just some thoughts

I have that many different thoughts in my mind these days I’m not sure what’s real and what isn’t anymore!  Work is so…well I dunno but it’s not the best feeling, I really just wanna get out someday soon, I just don’t have the guts.  I mean i did it once before when i moved here so maybe i’ll do it around the same time again.  But I don’t know if i’d wanna transfer or quit altogether and work somewhere else – or whether i’d stay there.  I guess it all depends on what it’ll be like when my boss comes back (the one who was attacked a while back).

I feel like going out tonight, but as usual I have no-one to go out with.  It’s so depressing.  I mean I do go out by myself a lot, but when I do I usually get myself into trouble or something.  I don’t usually have a boring night – maybe to start with but I just love the music and really get into it.  Maybe that’s what I need.  Or maybe i’ll just stay here and have a boring night in.  All my housemates are out somewhere lol, but i know they’d be in places i’d find incredibly boring. 

The Australian Gospel Music Festival (http://www.agmf.com.au) is on next weekend in Toowoomba – i’m really looking forward to it.  I’m gunna have to spend it with some girls I know, and it’ll be the first time since i came out to them so that’ll be interesting.  I just don’t want to be bored shitless and i’m going for the entire 3 days this time!  Hopefully it’ll be fun.  One of my housemates is actually singing on Saturday night in a half-hour gig – she’s quite an amazing singer/songwriter actually.  I’m really looking forward to seeing Rebecca St James, The Lads, Antiskeptic, Sounds Like Chicken, Half Way Out and Guy and Paulini.  I hope my best friend goes up for it – he did 2 years ago but i missed him.  I’ll have to talk to his mum about it or something, maybe she’s taking a group up this year or something.

It’s only 15 days until I get on my flight to Perth!  I’m nervous yet excited about the flight because I’ve never been on one!  Always a first time for everything I guess 🙂  I feel I need to go to Perth for not only a holiday, but to get away from everything here in Brisbane – all the bad things and the confusing things I don’t wanna deal with.  And I’m dying to meet my friend Sam.  He’s gunna get the biggest hug in the world when I meet him.  It’s like it’s a dream coming true – to be meeting the internet friend who’s helped you through absolutely every single thing in your life; who has been like a mentor to me.

Of course the major thing in my life, I’ll admit, is Micheal.  I still don’t know how he feels about me or even if he still likes me.  I just don’t get why he asked me out in the first place if it’s not what he wants.  I really just want to be there for him as a really close friend if he doesnt want anything further.  He’s really the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.  I love hearing him talk and seeing him smile, and I still think about him all the time, even though we’re not going out anymore.  It’s like he’s become a big part of my life in such a little amount of time.  I hope we get to hang out more.

I think I’ve been gaining a bit more of my faith back lately, which is a really good thing.  Because I’ve been scared I’ve been praying more, and noticing if anything happens.  Stuff usually does and I thank God for it, and the inner feeling is awesome.  At least I have someone to turn to when I’m at the lowest or lows (which i was on Tuesday/Wednesday) and it’s so good.  Ever since I knew I was gay though my faith has been lower because I felt I let God down – but later on realised he’s still right beside me helping me through this, despite what the hypocrits say.  And they wonder why ppl leave the church lol.  I have nothing against people who don’t believe in God or people who are of another religion, sometimes I feel i don’t blame them for their decision – it’d be easier that way! hehe.  But yeh when you’ve been raised like I have and seen the stuff I have, I have my reasons.  It’s a touchy topic though hey.  And if you mix the two like i have in my life (not of my choice- homosexuality and religion) – you should see the sparks fly lol.

I’m trying to be a better friend to the friends I have.  There’s no point in keeping to myself all the time, as much as an independant as I like to be at times, I’ve gotta make more of an effort and I want my friends to realise that if there’s ever ANYTHING they need in life, that I’ll be there for them.  All it takes is a phone call or an sms and I’ll do what I can to be the friend i should be.