05/26/2013

How do people who have bad dads learn to not internalize it?  My dad called this weekend to say "you aren’t coming up this weekend, right?"  It felt like he was hoping I would stay home.  Sorry to be such a burden, Dad.  The past few conversations with him have been about how he’s building a motorcycle for my youngest half-brother, and his reasons for doing it, which sound a hell of a lot like a list of why he is the favorite.  Really, Dad?  I did my best to put sibling dynamics behind me and forge ahead to create a healthy family from the ‘broken’ one he left behind.  We’re in our 30s and 40s now, and still playing favorites?  I have a friend whose dad never even recognized him as his child … I wonder what advice he’d have about how to process a hurtful father.

I think about how many times this happens, and it might be easier for me to list the holidays where I have not been left out of plans Dad makes.  I wish I was not petrified about calling him out on this.  The times I have done that, he rallies everyone else in the family and talks about how incorrect my behavior was to criticize him.  The only thing I know to do is cry silently and somehow figure out how to allow him to take up a smaller piece of my heart.  In this way, every holiday has potential for pain.