Some Semblance Of Peace

Darryl and I talked yesterday, actually talked. I finally opened up and expressed my feelings and was actually able to explain how I felt, as much as I understand anyway. It felt good and has brought me some semblance of peace. I’ve been seriously depressed the last week or so. I won’t lie, I still am and the anxiety over tomorrow’s appointment and Tuesday’s return to work isn’t helping. I’ve been so engrossed in my own guilt/depression/anger that I didn’t realize how obvious it was to others. I thought I was hiding it pretty well.I guess subconsciously I was pulling away and distancing myself. All I really knew was that I was tired of the lovey dovey "okness." I wasn’t ok, so I buried myself into my thoughts. I was trying to fake it yesterday when we went to the mall. I thought I was doing pretty good too, until we walked past a lady with a baby. I looked straight at the floor and kept walking, trying to keep it together. Then when we sat down to eat a baby started wailing. I was losing all control and I just buried my face in my hands, struggling not to break down in front of hundreds of people. I did NOT want anyone to ask what was wrong. I struggled all through dinner, barely managing 10 bites. I just couldn’t take it, so when Darryl was done I closed mine and took it home. He was mad (I later found out it was because of me constantly shutting down.) and I felt like shit, thinking he was mad because I was having a breakdown in the mall. I wanted to scream, "I’M NOT YOU, I CAN’T JUST "BE OK!" Logically I know he’s hurting too, but he seems to be handling it so much better. Maybe men just do. Maybe he hides it because I’m not as strong. We walked out in silence. When we got in the car I explained what had happened, he told me I had been acting cold towards him and that’s why he was mad. I insisted that I hadn’t been, but didn’t press the issue, knowing that an argument would ensue and my emotions were already spiraling. We drove home, once again in complete silence. When we got home, he went to the living room and I went to our bedroom to put away the laundry. When I was done, he called me over and we talked for a couple minutes. No arguing, just calmly talking about how neither of us needs to shut the other person out and whatnot. When we finished talking, I felt the need to explain how I felt. I’ve wanted to before, but I knew I would breakdown and wind up hysterical. I had that look and he asked me what I wanted to say. I just stared at the wall for the longest time, debating whether I could actually explain how I felt, much less do so without losing it. Would I sound like a horrible selfish person? Would he think I was horrid, wanting a baby now? Would he think I want to replace our precious little boy? Could I explain how far from the truth that assumption is? I know Liam is in Heaven, that much I have accepted. He is surrounded by family, more family than I can remember. He’s with my mom and his big sister. He’s with God. I know that there’s a spot for me in Heaven because pieces of me are already there. My mom will meet me at the gates with my children, and on that day I will finally have them in my arms. That much I know. I imagine that day and it makes me smile. It still hurts though. My angels are happy and safe, but having angels hasn’t diminished the longing for another child here on Earth. I finally just said it. He seemed surprised. I explained that I would never want to replace our son, and that even if we have ten more kids here, he will always be our son. I will always include him and I will always remember him. He is my second born, my third child. I’ll never forget the way he looked, the way he felt, and every precious moment I got to spend with him. I will miss him forever, no matter how many children I may go on to have. He looked at me, kind of sad, and asked if that wasn’t wrong. I shrugged. I feel guilty for wanting a baby so soon, but I also know that there is no "right" or "wrong." What’s right for one person may be completely wrong for another. I told him that I wasn’t trying to rush him and that I know that we have to wait until we’re both ready, but that I wanted him to understand how I feel and that while I do understand that it’s not my choice alone, it does hurt. He insisted that he was ready and that "If having another baby would make me happy, we could." I just shook my head. I explained that, "making me happy" did not mean he was ready and that having another baby wouldn’t miraculously "make me happy." I’ll still be sad, I’ll still miss my son, Waking up without him will still hurt, every day of my life. He still insisted that he "thinks he’s ready." I tell him not to commit to anything he’s not comfortable with. In the end, he’s not quite ready. i still cried in the shower and it still hurt, but at least it’s out there. Afterward, when we were laying down together, he tells me that we can start trying next year, around income tax time. Does it still hurt that we’re waiting? Of course, but I guess being on the same page and both of us setting some sort of time on it has helped. Maybe that’s what I really needed, since everything else is so up in the air. I guess my prayers were answered outright this time. I asked God to either help me find peace with waiting or help us decide to start trying now. He gave me the strength to voice my vulnerabilities and while we’re still waiting, I have a little bit a peace. it still hurts, but I trust that we will be blessed when the time is right. Only God knows when that will be and I’m learning and accepting that that’s ok. I’m also learning to accept that it’s ok to not be in control. It’s scary as hell, but I have to learn that before I get pregnant again. Otherwise I’ll wind up going absolutely insane. So for now I’m working on that. Plus I’ll be getting good health insurance soon and we’re working on making our house a home, complete with Liam’s very own spot. I finally have a future I can look forward to, and I feel like I’m emerging from this black fog. I doubt the fog will ever go away, but maybe there’s rainbows in the future to help guide my way. I have the sun, the moon, and a star, and they’re the only reasons I’ve made it through till now. <3

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