Loser in my 20’s

I hope this will pass. 

I’m a little scared at the level of depression I stooped to today.  Pretty much the whole day was spent compounding since the phone call.  I walked to gym and was there before I knew it because my mind was just in overdrive.
"You’re hopeless."
"You’re useless."
"Why bother"

The only bit of reprieve I had was when I was at a cafe sitting down and I saw a Youtube video had been uploaded and I’d participated in via sending images to the guy who does it – not that they were used either – prob cos they were just not good quality enough – but yeah just another disappointment to add to the compounding of my brain.  I ate my food cos I thought it might make me feel a bit better and give me some energy for the gym.  It was dry and lame.
I watched the video and messed around on my phone while I waited for the food to digest.  I didn’t want a stitch happening.

I’m once again in tears, writing this.  I literally just had to grab my cardigan to wipe tears from the keyboard.

So I went to gym.  Some macho looking guy was there doing 120kg squats on the smith machine.  Fuck that!  I can barely push 60 when I’m laying down let alone squats!  He did sound like he was constipated beyond belief though, with the amount of grunting going on.  He had a relatively cute face for a muscle-mary though, so that was surprising.

Naturally, the gym was tough.  Struggled a bit but I’ve had worse.  It really does help when my mindset is clear, which it clearly is not at this point in time.

I finished at gym and walked over to South Brisbane, which I do on occasion.  It was a beautiful day outside – 29 degrees according to a picture someone had posted on facey.  Only a few clouds in the distance.  My mood was a different temperature altogether.

Another email came through, to my gmail account.  Usually those ones are more important than the spam-infested shit I get in the one I’ve had since I was 16.  Another job-rejection, surprisingly from one I’d applied for well over a month ago.  I immediately realised that was 3 in 2 days.  Wow go Matt!  Yeah, that made me feel sooo much better.

I got a haircut though.  I noticed a salon down a side-street and was brave enough to walk in.  it looked a bit like someones garage almost, but it had the whole setup inside.  There was one guy in there and one girl cutting his hair.  I asked if there were any appointments available.  She told me to take a seat, so I did on the opposite side.

She finished up in no time.

I was still in my gym singlet so I got my shirt out and put it on over the top.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  Clearly i didn’t get a good night’s rest last night, after Sean asking me that massive favour and Vish coming over until about 3am and us watching Margaret Cho.  Egh.  I woke up at 9am, knowing I’d only had 6 hours sleep.  I need at least 7 or 8, ideally.  Too much shit going on.  I noticed the pimple on the side of my nose still hasn’t fucked off.  I also saw the longish hair jutting out at the back, which was the reason I was there – it had to go.  I wanted to look somewhat respectable.  I can’t believe I even went to that interview with my hair that long.

She was a young girl – very talkative but yet quite strange also.  She reminded me of one of those…actually I don’t even know how to answer that.  She was nice though and got straight to cutting my hair.  Didn’t wash it at all.  In fact I couldn’t even see a basin in the salon lol.

I had a feeling I wasn’t gunna like the haircut.  And I was right.  My fringe is now on an angle to the right so I pretty much need to have my hair brushed to that side or else I’m gunna look like a fuckwit, and she didn’t tidy up the sides AT ALL.  She did spend a while on the back and I got her to completely get rid of the length there.  I was happy with the back.  Not that anyone’s gunna see that unless I’m going down on them 🙂

I just went with it.  $30 later.  Cripes.  For a bad haircut?  I just went with it.  At least the length was gone, which was the main thing, and I don’t have to worry about turning into an 80’s rockband singer for the next few months at least.

It was nice walking around West End.  It’s a suburb I’m not really used to.  A thought crossed my mind that I should check myself in for depression.  Another thought crossed that out cos that would make me feel even more useless.

I got some food on the way home – pretty much comfort food although it’s not entirely unhealthy.  Food like that would prob make me feel even worse.

When I got home, A said hey to me, really cheerfully like he does.  He told me he got paid for 5  hours work he didn’t have to show up for today.  I said fakely, "Awesome" as I threw my gym-bag and grocery bag on the bed in my room.  He asked me if I’d heard about the job.  I told him I didn’t get it.  He goes, "Awwww!  So that’s why you’re not happy?"
I said, "I just wanna be alone."
He said, "Ok then", and got out of my room really fast.  He was nice though and asked if I wanted a hug.  I declined and locked myself in my room to wallow – and now I’ve just written this to remind me when I’m older of how much a loser I was in my 20’s.