Weird

When I signed up using my email address it was for my other, private diary. I even have the email with the diary name, so I know for a fact it was my other diary, but somehow my main diary wound up connected to it. I have no idea how, but I’m glad. My other diary was specifically for my ED struggles, so it’s an easier loss than this one would have been. I’ll admit, I still struggle, a lot, but I would be crushed if I lost this diary for good, so I’m happy to lose the other one. I’m trying, and struggling, to lose weight the healthy way and trying on swimsuits earlier made me want to throw up. My head’s in a bad place right now, so I’m trying to sort through it by writing. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want my children to think they have to count every little calorie. I don’t want my daughter to develop this monster in her head. So I fight. I fight every day, even on good days, because one small thing can bring me crashing down. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that, once heard, becomes completely overbearing. I hate it. A couple years ago I went to a counselor. I had relapsed and knew I needed help before it got bad. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression. When we talked about my eating issues, the counselor didn’t believe me. I was around 130-140 lbs at the time, and it wasn’t near as bad as the first time I attempted recovery, but that was it. I relapsed hard and never went back. At this point, I’m afraid to try counselling again. I needed help and was basically called a liar. Thankfully I was able to get myself together after just a few months. Beyond that I’m just so exhausted lately. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m fighting to stay awake by 4pm. I wish I knew why. Ugh. Well, hubby’s ready to go walking and I need to workout, so that’s all for now. I might write later. Who knows. Until next time. <3<3