If you want to be changed, you can

 Hide – Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

This song competed closely with "Brave" as my favourite 🙂  So yeah, I’m putting it up too.

Today was an interesting day.  I woke up to find 2 messages on my phone from my friend Lindsay.  One was ‘Do you want to come into the CBD?’ and one two hours later, ‘Are you awake?’ – whoops lol.  I woke up this morning with an incredible pain in my left arm.  I must’ve slept on it last night, cos even now, as I’m about to go to bed, it’s been a whole day, and it’s still caining.  God it so hurts.

I went to Koorong today.  I was in a very religious mood today, and I didn’t even reply to Lindsay’s message.  I guess cos my phone bill’s so huge and I wanna pay it.  I ended up buying Nichole Nordeman’s new album, a WOW worship DVD and also a book entitled "Loving Homosexuals As Jesus Would."  It seems to be the only one there that didn’t slam homosexuality completely.  All the other authors minds were made up.  This guy is pretty good.  I read 100 pages when I got home, vowing not to put the book down no matter how uncomfortable I got, but I was interrupted by the phone ringing.  it was just John checking up on me, and asking for Mark’s phone number.  He thought we were boyfriends!! OMG! No way!!!  That shocked the hell outta me, I thought he knew we were just friends.  Sure we’re ex’s, but gee. 

Yeh this guy is an "Ex-gay" and is pretty good in the way he speaks, as he tries to relate to a person struggling first before giving his viewpoint.  He doesn’t try to change or even offer to change a GLBT person, but genuinely wants to be their friend, which is all we really long for.  Most others just say what they want, and end up pissing off the GLBT community lol.  He’s got some good points, but I’m just gunna keep reading this book to see how it pans out.  The way he covers his own ass in the book is hilarious, always being so cautious with every word so as not to offend anyone.  Cos the book is actually for friends and parents of people who are GLBT, but it will have a variety of readers.  He’s good cos he knows what gay people go through, but he was one who managed to change.  Being a religious person, this book relates to me, because I believe people can change.  None of my gay friends believe me and think it’s a load of bullshit, but when you’ve been raised like I have, and seen the things I’ve seen, and the experiences I’ve..well experienced…I’m thinking, ‘you know what, maybe you can.  People have before and people will again’.  But the thing is, do they want change?  No, usually not.  Usually they feel they can’t, and won’t. 

I’m not writing this as a bullshit exercise, and many gay readers will be like, ‘what the fuck?’ but yeh I’m expecting that.  And yeah I’m gay.  One of my first housemates took me to her church where her minister, his wife, and her prayed for me to be ‘de-gayed’ whilst my boyfriend at the time looked on.  They had no idea about him, just me.  5 hours in prayer!  After my boyfriend and I walked outside, my boyfriend looked at me, and asked nervously…"Are..you okay?" – I could’ve made a joke and quoted some holy scripture at him, but I simply stated, "Nothing’s changed at all….I’m still gay."  I think we had sex that night too haha.  It didn’t work, but I also relaise now my heart wasn’t in it, and didn’t want to be.

But yeah, I beleive that if gay christians want to be changed, I believe that they can be.  But I also know that for that to happen, they’d have to make a fucking hell of a lot of changes, including an honest graceful relationship with God, avoiding contact with any influences, including gay porn sites and even their gay friends.  Luke’s the only one who understands me on this subject, as he too is a Christian.  It’s a complicated situation, complicated more by homophobic Christians, saying we’re going to hell and stuff like that.  It’s pure ignorance.  The thing that calmed me down a lot was my old housemates advice (the same chick who took me to her church [and her future home] for the prayer sessions) – she said "There are 7 deadly sins in the bible, and not one of them is homosexuality.  If you believe that homosexuality is a sin, then the bible states that all sin is equal, and you are no worse off than anybody else, cos all people sin."  Christians label being GLBT as a "Special Sin" – which is absolute bullshit, and why its seen so bad in many churches, and the common gay is rejected or looked down upon.

It’s a constant debate around the world which so many "Strugglers" stress out over and worry over, and even have suicidal thoughts over, and I just think it sucks.  If people were more tolerant, and understanding, and not so fucking naive/homophobic/ignorant when it comes to this subject, then maybe the world would be an easier environment to live in.  God has all the answers, and you will get those answers one day – whether living as a heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or transgender.  I just live, believe, and have my own loving relationship with the God I believe in.  Is that causing too much trouble?

I don’t have a bible on me, and I haven’t in years lol, but I remember these three always…

"For all sin and fall short of the glory of God."

"For God

so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him, shall have eternal life."

"To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things which we cannot see."

Hopefully now people can get an insight into how I handle things differently these days.  I just live my life and have my own relationship with the Lord – it may not be strong, but it’s there, and that’s all that matters.  Anyone else’s opinion can go get fucked.  Yeah, there’s Christian language for ya.  Yeah contraversial subject on which a lot already have their minds made up, but there ya go.  If you don’t like it, that’s your opinion, but you’ll probably want to imagine my middle finger in your face.

Ok I can’t end an entry like that cos I love you all too much, so have a great day everyone!!  I’m back to work tomorrow, I mean today cos it’s after midnight, for another week.  Yay, not lol.  But counting down to the holidays!!  woohoo!  And now it’s bedtime for me 🙂

"Now I lay me down to sleep…" ok ok i’ll stop 🙂