Way too ordinary

I woke up around 2am this morning.  Getting better at sleeping in further toward the daylight hours.  I like to try and do that so that I can actually hang out with my friends rather than letting them down all the time.  I’m really depressed at the moment, if that isn’t half obvious.
I knew this would happen.  Even on my final shift at work, before I’d finished, I remember thinking to myself, ‘I’ve got five shifts off after working this many in a row, it’s gunna hit me like a comedown from a drug’  and yep, with each night that passes (night two having just passed), that’s what’s happening.

I went to Wet N Wild yesterday with my friend Matt.  I barely even noticed going there.  That’s how out of it I am, how lost I feel.  It’s like I exist but I don’t have a place.

I watched all of season one of ‘Raising Hope’ yesterday.  I’d never heard of it but my friend Zach gave it to me when I was over there last.  It made me smile 🙂  Probably the most thrilling thing I did all day.  Then Matt came over and we went to Wet and Wild – he picked me up and we drove down there, listening to the tunes of Melodifesten all the way there, as well as back.  Sometimes I wish I was born in Sweden – that country really seems to have everything figured out.  Matt also informed me that ‘Popular’ by Eric Saade won it, and will be the country’s chosen song to compete at Eurovision.  Yay, I love that song, and am a huge Eurovision fan.  I guess that’s on in around May or something.  Usually is.

Anyway so I’m a bit lost, trying to find my place.  It’s like I need an escape, something just drastically different.  I hear a lot of people go on trips overseas to ‘find themselves’.  Does that actually work?  I feel not knowing anyone at all in a foreign land would just make me feel even more alone than ever.

I need to find my happy place again.  I’m hanging out with friends occasionally and I really appreciate that they want to spend some of their day with me, but I don’t feel like I’m respecting them back.  I’m lost in my own thoughts most of the time.  I don’t even feel like I’m  properly living in reality.  As though time is going on, but I’m just hovering about, doing not much at all. 

My housemates are cool, although I’d hardly say we’re the best of friends.  The other two are.  I’m the odd one out.  It feels worse and worse every time I have nights off and having to cancel plans on nights my friends want to hang out, but I have to work.  Maybe all this would go away if I just threw my job in.  But then how would I survive?  I’d be okay for a while, I’ve always been good at saving, but spending money with no income coming in to replenish the bills just does my head in.  But this, whatever it is, is also doing my head in.  I feel like my friends are giving up on me, and I’m giving up on myself.  I’ve been comfort food eating, junk food, with totally offsets the gym-work I’ve been doing, but it’s my way of coping.  Walking back from the gym, thoughts of suicide seemed comforting to me.

It’s stupid, suicide thoughts, really, and of course I’ve had them many a time over the course of my life, but I remember thinking how stupid and attention seeking suicide is.  When people don’t pay attention, telling people you wanna commit suicide is pretty much the ultimate attention-grabbing way of people actually taking notice of you.  It’s selfish and DOING it is even more selfish.  I couldn’t imagine actually doing it, but the amount of times it runs through my head when I’m in a rut stage of life is crazy.  And then I feel bad for even thinking it.  What a mind-cycle.  Why can’t I just be normal?

At Wet N Wild, I only went to Calypso Beach, and then in the wave pool I felt ill from the waves throwing me around, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, so had to get out.  Then once that went away, I went on one slide, the open green one that slides it’s way down, and I actually had a lot of fun on that one.  I enjoyed the slip all the way down until the very end when I hit the water.  The first thing I noticed was water going not only up my nose but into my ears, and it was the worst drowning-like feeling ever.  I also felt my left elbow scrape the bottom of the pool.  I fumbled my way out of the pool as fast as I could, trying to breathe through my mouth.  My nose wasn’t an option.  I kept blowing it, just trying to get the water out.  ERGH, it was like when they shove that think like cotton stuff up your nose in the hospital, if anyone’s ever had that done to them.  And my ears hurt so bad.  I must’ve looked quite the sight to anyone walking by me, although I think I was alone.  Matt was behind me on the same slide, and I’d gone off away from the ride because I was embarrassed as all shit that I’d managed to injure myself on such a pissy ride.  Only after I’d finished getting the water out on my face that my head started to clear up and I noticed the huge gash on my elbow.  Blood everywhere.  Great, just fantastic.  And it was stinging like a bitch.  Matt caught up to me and before he could say anything all i said was, ‘Not good!  Not good!’ running around like a headless chook lol.  Oh that was the worst feeling.  If only I’d breathed out when landing and kept my hands behind my head rather than crossing them over my chest – that way they would have been up.

We went home after that.  We really weren’t there long.  Originally Matt’s mum wanted to come along and he asked me if that was okay.  Matt’s mum is very religious and it worried me if she came along because how the hell was I suppose to talk about hot guys?  There was one group of hot guys there, but they were the only ones, and only one of them was real eye-candy – better than none I suppose.  Everyone else was just kids, which is to be expected on a Sunday at a water park.
Didn’t get any pics as i didn’t bring a camera – bit hard to at a water park anyway.  I really wasn’t in the mood for picture taking anyway.

Matt dropped me home and I went inside and I think I showed and slept.  My new housemate showed off his new underwear to me first though, so that was nice lol.  This guy he hangs out with buys him all this nice stuff.  I said to him, ‘gee if only I was a cute 18-year old twink, I’d get free stuff too!’.  He loves it, and modelled his stuff for me.  He totally caught me staring at his body though when he was chatting to me in his room.  Embarrassing.  I made that my excuse to go have a shower and change out of my wet clothes.  Even he noticed that I hadn’t been at the water park for very long.  It was about a three to four hour trip, including the drive to the Gold Coast and back.  I guess that’s why it felt like nothing to me.  My elbow rash pretty much reminds me that I was even there.  Luckily Matt had bandages in his car and fixed me up.

Didn’t go to Fluffy last night.  I woke up at around 2am and although technically I had an hour to get there, I decided it was an 80’s theme and would probably be boring anyway.  I guess iy would’ve been something to do rather than eat food in front of my laptop all night, and that’s pretty much what I’m still doing now.

Hoping to get my phone working properly today.  Hanging out with my friend Vish in the city today and the good thing is I don’t have to go home in order to get some sleep before work.  I think I’d muuuch rather my time to myself rather than work.  Still got three more nights off, thank God.  If it was a normal weekend, I’d have to go back already.
How to get myself out of this rut I do not know, and I never know.  There’s shit I need to do, like transfer my contacts to my new phone and decide what the fuck to do with Beaver (my car) who just sits out on the street taking up space.  Everything just seems way too ordinary to be of any thrill to me.