Call me Mr Vain

Thank God I have the option of two internet connections in this house at the moment cos Vodafail is being a downright bitch, again.  Ergh, you’d think after so many years of bad service they would’ve done something about it.  And the stupid thing?  My mobile works fine with the internet but my modem won’t, and they swap and change.  So yeah, using the household internet at the moment – just must refrain from watching porn and using up all the limit 😛

It’s Saturday night, I have the one night off, there’s about four parties going on including one in my own house (Luke’s farewell drinks), and in classic Matt-style, I’m not at any of them.  I did just pretty much wake up, but after hearing the screaming and yelling and drunkness going on outside my bedroom door I really did not feel like putting up with it all.  Luke’s group are exactly that, his little ‘clan’ and it’s hard to get into, even if you wanted to, which I don’t.  I didn’t hear B at all so who knows if he’s even home.  I can only assume he’s at his ex’s house like he is every night, getting his fix, in whatever way that is.

I dunno, I might end up out, I might not.  I only have the one night off, then work tomorrow, then another three off as I’m working later in the week.  Beat members night is on Wednesday so I’ll probably go to that.  I think I’m a bit put off as well because of all the violence that seems to be going on in this city lately.  If I’m not paranoid at work, I keep hearing from cabbies the shit that goes on in the valley.  Some poor cunt was king-hit last weekend, hitting his head on the concrete and splitting his head open.  Another guy or girl got hit my a car (I’m assuming drunkenly running across the road like most people do), and I don’t just mean ‘hit’ by a car, I mean the car hit them, blood all over the windscreen and they ended up shutting off a lot of Brunswick street and the adjacent cab rank because a lot of the cabbies were complaining about it as that’s where they get most of their fares from on a weekend.  And LAST night, apparently just outside my work this one happened – one of the regular cabbies took this 17yo guy home to Northgate, who was crying his eyes out, blood all down the side of his face.  The kid was telling him he’d been beaten up and didn’t do anything to provoke the situation.  I felt so sorry for the guy!  It really upset me hearing that a 17yo guy who had just been at a house party drinking with his friends and having fun, ended up going home in tears because of some fucksticks.  GOD I was fuming.  I was upset for the guy and anger at the offenders.  I knew they were on bikes and if I even saw anyone on bikes try to come into my work that night I was gunna have the cro-bar ready lol.  I don’t know what it is about the year 2011 but violent crime just seems to be out of control!!  I’m starting to believe more and more that they have banned the wrong substance – alcohol should be banned and drugs should be freely available, not the other way around.  I see it first-hand at work – the stoners just wanna eat and talk dribble and are generally in a happy place.  The ekky-users are just happy with their flying-saucer eyes eyeing me off as they ask for their cigarettes.  But the DRUNKS – ERGH!!  The drunks end up pissing me off – they knock everything flying, they think they are on top of the world and their side of the conversation is right and I end up swearing at them to get the fuck out of the shop.  Mind you, that is only a select few.  Most of them just stumble around, get what they want and go, but not everyone can handle their alcohol.
And surely they must drink it at home, because I’ve done an RSA course, and just completed another one so that I can have it updated, and it constantly tells you not to serve people who are already intoxicated.  I’m thinking that it’s all about the money and bar-staff serve them anyway but if they ARE actually following the law then these dickheads must be getting smashed at home.

So yeah it’s kinda scary lately to even go out.  That and I feel I’ve been over it for such a long time now.  I don’t even really enjoy going out, but it just sucks that’s where everyone goes and is pretty much the only place you see them.  That and facebook – it’s pretty sad really.  I’ve often thought about just de-activating my facebook and hardly ever going out so that way it looks like I’ve disappeared from the face of the earth, and will bring out the stronger friendships that I already have, or will have.  It just seems to make a lot of sense – who needs all these fake stalkers and ‘friends’.  And now google has released their own version of facebook, which in typical google style is invitation-only.  Yeah good luck competing with that, although I guess gmail is pretty popular.

