The Past

I’ve been reading some of my old entries and first let me say, I was cringe worthy. I almost want to scream at young me to stop being so stupid. Oye! Anyway, the nostalgia is real right now. I haven’t longed to go back in time so much as I do right now. I wish I could relive my life and I don’t know, not let it just pass me by so much. I was so hung up on so much shit that I didn’t enjoy anything. Granted, a lot of that was depression and anxiety fucking my world up, but some of it was my own stupidity. The only pregnancy I didn’t have complications throughout and I was miserable because I was dumb and didn’t see what I really had. I should’ve known my mom would support me and I should have been much more willing to let shit (and people) go. And while I believe that things happen for a reason and they have formed me into who I am today, I wish that we had been smarter and planned better instead of just saying screw it and ending up pregnant at 17. I love my son to death and I thank God for him every day, but seriously, I didn’t think I could get pregnant because it didn’t happen in the first 3 months. That’s the average!!!!! I may not have known that at that age, since I didn’t learn that until we started trying years later, but come on! I can’t get over how completely irresponsible I was in some aspects. I just needed to rant about that because kids do not get it. I guess at almost 30 I can appreciate my mom’s, “I was your age once too.” Plus, my son sent some concerning texts recently to his group of friends, about having a hatred for the world and talking about how bad the world is. I mean, he’s right, but I had to sit down and talk to him about talking to me if he feels like that a lot. I explained to him how his dad and I both have mental health issues and I want to get him help if he displays any of the symptoms. I know my mom meant well and didn’t really know how bad it was for me, but I know. I lived it. I was miserable, I cut myself, I hurt myself, I put myself in unhealthy relationships, and I developed and eating disorder. I want better for my children. Despite what he thinks at times, I love that boy with all my heart. I love both of my kids with everything I am. I’m rambling at this point, but I just really felt the need to write about how I missed out on a lot and I wish I could just go back and not even change things, but just enjoy each day and not let it pass me by like I have. That’s what I try to do now and it helps the depression so much. Well, it’s bed time for Belle and me. I have to be up at 5:30 for work. It’s going to be a long week. Until next time. <3<3