I’ll Be A Happy Camper

When You Say Nothing At All – Ronan Keating

It’s amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don’t say a thing

[CHORUS:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There’s a truth
In your eyes
Saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You’ll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
(The crowd)
Try as they may
They can never define
What’s been said
Between your
Heart and mine

[Repeat chorus twice]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let’s me know
That you need me

[Repeat chorus]

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let’s me know
That you need me

(You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all)

(note: I also puit this entry in myspace, just to see what sort of a reaction i get… if bad i guess it’ll be the last time)

If we weren’t in a Howard government, and I had a boy I loved, this song would be shortlisted to be played at my wedding.  Unreal.  I know it’s an older song now, few years, but they’ve recently added it to the playlist at work, so I’ve been hearing it a lot, and each time it comes on, I get excited.  I get happy listening to the beautiful lyrics, and how I really want to have that connection with someone I love.  You see, lately I’ve been thinking for me to love someone, I’ve gotta allow myself to.  To not hold back, and to completely give myself to someone, who I know I’m in love with.  Sure, it may end in heartbreak, but you’ve gotta take that chance.  Love is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly, and if you’re gunna waddle into the water, you’ve gotta be ready to take the whole plunge…  How beautiful – I just had an image of coming up out of the water, in an embrace with a really beautiful guy, us both laughing, enjoying each other’s company.  Whether we’re in love I don’t know, but I believe moments like that are very special, and can give you an answer sooner than you think. 

"But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd" – I’ve heard a few of my friends use this term in describing how they like a guy – when they talk to them in a crowded room, their voice is the only voice they hear, no matter how loud or crazy the atmosphere may be around them.  I believe when that’s happening with a guy (or a girl – gotta include you breeders out there :P), you’ve got something very special going on.  Someone who can really hold your attention, catch your gaze, and make butterflies dance around your heart.

Over my life and the few relationships I’ve had (with one girl and however many guys lol, nah just kidding, three guys), I’ve learnt a lot about myself and where love can fit into my relationships.  I’m one who can’t say ‘I love you’ in the first week or so of meeting (as SO many guys seem to do).  It takes me a hell of a long time, I’m talking months or maybe a year.  I can’t just fall in love at first sight, as our dear Kylie puts it.  I mean, maybe I can, maybe I just haven’t met that person that’s made my mouth drop to the floor and my heart pulsate from my chest at first glance.  Maybe it’s true the saying that there’s so such thing as love at first sight.  I prefer to take on Pat Bennetar’s version of, Love is a battlefield.  Especially gay love.  There seems to be so many reasons why gay relationships seem as fucked as they are in today’s society.  For a start, it doesn’t help that a same-sex relationship is classified under Australian law as illegal.  That’s always amazed me.  How love can be justified by a law!?  Just cos a couple have two dicks or two vaginas should not mean they cannot have the same rights as straight couples.  The pieces of the puzzle just fit together a little more uniquely, let’s say! 

So, before I can even think about loving another person of the same sex, I think ‘What’s the point?  What do I have to show for it?’ – As far as a political view on it is concerned, I’m just a guy who likes to either take or shove a cock in another guy’s arse.  It’s purely sex to them.  And for a lot of gay men it is just that.  That’s just the way they choose to live their lives, but to me, being Christian (and I’ll get to that in a minute) I take on Stacie Orrico’s point of view and wonder to myself, ‘There’s gotta be more to life’…

I’m not living my life complaining about this just for myself.  I believe in a world full of 7 billion people(aroundabouts, purely hypathetical example here anyway), where apparently 1 in 5 people (although I hear these days it’s 1 in 4 because it’s gradually becoming more accepted in developed countries) are gay – so let’s see that’s one-fifth of 7 billion – that’s approx 1.4 billion gay people out there.  It is inevitable that some of those are going to meet and form and incredible, unbreakable bond, that they would like to express to the world, not only in public holding hands and kissing, but in joint bank-accounts and marriage registries and first home-loan grants, under the prefix name’s Mr. and Mr. or Mrs. and Mrs.

I think we’ve come a hell of a long way from the hanging of gays in the earlier Centuries just for being who they felt they were meant to be.  For a lot of us, being gay is a lifestyle.  We’re on a neverending search, for something, but we’re not quite sure what, or where we should be or who we should be with, because society tells us that who we are attracted to, is wrong.  So we hook up with as many guys (or girl’s) as possible, hoping to find an emotional connection through the physical, with at least one of them.  Or, when

we’re young, we just like to fuck – When you got it, flaunt it.  No strings, it’s who you are, You both want it, go for it.  As long as no-one’s getting hurt or one guy’s (or girl’s) wanting more than the other person does, why should it be an issue??  But eventually, most of us… want something a little more comforting, close to home.

I know I’m not the only gay guy who has written an article or a blog or a statement, somewhere in this great world of ours, bitching about inequality of homosexual rights.  In fact, without even being sure, I can guarantee there’d be probably hundreds of thousands.  Thousands of letters, notes, whatever – written, whether they be private, public or screamed out at the top of their lungs – that they aren’t sure where they fit in life!  That they are trying to be themselves, yet what society is telling them to be, is a massive contradiction!

And it brings me to the point of those people wondering where they can turn, who they can turn to.  When you feel alone in the world and you feel there’s nobody to talk to, who’ll listen, who’ll understand the exact motions you’re going through.  The boy/girl at school you think is the most dazzling creature you’ve ever seen in your entire life, yet you can’t understand why, and you can’t bring yourself to tell anyone.  I, personally, think this is the importance of how big a deal it is for a gay guy/girl to "Come Out" in his/her life.  I remember when I did, it was like a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders, and those true friends I had, remained friends with me and supported me and still loved me for who I was, and am today.  Not all went well of course, with my parents still wishing I was straight, and I did lose some friends who couldn’t handle the fact I was different, but a few years down the track, now that I’ve grown up a lot, I look back and think ‘wow how stupid all those negative reactions were.’  I mean, I’m sure they’ve come across tons more gay people since they were exposed to my ‘disease’.

