relationship/friendship ponderness

I’m feeling so much better today.  i knew all I needed was some sleep.  I woke up feeling refreshed and less grumpy, and I sleep so deeply sometimes that when I wake up and see Luke beside me and it makes me happy, and I cuddle up to him – although he’s asleep, I love the feel, the warmth of him you know.  Sometimes I wake him up and I don’t mean to, but he cuddles back and we are aware of our emotion together, if that makes any sense.

Work was pretty good today.  Dan S brought up a topic of me having a girlfriend previously, and proceded to joke that i was actually straight.  I joked to him that girls have no chance compared to guys.  Another gay guy, Neville, was in the room at another table, overheard my comment and looked at me and smiled.  He’s a really cool, easy-going guy, he’s probably in his 40’s maybe, and works in the deli with Naomi.  He was talking to Dan E****, who is this really cute guy who works in seafood, and i had a major crush on when i first started there – i swear the pants Dan wears are so…i dunno tempting i guess, and the way he walks is so elegant, sometimes i really do wonder, i really do, but i’ve also seen him shopping in the store with his girlfriend.  Lucky her i say! lol!

I only had to work 2 and a half days this week, now i have 4 days off.  That’s not gunna happen very often so i’d better enjoy this while it lasts.  I was gunna head off to AGMF in toowoomba, but looked at my budget and really don’t think I should.  I topped the car up with fuel just incase, but Lukey’s only working a few hours tomorrow morning so we’re gunna go and see ‘the ring 2’ together.  “The Ring” freaked the living shit outta me when I saw it a few years ago, and although I know i’m gunna be freaking out watching ‘the ring 2’ tomorrow, I still wanna know what happens, cos the first one was actually really good i thought.  Might be clinging to Luke the whole time, liek I was clinging to Dan (my first bf) when he tricked me into seeing ‘the ring’.  I’m glad they’ve made a sequel, and I really need to relax a bit i think, but horror movies really have an effect on me.  Like life can seem so dull sometimes, but horror movies can make me so scared to walk outside after the movie’s finished haha.

I dunno i might go to AGMF.  I’ll miss the big rock show if i don’t go tomorrow and my friend John has offered me a place to stay, and i know i’ll be bored shitless spending 4 days off in Brisbane, but i know i’d be twice as bored in Toowoomba haha.  I’ve been to AGMF the last 4 years, so maybe I’ll give it a miss this year.  I need to complete my First Aid booklet anyway and need to stop procrastinating and get it done, and I get to see Luke more anyway, despite him working every day.  He’s working the next 7 days straight, poor guy, works good friday, easter saturday, sunday and monday and 3 days after that.  He doesn’t mind though, he really needs the money, and he’s eating so much healthier nowadays, having cut added-sugar completely out of his everyday meals, and he still runs to and from work most days – his body looks amazing because of it and i think he’s quite proud of how he presents himself, and so he should!  I mean it was his looks that attracted me in the first place.  beats me why he liked me in return 🙂

That 40 zone on beams rd is really pissing me off I tell ya, the roadworks wont be completed until around about June.  The cops sit on that road and catch the driver’s like flies.  They make a fortune, people doing 60 through a road that’s completely safe to do 60 on, yet they’ve stuck up a 40 road sign and people are paying the price.  I was warned about it from Neville at work, so i always stick to 40 along that stretch, despite how bad i feel about the cars building up behind me.  But i figure hey i might be holding you up, but at least I’m saving you around about $130 and 3 points in fines.

haha i just saw an Ad on tv for ‘the ring 2’ and it sent a shiver through my spine.  Gee my feelings and nerves are so strange.  I get nervous when i shouldn’t and i don’t feel a thing when others are afraid, it’s so strange, i don’t even understand myself sometimes!  My friend rang luke’s phone when he was in the shower so i answered and we were talking and he reckons that ‘the ring 2’ sucks.  But he’s weird, he said ‘the manchurian candidate’ was good when im convinced it’s the worst movie i’ve ever seen (sorry to those who liked it haha)