So here I am, eating strawberries and ice-break haha, in my bed, watching B’s Daria dvd box-set.  I can’t believe he’s watched all of my queer as folk already – he must just constantly watch dvd’s upstairs because that show has hour-long episodes!  I’m almost done with Daria – it really is a classic in my books.  Just got the movies to go 🙂

I have on-again, off-again days about how I look physically, like most people I suppose.  Some days I look at myself in the mirror and I’m happy with how I look.  Another days I look at myself and see a completely different person, still way too thin in the chest, flat in the gut etc ergh.  I’ve been trying to eat more and try not to make excuses that I’m not hungry even though I rarely am but I realise I need to put the weight on somehow.

I went to dinner with Benji last night, as he was in town, and we went to Taj Mahal.  It was his choice and used to be his local hangout.  Indian food is…okay.  I mean if I had a choice I’d definitely always choose Thai over Indian.  I think it’s because Indian food pretty much seems to have some form of curry in everything, and it just doesn’t taste as good to me.  Vish, my Indian friend, took me to this place recently in the city and I thought the food was gross haha.  I guess different taste buds for different people.  I won’t say I dislike Indian food, I just think there are better choices.  But, it;s like people seem to say, Indian food is a good way to put on the weight, but I seriously could not eat that every day.

I’m kinda somewhat planning ahead to my days off after work tomorrow.  It’s vanity setting in again and how I see myself in the mirror.  I have always hated my whiteness, and every fake tan I’ve tried just doesn’t really seem to be ‘me’.  So, the PLAN always seems to be in my head to go down the coast and do the good old sunbake.  Now, I’m as scared of skin cancer as the rest of us, so that’s risky but isn’t it the most natural way to get some colour on the skin there is?  I kinda wish I was Fillipino or someone who had the natural-tan look colouration to their skin, but nope – I have the pasty-white German ancestry skin.  Yeah, thanks mum and dad!  Appreciate it!  I’ve never had the spray-tan yet, but that doesn’t last that long, and I want to tan naturally but being the middle of winter, it never seems to get above 20 degrees whenever I look at the weather down the Gold Coast or even more than 1 degree more on the Sunshine Coast.  I suppose it doesn’t matter where one tans, as it is all the same sun.  Whenever I seem to look at the weather map to plan on a tan (I’m a regular Dr Seuss), it always seems to be either a max of 18 degrees or it’s overcast or it’s raining.  Typical.  I just need one of those beautiful warm winter clear days that the Gold Coast seems to get every now and then, ON a day off work, that would be nice 🙂  That’s all I ask for.  Pile on the sunscreen, put on some sunnies, put in my earphones and rocks away the tan.  If I lived on the coast I reckon I’d have more of the tan I wanted.  It’s hard to find anywhere to tan in Brisbane, although South Bank beach has opened up again now and looks quite pretty.

I guess I just think, yeah I look okay, gym’s going pretty well – I am enjoying it, but the pasty whiteness of my skin really sets it off.  When I hooked up with that guy from Fluffy that night, I remember thinking how good my skin looked when I was naked in his bed, and it was because of the lights.  It’s the same in my room – I have a yellow-tinted downlights that give my skin the effect of a pretty good tan.  They have them in clothing stores as well to make the clothes look better on you.  But out in the natural light of the sun is where I see the true beauty of my ancestry as the sunlight reflects off my skin and blinds my eyes 😛

It really is stupid.  I don’t dislike how I look really.  I am happy with it.  I just know I have a fair way to go, and I don’t think looking good isn’t a bad goal to have, right?  I mean I’m only getting older and beauty fades.  It’s like that Judge Judy quote:  "Beauty fades, dumb is forever".  Speaking of, must get that education at some point as well.  Oh what to do haha.  That’s a whole other story.

The customer from work asked me to come over and cuddle him after I finished work.  I said he’d probably be asleep by then.  He said that was cool, just to let myself in and come and cuddle him.  That sounded really sweet to me, and I was all up for it.  Pity he never sent me his address.  Needless to say, that didn’t happen and I was annoyed at feeling like I was talking to another guy who says one thing and does another.

I went to gym instead.  Had a really good session too and felt good about myself 🙂  I love feeling like that after gym.