Struggles

It’s been 4 weeks since we had and lost our little boy. My mood swings have changed as of late. I’m fine in the mornings, most of the time. I wake up and I can function, but as the day goes on I get more and more depressed until I’m crying. I cry every day. My eyes are swollen and purple from crying so much at night, it looks like someone punched me in both eyes. I look like absolute crap and feel like it most of the time. My heart just hurts so much and i can’t deal with the ache in my arms anymore. It’s too overwhelming, but I can’t escape. That’s all I want anymore, to escape from this misery. I need something to be happy for. I have Darryl and Ville and I love them so much, but nothing either of them do can take this away. I feel like a horrible mother because I’m not me anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own life. Ville had orientation Thursday morning, and seemed to really click with his teacher. She was very interactive with the kids and got down on the floor and talked and played with them. She asked Ville if he had any siblings and I almost lost it as he told her about his little brother. You can tell he loves him very much and that breaks my heart even more. He’s wanted a little brother or sister for so many years and I can’t even give him that. Maybe that’s part of why I struggle so much with this. Darryl and I finally kind of talked the other night, though it didn’t help much. I can’t explain how I feel, it doesn’t even make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone else? he asked if certain things bother me and I told him no, there’s only one thing that bothers me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. We finally talk a little and he tells me that I’m not alone in longing for a baby to hold. he doesn’t get it though. He can’t get it. It’s the most desperate longing feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s a need. I feel incomplete, and it’s so much more than just not having my children in my arms. I feel like a failure. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was have kids and be a mom. Without that, I’m nothing. I don’t care about having a career or going back to school. I just want to fulfill my purpose and it’s so hard not being in control of that. The lack of control reminds me of why I never wanted to be with someone else. I could be in control of everything, on my own. I resent the lack of control. He told me this morning that we could try before I turn 30. It didn’t help and just made me feel kind of bitter. I held back the sarcasm, but I respond that that’s still a long time. He wants to know when I think would be a good time. I can’t answer that because I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to wait. If it were up to me, I’d start today, and maybe that’s the wrong choice. Who knows. There is no wrong or right. I don’t want a replacement child, though that’s what it would sound like if I tried to explain this. I just want to feel better, to feel like I have something to look forward to. Right now I feel like I have nothing. Its absurd, I have more than lots of people, but I feel like there are so many things missing. I think about how things should have been and I see how happy I could have been, but I’m not. I’m nowhere near happy. I’m depressed and bitter and some days I feel like there is no reason to get up in the morning. What’s the point? I get up just to be miserable for several hours before I can escape to sleep again. That’s my only reprieve. In my dreams my arms don’t ache. I don’t see myself and despise what I see, for the fact that I’m small and very obviously not pregnant. I don’t stare longingly at the space where my son’s urn sits. In my dreams he’s in my arms and I’m so happy. I fake it as best I can, because Ville needs me, but at night I break until I fall asleep and visit heaven in my dreams. I struggle so much because I don’t know what’s the right thing to do. It frustrates me to no end that there is no "right" answer and that it wouldn’t matter anyway. I can’t force someone else to want the things I want when I want them and it makes me so angry. Some days I hate everything and I just want to be alone. Some days I wish I was with Liam. Most often, I just wish he was here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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