Today Was Not A Good Day

My coworker’s boyfriend passed away today. He’d been sick, wound up being pneumonia, but we never expected this. She called out so she could deal with him yesterday and then she left almost as soon as she got in today. From what I understand, he had a lot of blood clots in his lungs. They tried to put him on a ventilator to help him breathe, but they wound up doing chest compressions because they kept losing his heartbeat. My heart hurts for her. Actually, my heart is just broken to pieces because it reminded me so much of how everything happened with Liam. I was talking about it to a coworker who’s only been with us for about 5 months. She apologized for asking questions about him, but I assured her that I was happy to talk about him. He’d be almost 5 now. After that I just felt like shit the rest of the day. I couldn’t focus. I kept wanting to throw up, but I also kept eating everything in sight. Ugh. I still feel sick as hell. I just miss him so fucking much. I miss my mom too. I just passed the 5 year anniversary of her death and today reminded me of that as well. The last time I saw her, she wanted me to come to her room and hang out. I refused, being exhausted from a day surrounded by people. My introvertedness needed alone time. I wish I’d gone with my mom and had even just a couple more hours with her. Some days I almost forget and I think about calling her to tell her something. Some days I forget that she never got to meet Bella. I forget that she wasn’t there when I lost Liam. It’s all so surreal. I just want to gather up Darryl and the kids and never let them go at this point. This is the first time I’ve been faced with a friend losing their significant other. I’ve had my best friend and my boss both lose a parent. My best friend has gone through several miscarriages with me by her side, and these things I know. I lost my mom and I’ve lost two children. It’s awful and horrendous and the most horrible thing I’ve ever gone through, but through it all, Darryl has been by my side. What will I do when its him I lose? Lately I’ve been worried about what will happen to us when the kids are grown and gone, but I think I realize now that we’ll be fine, together. It’s just a scary prospect to face. Anyway, my schedule got rearranged with everything this week, but so far things are still set for vacation. I told my boss I’d work after Sunday if she needed me, but we think the girl will be back next week. I’m exhausted tonight and I feel dehydrated. I think I just need to sleep and move on from today. So, I’m off to watch Sing with Bella and get some sleep. Until next time. <3<3<3