I’m going to the movies next Tuesday with my friend James.  He’s so cool, only 17 but more mature than his years, well sometimes.  He rings me every so often just to chat, and I like talking to him.  I joke around with him that he’s a slut and he just agrees, even though he really isnt haha, but he could be if he really wanted to, he’s got the confidence and the looks, but i know that’s not him, he get’s emotional when the love butterflies get in his stomach i guess.  I’m glad i’m friends with him, and I haven’t seen him in AGES.  I met up with him once in the city and another time at the movies with 2 other friends, and thats where i met my friend Matt’s boyfriend (at the time) Yuie, who is now a really good friend (he helped me and luke move house and is always encouraging).  He’s the only black friend i have, and a great one at that.  Jame’s is bringing his friend Laura along, and she’s cool, although she was a little drunk last time i saw her hahahha.

I’m gradually figuring out more and more about Open Diary now that I’m using it more.  It’s great not having any ad’s pop up anymore! 

Favourite song at the moment would have to be either ‘get back’ by Ludacris or ‘fallig stars’ by Cabin Crew.  Dan and I were singing ‘get back’ to each other all dya at work, it was so funny ‘…i got a whole bunch of shit that i aint tryna reveal, get back motherf**ker, you don’t know me like that…’ really catchy!

I think Mick’s trying so hard to be friends with me.  I just get so paranoid you know that he’s trying to be more than that, cos that’s not what i want.  Luke has the qualities I need in a relationship, and Mick has the qualities i can see in a friendship, but nothing more.  Even if I was single I couldn’t go back to him.  It’s nothing about him personally, he’s got heapsa guys who are after him, but no.  Besides he’s a smoker, and i always told myself I would never date a smoker.  But i did date him for a while and i knew he smoked.  But no more, i stick to my guns now.  I really wish Mick all the best in the future with meeting the guy of his dreams, and I’m sure he will, he’s a great speaker and has a high libido, so he’ll definitely have no problem.  I feel bad sometimes for him about how he still has feelings for me, because I can’t say anything in return that’s going to be what he wants to hear.  The truth is we had our fun, and we can never step above the level of friendship.  I’m going to talk to Mick, i’m mature enough and old enough to live my own life, and even Luke told me that i’m old enough to do what i want, and yeah he’s right, i don’t wanna smother the guy.  He’s the best, and I still can’t beleive I met him.

I’ve been thinking rec

ently how different a straight relationship is to a gay relationship.  A straight relationship is based on love, honestly, trust, respect and true feelings for each other.  Somehow a gay one is different, in the way that sex plays a large part.  If the sex is bad, then it reflects on everything else in the relationship.  I know that might sound bad to a lot of you, but it’s true.  Love seems to be a lot harder to find in a gay relationship, and its probably because everything else that comes in a straight relationship seems to come second to the sex part, and even after 3 months I still haven’t said those 3 words to Lukey.  He said to me to say it when i’m ready, and that’s exactly what i’m going to do.  Who knows where he and I will be in a few months time.  I don’t wanna stuff it up with him, and if I do, at least I’ll know I tried my best.  if he gets sick of me, so be it.  Luke could very well be a lifelong friend if we play our cards right outside of our relationship, if that ever happens.

I’ve ordered Billy Gilman’s new album from Amazon.com.  I can’t WAIT for it, seriously, he’s my favourite singer in the world, and i’ve been a member of his fansite for nearly 4 years now.  I was the first Aussie to join the site and couldn’t beleive it, and nowadays there are around about 20 or 30 aussies there.  I even met someone from the site from the USA, and they were the nicest people!!  I reflect back on things like that and am amazed how life really works.  Now she’s talking about doing university in Australia!  How awesome of an experience for her would that be?  A lot of the people on the site don’t know i’m gay, and it’s probably better that way.  My best friend Sam got kicked off the site cos of his ‘openness’ haha, okay maybe he was a little ‘too’ open.  I’m purely there as a fan of Billy, not because i think the guy’s hot haha, unlike Sam’s reason, but he loves his music too, and got his boyfriend hooked on it too.

