Still Working on that Self-Confidence
Dear Diary,
It’s always fascinated me the way that the world works for different people. How certain events are recurrent in someone’s life and how they can be nonexistent in the next. There’s a plan that’s laid out for all of us and one way or another, we stick to it.
The plan that I thought (and still do) was laid out for me was to be a catalyst. Someone that makes things happen for other people while I’m dormant. I feel like an NPC; a background character in the lives of those are in my life. I’m meant to only be a helper; but who will be there to help me?
I am insecure in every aspect of my existence. Appearance, intelligence, personality, lifestyle; basically, everything that makes me me.
There’s so much self-pity. I know.
I try acting like someone I’m not to see if there’s another path I can take, but something pulls me back into my regular self and I’m just here. I feel like I need to live my life in a perpetual state of anxiety and sadness. I worry about laughing and enjoyng myself that I ruin my own fun. I blame all my misfortunes on me being happy. It’s a stupid correlation but something I haven’t been able to shake since I was a kid.
I want to be someone who’s successful and happy and secure with themselves. Am I meant to just be comic relief for my friends or fulfilling some role in my family and on earth? Why do I have to feel like I can’t be happy so I can live my life in peace?
Along the way I have dabbled with the idea that we put things in our path before we are born in order to learn a certain lesson. I think that is why we repeat certain patterns, because we are not wise enough to break the chain.
I wish you luck. It is hard, but self-awareness is your ally. Never be afraid to take a hard look at why you react the way you do; getting to know your own patterns will let you see how to make a choice in how to act instead of just reacting. The universe is determinant for many people. I think there is bliss in their ignorance. If one is awake, there is often more pain. At first. Learn to flow with it and you will rise above the churn.
@sisyphus I don’t want to come off as rude. I am new on here and noticed your comments on a few diary’s. I find your comments polite, straight to the point, and in some sort of way soothing. When I click on your username it takes me to a page that says I cannot access. I’m only asking, am I blocked? If so, no need to elaborate. It’s just I’m new and just trying to figure out how it all works. I guess.
@pennocking no I’ve not blocked anyone. Much of my diary is friends only since it goes back so far, but my profile should be accessible.
And thank you. That is a kind thing you were about my notes.
@sisyphus actually it’s not accessible. Well not for me anyways. Maybe I have my account set onto a weird setting but I noticed your page is the only page that says this …
You do not have access to this page, or it cannot be found.
But it’s understandable to have friends only. I’m pondering if I should maybe do the same. Keep it friends only. We’ll see as I get to know this site a little better and see how it all works out for me.
@pennocking try at your earliest convenience. I had my diary set to private, and maybe that overrode some things. I have just started rebuilding my diary and my habit, so I locked it all down to start with. Let me know if there are further issues.
I don’t really have any truly private entries. I have no secrets, in general.
I have been a lot happier since I stopped caring about trying to keep anything a secret. If you ever saw my face you’d know I can’t keep a secret anyway. Lies are too hard to keep straight. Honesty is good for the memory banks.
@sisyphus Oh it worked. I skimmed through your “about me” section. We have the same huge verity in music. (except I’m not much of a country person) Also I was surprised that we share some of the same movies! Ha. Who else in the world loves ShaShankRedemption!! Anyways, nice to meet you. If I ever figure it out or stumble upon your page again. I’ll be sure to read one of your diaries. Take care.
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