Reminiscing

Held – Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Wow I am SO glad to be back! 😀

Woohoo!  I got my internet connected today.  I finished work at 10am and went home, but found it impossible to find a legal park even with my permit.  I was forced to park half in and half out of a "No Standing" zone, as there was fuck all room and I swear this massive truck at the front had been parked there for the past three days straight!  I had enough and I parked my car, after nervously standing around after getting out of my car, on the lookout for any parking officers that may be scrounging the area.  I took off quickly home and got the white pages and rang Brisbane City Council and asked the nice lady who answered if I could have some information on parking permits and restrictions, and I explained to her my situation how I can very rarely get a park around here, and whether the people already parked in the only area I’m allowed to park in are allowed to park there without a permit (because NONE of them have them).  She explained to me that yes they are allowed to park there, but they have a 2-hour limit, then they have to move on.  She asked for my address and said she’d look into it, because I haven’t seen a parking officer yet, but then again I’ve only been here a week.  I didn’t even think to mentiopn the truck that had been there for a week.

The Optus guy rocked up at 11:45am – i was told he’d arrive between 12-5pm.  So of course I was no-where ready because from past experience, they’ve usually rocked up 20 minutes before the latest time I’ve been given.  Not this time!  My housemate actually alerted me he was here, and i didn’t even realise my housemate was home because I’d just layed down to continue reading the 2nd Harry Potter book.  I probably only got to read half a page.  Haha I’m never gunna finish this book let alone the series!  Oh well give it a year 😛  Maybe when the 7th movie comes out.  So he was here, and he had to drill through the wall because the connections here aren’t the right ones apaprently.  he said one was for a TV cable.  Hmmm interesting – maybe that’s how I get reception.

I’ve got my room set up rather nicely.  I can’t believe this time two weeks ago I was talking to the landlord at the other place and being told we had to get out.  Amazing how much I’ve accomplished in two weeks!  Must say I’m quite proud of myself, even though it feels like I’ve hardly done anything!  I guess I’m that used to moving now that it’s become numb to me.  Much like a boyfriend – I think they are over-rated.

That is, except that last few days.  The last few days my thoughts have been craving affection.  It’s weirdto say my heart is because I really dunno – my brain thinks about the whole commitment thing and how nice it’d be to have someone to cuddle and to talk to about everything, but I’m never happy with the guys that are thrown my way.

Well I was happy with Luke – but i threw that away cos I couldn’t handle it at the time, and I went out to dinner with my friend Lindsay (which was great because I only had to walk a few blocks instead of busing in like I used to have to) and he mentioned that Luke’s current boyfriend has been pestering him to find a place together.

It kind of took me back.  Luke and I lived together in two different places.  It was because of unfortunate circumstances, but the second house we were together as a couple and we did everything together and saw each other pretty much all the time.  And every time I go to Lindsay and Luke’s house, Luke’s boyfriend is ALWAYS there.  Luke’s boyfriend and I acknowledge each other, like we’re friendly enough to each other, but we don’t really go out of our way to strike up a conversation.  Sometimes I try but I already know before I say  anything that it won’t go anywhere, sothe conversation dies pretty quickly.  Besides, I can’t exactly just pipe up with "So, what’s it feel like to have my ex-boyfriends cock in your ass?"

It’s weird, one of my housemates works at a video store, and brought home ‘Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" and I just finished watching it.  It really makes you think about memories and your past and stuff and how I really wouldn’t want to let go of any of my memories for the world.  And it got me back to thinking about what Luke and I had, and where we are now – pretty much just friends who say ‘hi’ every now and then by text message (unless he’s drunk and i get the phone call which he doesn’t even remember the next day), and how he moved on from me to, I presume loving, someone else who could give him what he wanted.

And then I think about the guy I dated recently, who wanted to offer me the world, but I just wasn’t attracted to him.  It totally sucks.  If only you could pick and choose pieces of personalities and looks of people and create your own ‘Sim-like’ boyfriend!  See, if I was with so

meone who had Luke’s looks and body and G’s personality and brains, then I really woulda had it all.  I guess in a way I did and I keep wondering why it was shown to me in this order during my life.  Was it to see which one I’d choose better?  Difference is, I loved Luke.  He’s the only guy I loved and I believe it to be true because he’s the one I reflect back on most.  Even G blamed Luke as the reason I wasn’t into him.  And although I disagreed at the time, he may have been right.  Only in a way though, there were more important reasons why i wasn’t into him than Luke, which he just totally pushed aside.  I kept trying to convince myself that he would be a good investment, and I still believe so, but then I keep telling myself that THAT does not buy you happiness.  I miss that I won’t be able to learn from him, and i think that’s the thing I miss most about ‘G’ because he really opened my eyes to a lot of stuff, but the looks just weren’t there.