But some people hold it all in.  Every thought, every natural attraction to the same sex, that really isn’t natural at all.  They can’t BARE the thought of admitting they had an attraction to someone of the same sex; they can’t stand feeling they are SO inferior to the rest of the world and how NOBODY can possibly understand them, and how dirty they feel for thinking the thoughts, and how confused they are, and how everything contradicts the other, and they take the nearest sharp object, or rope to make a noose, or get the highchair to the medicine cabinet, and do something to make ALL the pain go away.  FINALLY they are free from the hell-hole this world told them they couldn’t be!

Now a bit of background info on me.  I was raised in the country (which if anyone else is from the country knows is VERY anti-Gay) and also raised in a ‘go-to-church-every-Sunday’ Christian family.  Now if anyone tells you that fags should be killed, it’s country folk, and if anyone tells you fags should be condemned to hell for all eternity, it’s Christians (the majority of traditional ones I’ll add, just to cover my ass, cos I’ve met quite a few awesome ones now that I live here).  Add them both together, I really didn’t feel welcome.  Mind you I was lucky back them, because I was a bit of a slow thinker and I didn’t have a problem bottling all my same-sex-attraction thoughts up to myself.  That’s just how I was.  I was trying to discover who I was I guess, and I didn’t even really think anything of being gay, just that I thought some boys were hot, even whlst I was with my girlfriend in high-school.  It just seemed like the natural thing to do.  But even when I was with her, I couldn’t stop wondering why I was fantasising about the same sex… I felt bad sure, but just thought ‘meh’ I’m me, what can I do about it?

Sure enough, through added depression that I wasn’t normal, lived in the country (so I found it hard to make friends), I contemplated suicide.  Many of us have (I’ve since learnt from many close friends), but back then, despite it being contradictory to who I was, my belief in God is what stopped me from doing that.  That and a new friend I’d made at a Christian camp I went on that year.  I had the knife at my wrist, but I knew I wasn’t game enough to actually go ahead with it.  I knew that I had a friend who cared about me (and I hadn’t even come out to him at that stage yet – but when I did he was so supportive of me it was unbelieavable), and I knew that I had a God and a family who loved me.  Most gays I know don’t believe in God, or they follow something ‘Spiritual’ in their lives, whatever that may be, but because of my upbringing, a few self-discoveries, and quite a few out-of-this-world experiences I’ve encountered, I have my reasons for believing in what/who I do.  I also learnt I have two angels looking over me, and I believe I know who they are.  Sometimes I think being gay would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t believe in God, because I wouldn’t have as many things holding me back, such as having a thought about fucking some hot guy I’ve seen at a club or whatever, but ya know what, I’m glad I do.  I’ve learnt to know that God loves me no matter who the hell I’m attracted to, or who the hell I sleep with, or who the hell I love.

It was tough, but it could’ve been a lot worse had I not moved to the city, here in Brisbane, where it is so much more widely accepted, and I have met so many other gay boys and girls like me.  It was a big risk in my life moving here, but one of the best chances I’ve ever taken.  It just amazes me how your surroundings can really affect the person you are in life.  If I grew up in the city, I may have come out a lot earlier than I did at 18.  Who knows, I may not have, but having met the people I have here, is really second to none, and most of you reading this right now are those people.  Although I may not be the best friend ever to you, OR keep in contact that often for that matter, I really do love you in a special unique way, I think about you often, and I take note of all your good qualities (although you may claim to have none or are queen-bitch haha) and I look at the way you live your life.  It’s really inspiring to see, and make me want to strive to be a better person, and take a chance, and see where I end up.  I wish I could be a better friend, but through work and other shit that goes on (you know how it goes), it’s not always that easy.  I wish I could go out more, party more, be more confident to say hi and strike up a conversation (even if I am already friends with you), meet more people and hug long-time friends.  If you’re reading this, I wanna hug you right now… provided you’re not frigid 😛

So, basically what I’m trying to say (without going into a novel for you to bookmark where you’re up to haha) is I’m told I can’t have equal rights by my Country (although I am very happy to hear it’s still in the works to be motion-carried – but yeh right with Howard sucking ass to Bush – ooo that sounded bad…), I’m told I can’t love one of my own by my church, and I’m not even allowed to openly express myself where I grew up.  No wonder my views, on whether gay love exists and is out there, are limited! 

(I often wonder how many other gay guys are out there, unsure of who they are and what direction they should be taking in life.  I really wish I could hold my hand out to theirs and give them a handshake, as an act of encouragement to GO ON.  To STRIVE.  To keep being themselves and to NOT give a flying rat’s ass what the world, or god, or whatever, tells them they should be.) 

But I have a little thing called hope, and a little thing called faith (which I’ve learn doesn’t exactly have to be a religous thing at all, just confidence in yourself and the world around you) and a little heart inside me that has a hell of a lot of love to give.  And whoever that person is I give that love to, wherever he is in the world, (IF he’s out there), had better be prepared.

Having said that, I don’t know if I’ll find love.  There’s a lot of daunting things and it’s not as simple as a fairybook-tale ending or meeting a hot guy and going ‘OMG LET’S GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES TOGETHER!!’.  But if I can be a friend to my other gay friends out there, in any way, and keep being myself, keep being safe, AND keep having the faith that I CAN be loved, then I guess I’ll be a happy camper.