life’s intriguing sometimes

I’m actually in the dumbest mood right now.  I guess I’m kinda mad at myself.  Why do so many guys have to hit on me?!  I just had a guy who i spoke to last night on the phone tell me he feels like he’s known me for ages and keeps wanting me to send more pics of me – he even saw me one night at The Beat but because I was with Micheal he didn’t come up and talk to me.  I mean, why?  I tell everyone that i’m seeing Micheal, so why do they still think they have a chance?  I don’t mean that in a mean way, it just doesn’t make sense.  And it’s ironic how this only ever happens when you’re seeing someone haha, typical. 🙂  But it’s all cool, it’s just weird having like 6 or 7 guys hit on you in less than a month.  I often think to myself i’m so glad i’m not like a lot of other gay guys out there, you know the one’s who go out every night and become sluts because they’ve slept with everyone – I mean gee it’s dumb, and too dangerous anyway, who wants to contract aids when it can be easily avoided in that respect.  Micheal’s very ademant (sp?) about sex because he lost on of his close friends to AIDS a while back, and he still thinks about him every single day – it’s quite sad really.- Not that Micheal and I have slept together yet or anything, if this is gunna work between us as much as we both want it to, then that has to wait untilk the right time – grr there’s just so many horny guys out there trying to tempt me, but they are barking up the wrong tree!  It’s kinda frustrating.  I never thought of myself as good-looking growing up – I never really had to because it’s not like I was trying to impress the ladies so to speak haha eww lol, but so many people have said it to me, and im surprised how many have just come out and said it – maybe because i’m easy to talk to?  I mean i’d be way too shy to tell a guy i thought he was good looking if I barely knew him ya know.  Seems to happen to me – maybe once again they are just horny guys.  I’ve gotta stop being so nice too, because I don’t like to hurt people, i mean sometimes it all gets too much so i blurt out something i don’t mean – like i used to be really horrible to my ex because I felt it was the only way i could get him to get over me because he was in love with me.  I felt horrible doing it, but I felt it needed to be done ya know?  I sorted things out with Mark (my ex) today, we had a good chat during our lunchbreak (because we work together) and i apologised for being mean to him earlier that day – sometimes I forget how much he really cares about me, and it took me a while to realise the difference of whether he was over me, or whether he just genuinely cared – its the latter now, but geesh it took ages.  I don’t even like it when he brings up our past relationship because it was so bad.  The only thing good about it was the sex, it was amazing, but the thing that stuffed it up was there was no real emotion involved, no real mutual feelings, i kidded myself so it ended up just being what it was, sex – like even when we broke up, we knew we missed it, but when you break up with someone you don’t keep sleeping with them.  We actually did that for a while but it was really killing me emotionally and felt i had to be mean to him to make him get over me.  Sorry i backtracked a little there, this was like 9 months ago now by the way so we’re way over each other now, its just even know whenever he flirts with me, I get annoyed with him, and then all these other guys do, but I know they are only after one thing, or maybe they arent, but they KNOW i’m seeing Micheal!

I had a pretty good day at work, i got my iceblock plannogram completed and it didnt take as long as i thought it would, so i had some time to fix up some crap aorund the store in my section, which is weird because im always rushing around trying to do everything – sometimes mark starts to talk to me, but then sees how stressed i am and leaves me alone until i calm down again haha, so yeah he does still care.  It’s just that because i couldn’t love him like he loved me, I feel reallt weird in that situation.  he knows im seeing Micheal and he says he has nothing against Mick, just the weird way he’s been treating me is what gets to him, he thinks i deserve better.  But Mick and I talked about that, so I’m doing a lot better than I previously had been.

My parents are coming to Brissy this weekend to Synod.  Synod is the Lutheran Church’s AGM they have every few years.  My parents were ringing me asking if I knew any hotels, and i told them eight-mile-plains was probably their best option as it’s close to rochedale, the suburb where the AGM is being held this year.  I don’t know if I’ll see them, i’m sure they’ll contact me and want me to see them, but things are always slightly awkward every time i see them these days, ever since i came out to them.  It’s like they know i’m gay but they don’t wanna talk about it, and I’m always talking about Micheal to mum, and she’s always like ‘oh, ah yeah, okay’ like she doesn’t know how to respond to the fact im dating another guy.  They are so living in the 90’s still lol.

