Disturbed – Hospital Visit

It is 2am Eastern Time.  I don’t want to be awake, but I can’t seem to get myself to go to sleep.  Excuse the background.  I played with it for hours last night and I can’t enlarge it where there are not boxes, and I like the color that I don’t want to change it.  Not yet.  I will though. 

I feel horrible; like down right sick.  I cannot get through this.  Do I think it was a mistake?  No, not if in the long run it is going to save my life, but the doctor did not just take my uterus.  Somehow he took away my joy.  How can someone do that?  How do you have joy one day and it be gone the next.  My whole life I have smiled, like really smiled often.  People would say, "I love your smile" "how are you always so happy?"  "I wish I had your smile"  I loved that, and it didn’t take any effort.  It was just there.  I enjoyed smiling.  Now, It almost hurts.  I want to cry all day long.  I am not happy.  I believe that you get joy from your faith, and with that joy happiness will follow.  Do I believe I lost my faith?  No.  I just know something is not right.  

Okay, I am just babbling.  I just want this all to be on paper.  I am hoping it is a faze, the medicine, the fact that it has only been a week since the surgery, but "Please God pull me out of this funk I am in, because I want to be the best darn manager I can be."  I know that store director found something in me, because he could hear me smiling through the phone during the interview, not to mention we hit it off.  

Since the surgery I walk slower (not because of pain), but because I feel like my balance is off.  I talk slower, because I am afraid I am going to say something I shouldn’t, and I want to think about every word.  Things that use to make sense to me don’t.  My typing sucks.  I have to repeatedly correct my spelling, or go back and re-read to make sure it makes sense.  Maybe like someone on drugs, except I have knowledge of the craziness.  Is that how someone on drugs feels?  I have never taken drugs, don’t drink, or smoke so I have no idea. 

Maybe I am a little more careful, or just depressed.  The problem is, I don’t know what is wrong. 

I have made a habit of reading and re-reading about the procedures I had done, it has become an obsession.  I keep hoping I can find someone just like me.  Someone who had the procedures, because they could not build or store blood and their organs were dying, but it is rare.  Funny, I finally did find one that wrote something similar today, but it was back in 2009 and they never posted again.  

I am tired all the time.  I can barely stay awake for three hours at a time.  My lower left side has now started to hurt.  Dadgumit, I have to go back to work.  I have too.  Not because I will get fired, but because I need to be at work. 

When I went to work the other day my ears started to pop in where I couldn’t hear, and I knew I was about to pass out.  Then the HR manager came to me and said, "You can’t be here without a release."  I was so glad. 

I feel like I need to be at the hospital, but I am scared if I go they will say nothing is wrong.  When I went to the hospital last time I was a little disappointed with the things they said and did.  When I had the procedure I stopped breathing, and they used a mask on me.  For some reason, I was relating that to my heart stopping.  So the nurse who signed me in when I was trying to explain would not even let me finish telling her why I was there, she kept interrupting.  When I said, "My heart stopped" she immediately said, "I don’t believe you, if your heart stopped any doctor would have called 911 so quickly"  I said, well, they did CPR, she said, "they put their hands on your chest?"  Which they did for a moment, but then they put that mask on my face and started pumping it.  I don’t know why I remember any of that, because as far as I know I was not in recovery yet, and I was still on anesthesia.  So weird.  She said, "so you stopped breathing, your heart didn’t stop"  I said, "Well..n…yes, I guess"  It was pointless to argue.  She said, "Well, people stop breathing with anesthesia, because they forget to breath"  Whatever.  I know I couldn’t breath.  I wanted too, I tried too.  I did not forget.  

Crazy Psychotic nurse who doesn’t want to do her job.  There was something else similar that happened with her, but I can’t remember.  I know she kept calling me out like I was 7 years old or something.  If she would have shut up and allowed me to explain everything I would have told her everything.  Oh, it was the "fake prescriptions"  She tried to convince me that the doctor was writing quickly and that is why the one was wrong, because he was in a hurry, and the other was done in a different hand writing so Wal-Mart did not feel right filling either of them.  She said the handwriting was different on the other, because he got his nurse to write one.  I told her there was no answer over the holiday weekend, and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.  She told me I was my own worst nightmare, over something stupid.  Now, let me say this is at Ohio State University Hospital.  It is suppose to be a leading hospital.  

I didn’t have a fever when I went back, because I took 3 ibuprofins.  Oh, yes.  The nurse also told me, "Well, that was stupid, that will give you cramps"  Ugh, I was not there for cramps.  I have never in my life had cramps, or else I just tolerate the pain well.  I was there because I was light headed, dizzy, nauseous, and my heart was beating very irregular.  The whole time I was hooked to the machine my oxygen was 91-93.  That is not so super low, but it is low nonetheless.  Not a word.  They did not say one thing about it. 

When I got to the hospital, the nurse walking me back and another nurse were talking about how quickly Dr. C was getting people out.  So from that moment I knew it was all a race.  The nurse came in gave me some nausea med, pain med, an anti-biotic.  I was barely contious, really.  You know how most hospitals ask if you have a driver, not this one.  They pumped me full of so many meds as quickly as possible through an IV then another nurse came in said, "sip this water over 30 minutes and see if you can hold it down"  At that time I had still not been able to eat or drink anything.  15 minutes passed.  I had fallen asleep, and did not drink any of the water, she said, "Y

our going home"  Pumped full of meds, could barely stay awake, still not drinking, and they sent me home. 

So, who feels stupid?  Me.  I don’t want to go back.  I don’t want to be treated like a number.  I feel as though I was overlooked, but I am sure I will have to pay a pretty penny for that quick visit.  I will be writing the hospital to let them know I felt about the visit.

Anyway, this is way to long.  I should turn the lights off and stare at the ceiling, until I go to sleep and can’t wake up.  We are going out with our upstairs neighbors tomorrow; well… today.