It’s so strange how life is like this.  Even now I find it hard that I’ll find anyone who’ll better Luke, but in my heart I honestly believe there is someone out there.  I mean I didn’t even expect to meet someone like Luke, or even be seen as attractive by someone like G, so it’s amazing that these things happen when you least expect them to.

And it’s weird also, the idea of having sex with other guys, simply because of the emotional connection that was involved with Luke, although I know I can because I did with G, but it just wasn’t the same, and I haven’t found anyone since who is as into it as Luke was.  He was a real sexual person and I kinda loved it.  And now it’s like trying to fond someone who is at least AS good as he was.  Not that I’m promiscuous myself, which is probably the problem why i haven’t, but it is good to have some morals at least – damn them!

So my new housemates are taking me out clubbing on Sunday night, kind of like a ‘Welcome to the house’ kinda thing.  I’m looking forward to it but I’m also not as I haven’t been out in so long and I feel I’ll feel out of place.  It’s really nice of them to offer though, and we’ll drink here before heading out, which is good because I probably won’t be able to afford to buy much out anyway.

It’s SO good to have a decent shower again!  The shower here actually has two showerhead on either side of the wall – Ryan made sure to point out, "In case you have company" – LOL

Reason for that is I have my baby booked in for a service tomorrow.  By ‘baby’ I mean my car.  Not that I’m really into cars at all much, but because it’s been holding on for so many weeks now, getting me all moved and travelled to and from work, even though it’s sounded like it’s gunna die the whole time, I must say I’m very proud of it!  I even rubbed the dashboard on my way home today and said ‘Thanks girl’  MY GOD – how straight was that!  So yeah, my car’s a girl.  Probably the only girl I have and will have ridden for a long time 😉

I’m not looking forward to how much this bill is going to be tomorrow.  I’m expecting it to be near the grand mark.  I’m carefully working out my finances, between  the car repairs (about $1000 im guessing), my rego bill ($523) my speeding fine($100), my rent ($250) and my food, I need to stay above zero in the next few weeks.  Not only that, because I’m driving a lot further to work now, I’m wanting to take out insurance as well, but I won’t do that until my car’s all better.  So yeah, really expensive few weeks I’ve had recently, but once these are over, it’ll be good not to think of them again, and I got my tax back ($400 out of $6000 i gave the fuckers) but at least a refunds better than having to pay them.  So I’m trying to work out the due dates and stuff so I can pay each of them like a few days before they are due haha, when usually I like to pay a bill when I get it and get it out of the way.

My best friend Sam is coming to QLD over Christmas!  I can’t believe it!  But I’m also very disappointed because he reckons he won’t be able to see me! 🙁  It kinda gutted me when he told me he’d be at the gold coast, like half an hour from where I live, but because it’s a family planned holiday and every single thing is planned (all 5 or 6 themeparks) including visiting his nan "in the middle of no-where" for a day, i won’t be able to see him 🙁  it sucks because I love Sam – he’s the person who helped me be who I am today and gave me  the confidence to actually be myself.  All during school I felt I was worth less than everyone else, but he showed me I had a life too, just by being there for me over the internet until the early hours of the morning and stuff.  i thought about saying I’d come up to one of the themeparks he’s at, but I’m too paranoid thinking he may not actually wanna see me, although he really claims that’s not the case and he’d see me if he could. I dunno – I just figure if you’re gunna fly all that way you should make an effort – I know I would, and have.  Although Sam was the reason I went to Perth I guess.  I still think he’s an awesome guy, whatever the reasoning is.

What else has been happening.  Work’s good I guess – the new procedure is actually much easier and I’m always happy when I know I’ve done a good job.  Still trying to think if i wanna take on a management position – I’m really not sure if it’s worth the trouble.

So yeah a lot of reminiscing lately – and it’s been good.  Having sex dreams the past few nights hasn’t helped either.  Maybe I do need to get laid..