02/09/2013
Feelings for today:
Went for a walk with the dog. Trying to get used to the monotony of dog walking every day, through lousy winter weather. Frustrated that no matter how dog-whisperer I try to go on her, she’s still a little bitch around any dog we pass. I don’t know a polite way to say "sorry if my dog lunges at yours" when I pass people.
I had an insight about my dog. She’s happy with having a friend over now and then, but she doesn’t have to be Miss Congeniality at the dog park or a high-performing agility dog. She just needs to have safe socialization and regular exercise. But it seems like the more I work with her to get socialized, the more frustrated I become. Maybe it’s best to make her an at-home dog?
Relieved that my coworker gave me some resolve to what’s due Tuesday. Not crazy about thinking about work on a weekend, but it felt like the responsible thing to do. Glad I went to the funeral earlier this week. Glad I didn’t gain weight recently. Kinda annoyed that the roads and sidewalks are all messed up from winter weather.
Trying to prioritize things around here. The most important thing would be to do paperwork and taxes, but I also want to prioritize buying a small payback for a friend.
Things that went well this week: a talk with coworker about still pushing forward with our plan to use the comm team. Going to a mini-reunion and reconnecting with someone I thought was going to stress me out, but it turned out fun. Happy that the resulting facebook photo tag wasn’t an ugly picture. Proud that I was one of the non-drunk ones in the photo. Getting out for mostly daily walks. Weight fluctuates between 225 and 230, works for me. Doing the budget-healthy and mostly diet-healthy thing and cooking most meals at home.
Things I’m not talking about: health concerns, dental bills and crappy insurance that is decreasing my leisure spending over the next several months, and another dark long-haired guy.
Random goals I am either considering or pursuing: losing weight (2/3 done), finding a way to make over 100K while working from home at the company I’m at, traveling more frequently, finding ways to be more active with my dog, whether or not I want to sell and move into either a smaller home or maybe even a different city.
Here’s what I’d like to see for my travel plans. I was about to say I want to find a way to cheaply be away from my home for most of the winter, but I have both a dog and a cat that I need to plan around. That would require a roommate and probably taking the dog with. If I found a way to make a little more money, spend a little less, I could probably afford to take my dog and spend one month renting a studio apartment somewhere temperate next winter … provided I have a renter willing to live with the cat. Other options: visit friends for weeks at a time in Phoenix, San Jose, upstate New York, Seattle, Iowa, Chicago.
The fantasy would be to take my dog and drive to a beach town where I’ve rented a studio apartment somewhere beautiful, like on a beach or with a fantastic view of mountains or desert. I’d work my eight hours early (because this is on the west coast), run or walk my dog along the beach at the beginning and end of each day, and meet my lover at bonfire parties along the ocean. The dog and I would walk to town to do our commerce and to socialize, spending weekends on the deck, reading.
I sometimes wonder if I should put some thought into my actual weight-loss goals. The weight loss began without any intent, partially because I had the paradigm shift of a relationship ending and a kick-start "grief diet." Something must have clicked, though, because it’s been nearly 100 pounds. The next 50 will bring me to what is supposedly the healthiest weight. I’ve been plateauing most of the winter between 225 and 235, currently 230. I’m still totally stoked that I was able to get rid of my boxes and boxes of clothing from size 24 down to 18, and that I’m wearing things I’ve never been able to fit into, namely size XL promo shirts from work that I was too shy to say were too small! As I lose weight, I start remembering my face as it looked in high school, in my leanest days. I’m getting used to being slightly angular with bones here and there. My smile isn’t as drowned out with cheek chub anymore. I look more similar in style and in body as I did in high school, unintentionally.
I somehow suspect that if I want to get back into my healthiest weight, I’m going to have to live a healthy lifestyle, which means more change. Exercise more (inevitable, with better spring weather and a dog), and eat healthier. Pick up some high-energy hobbies, maybe roller blading or running or biking, so I can start believing that I am as high-energy as my dog. I see myself burning off lots of calories through the various yard and gardening projects I have. Since I don’t have money to invest, it’s all going to have to done the hard-labor and low-tech way, being creative about resources I have on hand. If I ever get the dog socialized in the appropriate way, I could see myself fostering another dog.
I see myself dressing ever-casually by day because of my zen work-at-home job. I currently have the luxury of never needing to look professional, so I can carry a purse in a crazy color. I could pierce my nose, but that was something I yearned for more when I was 25. Daytime wear would be exercise clothing with a girly twist, never makeup. Evening and social attire would be pulled together, slightly dressier, with a few vintage pieces well worn, and always with hair and makeup done (just out of pleasure – you’d be surprised how fun it is to dress when you only get to do it a few times a month). And because of my height, my feet are in a large size and shoes that don’t look like grandma’s golf loafers are hard to find, so I tend to go with as unobtrusive as possible for footwear. I’d like to become comfortable wearing skirts and dresses more frequently. I’ll wear lots of purples, plums, and vivid cool colors. I’ll be too small for all the corporate t-shirts I’m wearing now, lol. I’ll wear the old 1980s windbreaker jacket that advertises a local restaurant I once worked at.
So those are my visualization exercises. Off to enjoy buying a gift and finding organic eggs.