The emotional expression of a spoon

(If you’re sick of reading this feel free to skip to the next diarist in your bookmarks – I know I would be, but I need, NEED to clear my head and this is where I do so.) 

The free-and-easy way of life is SO much easier than this!!  AGGHHH I feel like I’m going insane.  Still no text or anything from him and all I want is confirmation that everything is okay, or even not okay!  Seriously, this being expected to read somebody’s mind thing really does my head in.  I think it’s compounded by when I was chatting to a mutual friend of my crush and I, he asked if I was exclusive with him.  I had to think for a while and then realised that yeah I was.  I like him enough to be exclusive with him.  I see him on the facebook chat pictures on the side of the page but he doesn’t talk to me, and he always, ALWAYS did in the past. 

Having not been on a date, I think EVER in my life, it was a daunting experience.  I realised I truly haven’t been on a proper one.  I’ve had boyfriends, but every boyfriend I’ve had, I’ve never had to date or court or woo or whatever you wanna call it.  I actually felt I did alright with organising this.  I knew his braces condition, I thought about where we could eat to lessen his pain in eating, I even booked the restaurant, even though it was near empty when we got there, so I really didn’t need to, but I was taking precautions.  So, I actually felt out of my comfort zone even organising it!  I felt like I did well – dinner, icecream, movies, picking him up from his PARENTS house and his mum answering the door was pretty scary, although I had met her once before and she’s lovely, and paying for dinner and the movies and dropping him home afterwards.  We held hands in the cinema and kissed for a little while when he got home.  He said he hoped we could hang out sooner next time (here’s hoping THAT was true).  It all seemed to go really well, up until the kiss happened.  I don’t know if I stuffed it up by trying to use a little bit of tongue and it hurt him, or if he was just in pain, but to me it just seemed very short.  I’d turned my lights off and it was dark so I doubt he would’ve felt uncomfortable if someone was watching from the window or something.  I guess me sending a text the next morning, thanking him for the hanging out and the kiss, was too much for him?  And I wrong in thinking like I am?  Did I have bad breath from the dinner/icecream earlier on?  i really hope not 🙁  I… I want him to like me as much as I like him right now.  And, it’s just not happening, or it doesn’t feel like it.  But then again he’s given no indication that things are bad or good, but feeling like I’m being ignored isn’t a good feeling for me, especially after how happy I was having seen him on Sunday night.  I fell asleep smiling on Sunday night, and I slept during the night.  I remember waking up at 6am on Monday and I sent him the thanks text at around 8am, so he should’ve been awake by then.  But no reply?  I don’t even know if he had a good time!  I don’t even know if he’s lost all interest altogether.  I don’t even know if he’s got five or six other guys on the sidelines besides me.  Is this how serial date-ists behave (if he is one)?  …Leave their options open and don’t give any leads on where things are headed with any of the potential ‘partners’?
Then I have to keep referring to what a lot of people say about him – that’s just what he’s like.  Matt actually said he has ‘The emotional expression of a spoon’.  So why was there so much expression during the date?  Him snaking his hand to hold mine through the seat divider at the movies, his body against mine during the movie, almost like he was trying to snuggle in, and the kiss at the end of the night.

I actually think I’m doing well.   As in, outside of what I’m writing here where I’m clearly going insane in my head, I think on the outside I’m trying to remain relatively cool.  I’m not hounding him with texts or calls or emails or facebooks or whatever.  I’m not outside his house throwing pebbles at his window-sill.  He always said he has/had stalkers in his life and I most certainly am not and do not want to fit into that catagory.

The only real disasterous part of the date was my car, being absolutely covered in bird shit.  I don’t mean some bird shit, I mean they literally all went ‘One….Two….Three…. DUMP’ and all took a massive release onto my car from the trees above.  And I turned up at his parents house and drove around in that.  Maybe that’s all it took to destroy my chances.  All because no carwashes exist.  Or maybe like my friend and some of you here said, he wouldn’t have cared about that.

I’m finding myself backtracing my steps and trying to see if I majorly fucked up anywhere.  Because I’m not very good at dating.

I’m still focusing on the good time I, (we), had.  To me, it was the most serene moment I’ve felt in weeks, with so much work on and this fighting with Jeff, just those few hours with him seemed like another planet for a while.

It’s like my friend said to me, "Don’t blow it or you won’t get to blow it".  lol.

I don’t want to settle for someone less than what I think I’m worth again, as in I mean I don’t want another guy chasing me who I am clearly not attracted to whatsoever.  THAT has happened to me FAR too often and I’m the one who feels bad for not returning the feelings.  I’ve been there, done that, realised it was the worst possible situation to be in and that I will never do it again.  So, after so many years, I finally, finally meet someone whom I have feelings for, or at least could feel I could develop feelings for.  And I’m the one who feels rejected.  I just don’t know if I have the red light or the green one yet.

Where’s the happy medium?  Where’s the equal-attractiveness-guy for me?  Maybe this is like ‘She’s out of my league’ where I’m a 7 and my crush is a 9, and I need some big things in my life to push it up to even, like be a doctor or a vet or a tradie or something lol.  Because if this guy is leading me on and giving me false hope, then I think it could hurt our friendship as well.  Maybe.  But then I remember him talking about how it was weird for him to kiss his friend and I was thinking ‘but aren’t we friends?’ and he’s kissed me before.  So I hope that whole stupid rule or not getting with your friend’s wasn’t on his mind, because I see him as a friend and more than a friend, and I don’t see anything abnormal about feeling that way.

Maybe there’s a much needed, major life lesson to be learned from this. 

Or I’m still too eager too soon.  Is knowing nothing better than not knowing at all?  Part of me wants to text him and plain out ask if I’m wasting my time.  Because with each day that passes and my mind wondering what game he’s playing at, it’s driving me pretty mental.  I thought I left all the mind reading stuff out of the game back in my early 20’s.  I turn 27 this Saturday. TWENTY-SEVEN.  That’s so depressing even writing the number makes me feel ill.

I’m still trying to decide if I wanna go to Wet N Wild on Friday or Saturday.  Friday means less people will come because they have work etc.  Saturday means I’LL get no sleep whatsoever because I’m rostered on to work the night of my birthday, which is the said Saturday.  So for me, Friday would be much better.  If I think of my friends, I have to sacrifice my sleep for the sake of them, and in this day and age I’m rather sick of doing that.  I’ve done it my whole life pretty much, work myself around to fit in with everyone else.  I’m still very self-conscious about my marks on my back as the redness is still quite noticeable, so being shirtless at Wet N Wild would be very daunting for me.  And if I go on Friday it might just be my friend Matt and I going.  if I go Saturday it’ll be my other friend Matt as well cos he doesn’t have to work.  So three Matt’s at a theme park haha.  He said he’ll try to get it off, but probably won’t be able to.  That Matt wants to hang out Friday so that’d be cool cos he’s a lot of fun, and then he could drive down on the Saturday.  Hmmm, Friday or Saturday.  Saturday will also mean a lot more people, and a lot more hopefully hot guys to check out (hello, water park in the Aussie Summer!  wink wink!)

I just want an outright answer.  And it may have to come from me asking him directly if I’m wasting my time or not.

Must get through work tonight, ergh kinda over that place, it’s become like my second home the last two weeks.  Oh well three nights off after that, thankfully!  Much needed.

Oh and Jeff can still go to hell.  Thinknig about THAT isn’t helping my stress levels either.  I still wanna shove him down a flight of stairs.  WHY CAN’T THE GOD DAMN WORLD BE NORMAL!!!!!!?