At Sunday Night Live last Sunday, Jo gave me a Christmas present she got from South America for me.  one was a book called ‘the ragamuffin gospel’ – it seems interesting, i’ve only read one chapter cos i’ve been such a lazy shit lately but i learnt something from that chapter.  i always thought faith was only the belief that god exists, but it’s more importantly the grace that God gives back to us.  Jo said it’s really good, and i’m sure it probably is.  I really wanna get this first aid stuff over with though.  I have no idea how much the course is gunna cost me hey, it says on the form the invoice is enclosed, but i swear i can’t find it anywhere.  i guess I’ll have to ask joy at wokr next week.  Jo also gave me five finger-puppets, of different animals from South America, inluding a llama – they are so cute.  I was wearing them waving them around when a guy at church named Sam (who is in a ska band called ‘half way out’ – who in fact i found out are playing after ‘Planetshakers’ play at AGMF on the weekend, so that will be massive publicity for them) and he gave me a weird look. hahaha, i miss the way Sam and i used to be such close friends, but he and i just went our own ways i guess.  His faith is amazing, and i feel weird using the word ‘faith’ now that i’ve learnt a new meaning of the word, and my faith is often restricted, mainly because of my ‘alternative lifestyle’.  ‘the ragamuffin gospel’ really is encouraging though, stating that God loves everyone equally, whether the person is an absolute saint or the worst satanist worshipper.  I keep dismissing that when i really shouldn’t.

Luke finally got rid of that car in the drivway, that he decided he didn’t want.  It came as good timing cos it was really starting to get to me, and i hated having to park my car outside and walk in, but i knew i had to, and guess i didn’t mind as Lukey didnt have a choice but park the other car inside as the drivers side window wouldn’t wind up.  It’s had a towel stuck in it the past 2 weeks to prevent the rain from entering the car. haha, i really need to wash that that towel.

I trying to decide if i wanna go to the 3rd Kylie show.  Tickets go on sale soon and i’m sure they’ll sell out as quickly as the first 2 shows did.  The pricing isn’t too bad, and i really would like to see her live, even if it’s just a silver ticket, but that’d be all i needed, IF i could even get one.   I guess i’ll find that out hey! 🙂  Luke hates kylie so he wouldn’t go with me, but I’d be happy going to that by myself I reckon – it’d be funny seeing all the screaming queens at the concert though.  My first bf Dan reckons the amount of gay guys at the Cher concert was absolutely unreal. hahaha, i can imagine!!  I was talking to Lukey about going to the Avril Lavigne concert, but i’m really not sure how good she would be live, she might be good, but i have this one song of her live and she doesnt really sound that good, but still Luke and I both like her music, but when i checked it said she was only playing in Melbourne, Sydney and Perth, but i’m sure i read somewhere that she’s playing in Brisbane.  Ah well maybe they’ll update it later.  I hope so.  This has been a long entry, but i guess I just had a lot to say, and i feel so much better for getting it off my mind.  I have no idea what i’ll be doing tomorrow, whether i’ll go to toowoomba or not, but i probably won’t so that i can go to the movies with Lukey, maybe we’ll have sex in the cinema and get kicked out hahaha – i have friends who have done that.  i’m just joking, but hey if luke’s up for it, why not?  It’s not like i haven’t done it before.

It was funny this morning, i was talking to Luke about how i had to go back to the doctor for my 3rd Hep B vaccination, but they hadn’t rung yet and i was saying to luke ‘gee it must be someday soon.’  As soon as i had finished talking about it, my phone rang and Luke looked at the number and didnt recognise it, so i answered, and it was the doctor reminding me about my 3rd injection!  How weird is that!!!  Then i started thinking maybe we are all somewhat pyschic at times.  Luke and i agreed that was freaky, and i still think that it was unreal now.  My appointment iss next Tuesday morning before work, and after that one i wont have to get any more injections! woohoo!  And i’ll feel much better about myself being completely vaccinated.  It’s not a cure for anything i could potentially catch sexually, but at least it’s comforting knowing that if i do ever get something, it can be prevented, something like that anyway.  I wonder if my friend Scott got a call, cos his appointment was one week before mine was 9 months ago now.  I did it purely for the fact that Scott wasn’t alone when he was doing it, being the nice person I am. haha.  Love you all, thanks for reading if you’re still with me haha! 🙂

-Matt