first formatted chart since I started thanks for another user on the forum.  What he suggested didn’t actually work, did after a bit of google-searching and implementing what he’d said, I figured it out for myself 🙂  Yay!  
Another friend last night messaged me asking if I deleted her from facebook.  I replied I’d deactivated it for now and that she was all good.  I’m not really missing it.  Three days cold turkey now lol.

So yes, right now life fucking blows and the depressive thoughts keep popping up.  But so does the thought that so many others have it worse off than I do and all my thoughts are pure paranoia and bullshit and I need to take this bull by the horns and steer it in the right direction.  I hope Paul is doing okay wherever he is now, if anywhere.  I’mnot seeking attention for suicidal thoughts, I know I won’t do it, but the fact these thoughts even appear in my head is just fucked up and I wish they’d go away, cos really, is doesn’t even make sense.  I want the sun to come out and my happy thoughts to at the same time.

Someone will give me a go, surely.  "What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."