I’m actually waiting for Micheal to call, i hope he does – i’ve felt bad ever since we didnt talk for 3 days, which i found out was because we were both ‘testing’ each other until it got the better of him and he called me at work Tuesday morning 🙂 I just get paranoid about how he really feels for me sometimes, not being able to see him just really plays with your mind about whether they think about you or not – it’s really…i dunno, i need to invent a word to describe it.

There’s a pride day in the city on saturday apparently, i’ve never been to a pride day before but my assistant boss was teasing me about it today at work saying ‘you’ll be there front row centre i can see it now’ haha, smart ass :P.  i went to Big Gay Day a while ago, but that was different, that was a gay fun music festival, wheras this is a street parade by the sounds of it haha – yeah i can so see my dressing up in pink fluffy bunny ears and waddling my ass up the main street of Brisbane…NOT! lol

It’s funny cos as I arrived at work this morning, mark answered the door to let me in and he made some sort of smart-ass comment and i shoulder barged him and he said ‘gee for a gay man you sure hurt!’ and i jokigly got up him saying ‘don’t ever call me a MAN again’ lol -inside gay joke if u didnt get it already.  Apparently Irene (the customer service manager) asked mark ‘did you and matt used to date?’ – i mean i could’ve hit her – DUH! WHERE has she been HIDING all her life – that’s OLD news! lol

So yeah one more work day this week, this weeks actually gone by really quickly, it’s good – im not sure what i want to do on the weekend yet, might go see the parents i guess, i probably should, its not like i hate them or anything, i just don’t like being given bible verses saying im doing to hell lol, im waaaay over all that, as if i havent read it all myself, I know where I am with God and I still have a healthy relationship with him, glad i do, i don’t know where i’d be if I’d lost my faith through my down times.

I’m thinking of visiting my best friend Aaron.  Aaron’s like the truest friend I could have ever asked for.  The day i told him i was ga

y i was bawling my eyes out and everything, i was SO scared that i was going to lose him because he wouldn’t approve of it.  I’ll never forget what he did when i told him.  You see, i was too nervous to say it, i couldn’t actually form the words into a sentence, so he suggested i write it down, so i did – he spent the next 10 minutes trying to pry that piece of paper out of my hand hahaha.  When he finally did, i turned the other day on the mattress and covered my ears, i was shaking so much, id never been more scared in my entire life than i had been at that moment.  I heard him unfold the piece of paper, and a moment later, fold it back up again.  The next thing I knew he’d laid on the mattress beside me and gave me a big hug.

I turned over and looked him in the eye and he said ‘i had no idea’ haha.  Since then, we grew really close.  He’s totally straight and for a while there he was questioning his sexuality, and it doent help that he’s drop-dead gorgeous either haha – i always tell him that, and he knows I think he’s gorgeous but nothing can ever happen.  he’s really happy i’m with Micheal, yet he’s depressed he hasn’t got a girlfriend.  I really don’t know how not, he’s got a heart of gold and looks to die for – i guess he’s waiting for the right one.  I love him with all my heart.  He’s the entire and only reason I moved here to Brisbane in the first place, to be closer to him, and without him I never would have had the experiences or the courage I have today.  I remember once i was depressed about myself and he was encouraging saying he thought i was good-looking and stuff and he said ‘we’re all inadequate in our own eyes.’ I never forget that saying now, i get down and  think of him and what he said and it’s so true – others may think the world of you, but its how to handle yourself when you’re down that matters.  He also once said to me the sweetest thing in the world.  he said to me, “If you were a girl, you’d be the world’s most perfect girlfriend.’ – what a friend.

Anyway that’s enough for me tonight, I’ll leave on a high 🙂 love you all!

-Matt