God-Damn it!

major rant:   

Okay so I’ve broken a commandment already in the title of this entry – as if i CARE.  I’m sooo pissed off!

Lately it seems everything is just pissing me off.  But it all comes down to the one thing – my parents, or my father in particular.

I spent a wonderful day yesterday with my boy, just hanging out all day, watching movies and cuddling.  We got all dressed up to go to Fridays, and I had to drop by my place so I could change because I know what Friday’s is like (fucking royalty if you ask me) and I had a nice collared shirt, jeans and leather shoes.  Anyway we got to the door to go in (at 7:30pm mind you) and one of the bouncers says ‘sorry guys, bit too casual for tonight.’.  I was flabbergasted.  That’s the SECOND time I’ve been denied entry to that place.  I’ve still never seen the inside of it.  Even walking up to the door I knew I wasn’t gunna be allowed in, purely because of being denied the first time.  I hate that place.  I think everyone should boycott it.  the thing that pissed me off is he continued with ‘you need leather shoes.’  I help up my feet and asked him what he thought these were?!  Fucking pissed me off.  I started crying – one thing i hate most in the world is letting people down, and that’s exactly what i was forced to do.

My boy is convinced that the reason we didn’t get in (and I agree) is because we look gay together.  I reckon he was being nice and referring to both of us when he meant just me.  It upset me.  All I wanted to do was go in and meet up with my workmates as that’s where we organised to meet.  But one person can ruin a person’s night.  See – it’s proven, most straight clubs are homophobic assholes and people wonder why I prefer to stick to th gay ones.  Fluffy I can rock up in thongs and board shorts if I wanted!  The Beat I don’t even need a SHIRT on to get in.  Goes to show, everything straight based is REALLY SHITTING ME OFF these days, including my fucking parents!  GOD there’s only so much I can take!  I mean SERIOUSLY!  Am I really that bad of a person?  Why do people even give a shit if someone’s gay or straight anymore.  As far as me and my guy are concerned, the only reason we didn’t get in was not because we were ‘too casual’, but because we’re gay.  My guy even pointed out the guy in front of us was wearing much worse shoes than we were and htey let him straight in, and also said that the only times he’s gotten in there is if he’s had a chick hanging off his arm.  Discriminatory and heart-breaking is how it feels.  I’m only trying to have a good time and this is how I get treated.

I just got home from staying over last night.  I walk inside into the kitchen and there’s a package on the counter address to me.  It’s a CD mailer, and it has my father’s signature on the front.  i looked at the back and sure enough it’s from my dad.  My dad NEVER sends me anything in the mail so I knew EXACTLY what it was.  he’s so predicatable.  I said to my housemate who was playing the Wii, "I don’t wanna open this, it’s from my dad – I can tell you exactly what it’s gun

na be’.  I had to open it though of course, as much as I wanted to just throw it straight in the garbage.  It’s a blank CD that my dad’s obviously pulled off the internet somewhere or gotten off some religious natzi somewhere.  The writing on the front says ‘Are you born homosexual’ – it looks liek my dad’s handwriting.  my housemate reckons I should watch it, and use it against him.  I really don’t want to watch this.  All this has done is proven to me even more that my dad is a coward who can’t even talk to his own son about his issues with my sexuality.  And I know that is CD or dvd or whatever it is is going to be a one-sided religious view on how wrong my life is.

Fucking hell.  If judgement day (providing there is one) is based on discriminatory action and homophobia then my dad is in trouble!  I really feel like smashing a window right now!  FUCK!